William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— It's not my fault! She recovered her hand, — is it Oscar? Because that's what I have to talk to you about.

— What's happened now.

— Because it's this lawyer. She wants another twenty five hundred dollars Oscar I just don't know what to do.

— Twenty five hun, but we gave her a three thousand dollar retainer after we paid off the first one.

— Yes but now she says I still owe her this twenty five hundred more dollars or she won't release all these papers.

— All what papers, where.

— To this other lawyer. Because since she withdrew from the case and I need another lawyer she said this new one can't be the attorney of record unless I pay her and she gives back all these papers.

— No wait what do you mean, she withdrew from the case.

— Because she said you've kept interfering writing her all these letters and calling her up and telling her what to do about the separation agreement and everything so she's withdrawing from the case, it's not my fault is it?

— Well she can't. She can't Lily, she can't withdraw just like that. Fifty five hundred dollars for what has she done, that long garbled separation agreement she couldn't wait to give away everything in sight and even that isn't signed, it's ridiculous. She can't.

— But I asked this new lawyer and he says she can Oscar.

— What new lawyer.

— Well I thought I'd get a man one again, like before, so…

— It's ridiculous, no. No, we can take it to arbitration, take the whole thing before a grievance committee and…

— But he said those committees are just all these other lawyers so they have to protect each other because they may be next so…

— Who said! And what if she can quit, listen I don't even know what these hospital bills will be, an insurance man's coming up here later and I'm not even sure that they'll pay, can't you ask your brother? I'm afraid to write a check for a dollar, all this money he's getting from your father so the government can't get it, can't you ask Bobbie?

— Bobbie wants to buy a Porsche… Her head came down to rest on the edge of the bed, — I just get so tired, Oscar… and her hand followed, burrowing under the sheet. — It's just all Bobbie, it's everything for Bobbie, they won't even talk to me and they've joined some church down there, that's the only letter they've sent me about how glorious it is to be saved and how happy I'd be if I'd just accept the Lord while this woman that stole my purse is out there someplace pretending she's me with all my credit cards and everything where she used my bank credit card before I could stop it so these other real checks I wrote bounced, I can't even identify myself and she's buying these plane tickets she could be in Paris right now being me and I don't even know what I'm doing there till I get this bill for these lizard skin shoes I bought at some store in Beverly Hills where I always wanted to go, and it's spooky.

His hand had come down to smooth her hair, a finger limned her ear, traced her brow; hers came deeper, soothing a rise there under the sheet. — We'll get it straightened out as soon as…

— She'll find out it's not so easy being me though, that it's not as much fun being me as she thought, does this hurt?

— Just, be careful, I…

— Mommy kiss and make it well?

— Not, not here no, no not now…

— But won't it make you feel better? Where's a tissue, I'll get rid of this lipstick.

— Not, not now no, a nurse might come in and…

— We can just pretend I'm down straightening the sheet…

There was a great thump on the curtain. — Hey there!

— What's the, who…

— Send her over here!

— Who do you, what are you talking about!

— She knows! and another thump on the curtain, — if you don't know then send her over here. Hey, Mommy?

— Of all the damned, ow!

— Oscar don't try to, just be still I think somebody's coming. I better go anyway.

— Wait who is it.

— Just this man Oscar, I better go. I'll see you real soon.

— What man. In a black suit? Lily wait, how are you getting home.

— This car I borrowed.

— But wait, whose is it.

— This new lawyer… and she squeezed his hand, left a blot of lipstick on it and brushed past the curtain, past the next bed with a heated whisper, — You dirty man.

And from the doorway, — Mister Crease?

— Back here, wait. Wait who is it…

— Frank Gribble, Ace Worldwide Fidelity, may I come in? in a black suit, — how are we feeling. May I sit down? and he'd done so, flattening a plastic portfolio on his lap, — I hope you're not in pain? and he had out a yellow pad, — now. Let's not take too much of your valuable time, Mister Crease. If you can just tell me what happened.

— Of course I can, I…

— In your own words.

— Well of course. The car's ignition was not working. I had to start it by opening the hood and touching a wire from the coil to the positive post on the battery.

— I believe that's what they call hot wiring. We constantly have reports of cars stolen that way, please go on.

— This is my car Mister Gribble.

— Oh yes, yes I didn't mean…

— The car was in Park. I touched the wire, the engine started, it slipped into Drive and ran over me.

— I see. Then we assume you must have been standing in front of the car? Why were you standing in front of the car, Mister Crease.

— Because there was a mud puddle beside the car Mister Gribble, and I felt it wise not to risk the combination of water and electricity. But all this is irrelevant isn't it. The insurance covers the car's owner, doesn't it?

— But I understand you are the owner.

— I am also the victim Mister Gribble. Now I believe that the usual course would be for the owner's insurance to pursue the driver, but…

— But I understand no one was driving it.

— Which I suppose would leave you the alternative of suing the maker for product liability? It slipped from Park into Drive of its own accord didn't it? If it had been in Drive at the outset it wouldn't have started at all. Res ipsa loquitur Mister Gribble, as clear as the chandelier falling on your head.

— Yes well it might be a little difficult, if we could dig up some similar cases and we'd need to examine the car, wouldn't we.

— Examine the car of course, I only want justice after all.

— It's garaged at your, at the place of the accident I can't find the, what kind of car is it.

— Sosumi.

— I'm being quite serious Mister Crease.

— So am I! It's a Japanese car, a Sosumi.

— Oh. Oh dear, yes I'm sorry, it's so hard to keep track of them all nowdays. We had a whole family killed last week in an Isuyu and I made a similar error. I think we've covered all the preliminaries Mister Crease, I don't want to tire you. You'll hear from us promptly, I don't think there should be any problem about your hospital bills here and I may even be able to squeeze in your television rental without anybody noticing, no sir. Our only problem now is getting you the very best care, if you'll just sign this right here at the bottom and we'll have you up in no time ready to go out and, here's a pen…

— And play baseball?

— Right at the bottom there yes, just a formality.

— Quite a lengthy formality, Mister Gribble. I don't sign things I haven't read.

— Oh, if you, go right ahead. I just didn't want to take up your time, I saw the supper cart in the hall and I think you have quite a surprise coming. I'll just read the newspapers here while you…

— You'd better just leave it with me, some other things I've got to take care of first, those papers right there on the night table, if you'll hand them to me?