William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— To tell you the truth you had me quite frightened, when you told me about T J calling the doctor I half expected bandages right to your elbows, what in God's name made you do a thing like…

— You simply wouldn't believe it Teen, that cut glass vase it was somebody's wedding present, I knew it had a crack in it just like that ghastly marriage I should have thrown them both out together but it was Baccarat and I hadn't the heart, I was putting some snapdragons in it Jerry had sent me when the whole damn thing came to pieces in my hands and while I was trying to mop up the blood there was T J on the phone to the doctor saying Mummy's cut her wrists again it was all too embarrassing, the way he looks after me he's such a dear, I don't know what he'd do without me, he's been bringing home some very odd friends one of them twice his age I could swear wearing lipstick and I've thought of getting a tutor to live in but after that poor Schofield boy, I heard they used a broom handle, that's really asking for it, he's so oh, here we are!

— Oscar? will you help him? and Lily, where is she, Lily? Will you tell her to bring in some plates?

— And silver, they've put in these horrid little plastic forks you'd think we were Kurds or something, Pookie get down. I asked them to give us some gravlax and it looks like they've simply put in a side of smoked salmon, you must have some dill? and some of that honey mustard and, never mind, it has to be pressed it would take all night but where is the pâté? We were in such a rush, I barely had time to tell Jerry we were off to the country to visit an old friend from school I'd been dying to see and of course he hadn't the faintest notion who and I'd never in my wildest dreams have imagined he might actually have been here himself when I was really the one who suggested it in the first place wasn't I Teen, that awful day in the hospital when that terrifying nurse drenched me with blood you know I've had to change cleaners four times, it's simply too mortifying to face that supercilious encore du sangre Madame? the moment I walk in, I've thought of finding one up in Spanish Harlem where it's no more than a little eggy mess on ve tunic in that charming story of Kipling's wasn't it with Oscar dying down the hall from his car crash and I said he could sue for millions, don't you remember? Of course I dropped that suit against the hospital to spare Bunker's feelings on the board but it's really the only language they understand isn't it, and when we turned in at your driveway just now and Jerry told me he'd been out here taking some kind of deposition from a poor man in a wheelchair of course I was thrilled, keeping things in the family and all the rest of it he's, where did he go. Oscar?

— He's, I think he went to the kitchen. He's been rather testy lately and it's better just to pretend not to notice when he…

— But my God Teen who can blame him, I mean what he's been through I didn't dream we'd see him up running around, I half expected to find you running some sort of intensive care ward here and of course I understand about the boiled chicken if he's still on hospital food but it's rather like killing the healthy chicken to make soup for the sick one and he might like to try this boned squab for a change if you don't think the truffles would disagree with his Pookie stop it, get down I said. I know I asked them for pâté, we might like it to start since the gravlax is oh, here he is, Jerry? will you help him with those dishes? You mustn't try to wait on us Oscar, I mean my God you're the patient after all and we've just been sitting here like wet rags marveling at your courage through this whole frightful ordeal.

— High marks, old sport. You've put on a little weight?

— Well don't stand there growling Oscar, let him help you.

— Straighten things out with your insurance people? They're all swine of course.

— And what are these little, oh. These delicious little cheese beignets but, is it Lily? Lily could you pop these into the oven for a few minutes, they really can't be served cold yes and just put the silver down here in a heap, we can fend for ourselves. And napkins? oh you've brought them.

— Clever move old sport, hauling us out here for that deposition, have your impairment wheelchair and all right there in the sworn record if these swine try to accuse you of malingering.

— But that's, they couldn't, I couldn't walk I couldn't even…

— Clever move… and, was it a wink? briskly cleaning his butter knife with a napkin — might want to keep your eye out for secret warranties if they get sticky about settling, a car with undisclosed defects that are covered by undisclosed warranties and the maker will pay up if you do the digging your insurance should do for you but of course they're all swine.

— Pookie you ate it! Nothing left but the waxed paper get down! Little bastard I'll break your, if all he wants is his Nembutal choking down all our pâté to get at it before we can even stop it I said! A lovely pâté maison, the foie gras was costing a fortune simply to shut him up and this is how he says thank you, Oscar while you're up can you bring in some glasses?

— Yes, some of your Pinot Grigio Oscar, ask her to see if there's any that's chilled.

— You don't want to drink that stuff old sport, here. We brought along a little Yquem, tried for the sixty seven but all they could come up with was the seventy five, of course the twenty one's all but impossible to find even at two thousand a bottle, got a corkscrew handy?

— Lily? can you hear me? will you bring in a corkscrew?

— Aren't you clever Teen, did you find her out here? But you're taking a terrible chance though aren't you, I mean when they're that pretty the first thing they'll do is go off and get pregnant in the back seat of a car somewhere, with bazooms like that I'm sure Oscar sees what I mean.

— I'm sure he does Trish, but…

— Now wait Christina, explain to her that Lily's not…

— My God Oscar, don't ask her to explain the facts of life to me of all people, the male animal's something that no woman in her right mind should even, Jerry? Where are you going.

— Taking the salmon in the kitchen to slice it.

— She can bring in a knife and we can slice it right here, you see what I mean? The poor thing ends up in court like me and God only knows who the father is.

— Well there Oscar. Isn't that exactly what I said? Oscar had an idea, Trish. I mean you've known each other for a thousand years, and he thought if he offered to appear in court and told them that he…

— You can't tell this Judge Weisnicht anything Teen, that tells you something right there doesn't it? This loathsome boy up there with his sleazy rights to life lawyer swearing he's in love with me and wanted to spare me the stigma of unwed motherhood but I didn't want to share the baby with him and then, I didn't tell you this did I? This little roach Father Stepan, that he's being served up in two helpings? when the judge ordered my doctor to give my medical records to this loathsome boy's lawyer and there's this little roach up there posing as an expert witness to get that ghastly little blob declared a person from the moment of conception so they can move it to juvenile court as a paternity suit while the one who threw the catsup gets off claiming his legal right to protect another person from harm, can you imagine anything more utterly insane? Well I couldn't either until we walked into the courtroom down the hall for the hearing on Mummy's will and there's this same little roach Father Stepan appearing as Mummy's confessor or whatever they call them presenting his bill for sixty years of prayers to keep what he has the gall to refer to as her soul out of purgatory or keep her in it God only knows which, I mean when you look at the hoard of money they squeezed out of her while she was still what you might call alive it's just the greed Teen, the greed written all over their faces it almost makes you ashamed for the whole human race if you, yes, our glasses at last. Just put them down here dear and, oh? you're joining us?