William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— What in God's name makes you say a thing like that!

— I shouldn't of said it, I was just thinking that would fix that shit Kevin because he doesn't like them. He's prejudiced.

— Well that's hardly a reason to, my God wait a minute. That was it, that was the dream that woke me up and I started to put together the whole wait, wait for me I've got to talk to Oscar before we go out.

— I'll put this stuff in the dryer while you're…

— Oscar? she burst up the hall — Oscar listen to me! breaking in on him sunk deep in the sofa there chewing on something — will you turn that thing off? I want to talk to you.

— I'm watching it he said, without raising his eyes from a tiger salamander making a meal of another tiger salamander it had just killed.

— I woke up this morning from a dream about Mister Basic, I can't even remember what it was but I woke up thinking about that law clerk telling you how angry Father got over the trap Mudpye laid for that judge and what fools your lawyers were not to catch it or even follow it up, you remember? she came on over the proposal that members of one's own species might make the most nutritious meals, — how they were told your lawyer had disappeared and, are you listening? When the food supply runs out and the only ones around are your own species, why go hungry? — I mean can't you see what happened, Oscar? that it was really Basic who laid the trap? Sitting here with the clock running and he kept saying we'll take them on the appeal, that the Second Circuit likes reversing district judges to keep them on their toes didn't he say that? and that Harry said Judge Bone on the appeals court was a crusty old misogynist he'd seen him take a smart young woman lawyer right off at the knees once like this new woman judge just to teach her a lesson, don't you think Basic knew it too? Now a three-spine stickleback lurked guarding fertilized eggs while his mate cruised around the screen destroying nests and eating eggs lining up new opportunities to mate, — won't go into the legal niceties Basic said, we'll take them on the appeal don't you remember? He knew Mudpye was a quick study, Harry said he was too quick he'd have the answer before he got the question and Basic knew it. He knew Mudpye had done his homework and was vain and full of himself I mean by going and marrying Trish? and with that kind of money behind them he knew he could lose your case if he played it their way, can you see what I'm saying? What he saw just then were two acorn woodpeckers sharing a nest where one laid an egg and the other one ate it — so instead of taking a chance on losing the case even if he brought out the error, that would have been the end of it, you can always lose a law case remember? So he let it pass, he let their error pass on purpose so he could base the appeal on it that was the real trap! That was the trap he laid for all of them and they jumped right into it, now don't you see? But what he saw now was the Australian red-back spider jumping into the female's jaws in the midst of mating which he continued undismayed as she chewed at his abdomen, munching the last of the Twinkie — there! Based on a true story Oscar that's the true story, I know it is! He held back for the appeal because he knew he could win it and it all fell to pieces when he couldn't show up to handle it himself off making your brooms or on the run God only knows where have you heard what I've said Oscar? that he wasn't just smart and a lawyer and a really decent man have you heard what I've told you?

— You ready to go Christina?

— What? Oh. What's the use yes, I mean my God Oscar think about it will you? He wasn't just a smart lawyer and a sweet natured man a real man, he was our friend! seizing up her coat for the door, — think about it! and leaving him there in the throes of battle among the notorious burying beetles over the corpse of a mouse nicely scraped and embalmed by the victorious couple for their young to eat and then eating the young when they hatched to ensure the survivors of enough food for a stalwart new generation to start the whole thing all over again, inducing a stupor that lasted till he heard his name in full cry with a bang at the doors.

— Mister Crease? when he finally got them opened to the glad hand of — your friend Jack Preswig, a foot in the doors shuddering closed against him — no wait, hold on! May I come in? wedging his foot more firmly — all right then but let me explain, I'm in a new line of work Mister Crease and I think you can use me, won't cost you a dime just let me explain. I got out of the law, just to set your mind at rest, nothing but dog eat dog thought I'd better quit while I still had a spark of decency left in me. It's the biggest swindle ever invented, a regular cesspool of human greed, the side you see of people makes you ashamed of the human race I'll tell you, your best friends will eat you alive and I finally just couldn't face that man in the mirror so I got out, kept a few contacts because without them you're dead and that's where I heard about this problem you're having. I see the old red baron parked in the weeds out there but I hear this new car you leased is up for repossession because you can't make the payments and I think I can save you a lot of headaches, let me explain Mister Crease won't cost you a nickel. You get the bank and the loan people and the insurers after you they'll have you for lunch, destroy your credit rating job prospects liens foreclosure everything near and dear they're cannibals Mister Crease, they're all cannibals now here's how we work. It's a dark green Jag XJ6, five forty nine a month on a thirty six month lease, right? got all the particulars right here, you just leave it standing right here in the driveway with the keys handy, wake up some morning and it's gone, call the police report a stolen vehicle and you're home free. What? didn't hear you, what?

— Go away.

— You don't pay a thing no, must have misunderstood me I just said it won't cost you a penny that's the beauty of it. They're the ones who pay, I just said they're all cannibals aren't they? All the same breed let them chew each other's bellies out, you just blow the whistle on your stolen vehicle I'll take care of the paper work and you don't ever have to give it another, who's this? not yours too is it? as a small black car pulled up, — not the lady of the house is it? for the bulk already clambering up the steps red, with what forty years before might have been a cheerleader's smile and wave of the hand, in tooth and claw.

— I hope you're not showing this person the property, Mister Crease? We wouldn't want to see you make a hasty decision you could regret later, would we. I have a gentleman waiting in my car who is prepared to make a very attractive offer. He's a friend of the lovely little family who are going to be your new neighbors right up the driveway, I think they plan to start clearing the site this week and he'd like to get himself located here as soon as possible, he's flying out to the coast tonight and…

— What's he offering.

— He is thinking in the neighborhood of, who are you? Who is this person, Mister Crease?

— My name is Preswig, Madame. Jack Preswig, I'm an attorney, I've represented Mister Crease in other legal matters and we've just finished discussing a transaction where he stands to benefit substantially, now what is your client's offer.

— He's a very busy man and doesn't like to waste time haggling with third parties Mister Prestig, and so I'll be brief, he has to fly out to the coast tonight for a very important meeting and he…

— What's his offer.

— I know it's slightly below the sum we discussed on my last visit Mister Crease, when I met your charming wife and that dear old man, your father wasn't it? But my client is a very busy man, he makes deals in the millions every day I'm sure you'll recognize his name when you see it and he's offering two million seven on the spot.