I am the other. Not the two of us living side by side like the, like some Golyadkin he invented in a bad moment no, no not those Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach! in meiner Brust one wants to leave its brother, one clings to the earth the other in derber Liebeslust no, no no no, can’t breathe can’t walk can’t stand I am the other. Flight of stairs hold on terrified, into the bathroom the tub the toilet terrified, open the refrigerator bend down and look inside terror just, just terror where’s Dodds, should have made two piles here to begin with, one books and articles and papers and clippings that are absolutely necessary the other those that aren’t absolutely necessary, thought I knew which books and articles and notes were more necessary for my work than Dodds, that’s the pile Dodds would be in but not damn! No, no here he is again! Right there my words right there my idea he’s there ahead of me before I’ve even got it written down. He even writes about it this thinking another man’s thoughts, put me in danger of deadening myself out of existence that’s his phrase I simply haven’t existed since I couldn’t manage to think my own thoughts because my thinking had actually been his thinking you see? Following his thinking wherever it went so my thinking was always wherever his thinking had taken him those are my, those are his own words so I was in no condition to do anything not that I’d ever really done anything with this respiratory condition I’d had for so long even that wasn’t mine treating it with prednisone while the side effects being bloated by too much prednisone while he’d cut it down or stopped it losing weight and gone back to large doses when I’d cut it down till I’d lost half my weight and he was getting bloated again the day I came I thought this can’t go on or he did, he thought this can’t go on this stacks of books and papers to get away, to get away I’d been in Corinth all those years before when all this started these books and notes and papers piled in front of me I’d go back, I’d go back, pack it all up and go back to Corinth, get a fresh start where it all began, see myself running through the streets went to Sparta, went to Pylos see myself at some sidewalk cafe making a note, reading all the time in the world sitting here sitting here reading and here it is! Here he is yes, going back to Palma to work, sees himself in Palma running through the street he can’t even stand up and walk across the room he’s done it again! My idea, my life, my work stolen it before I can get it down on paper it’s the, no. No! No it’s the, not Palma not Corinth not even the, no what’s lost what’s gone what’s shouting in the streets is that youth when everything’s possible good God that’s what’s gone forever. Young you’re a child, get sick get well, get chicken pox get mumps get pneumonia pull the shades take your medicine and get well, get old and there’s your pneumonia waiting round the corner the last best friend where the, damn. Bleeding again here, spill this water and that’s the end, notes clippings books in one sodden heap better to bleed to death if this is the only reason not to, this work of mine trying to explain this other it’s not Golyadkin no, it’s not his doppelgänger who’s gone with his bed in the morning when Petrushka brings in tea and explains that his master is not at home, shouting You idiot! I’m your master, Petrushka! and the “other one,” Petrushka finally blurts out, the “other one” left hours ago it’s not like that, this doppelgänger of Golyadkin’s I’ve never even seen my, seen this plagiarist because I am the other one it’s exactly the opposite, I am the other I just said that didn’t I? It’s exactly the opposite, sit here chatting like Seneca cutting his veins in the bath minute I stand up I am the other, we’re not these Golyadkins we’re not doppelgängers, it’s either/or, it’s all-or-none, it’s this whole binary digitized pattern of holes punched in those millions of dusty piano rolls why I’ve got to find Dodds in these piles somewhere here while I’m thinking clearly, you see? Talks about the detachable self that can be withdrawn from the body, some kind of religious community Pythagoras set up with the idea of lives to come, and these dangerous demons with lives and energies of their own according to Homer was it? That aren’t really part of yourself since you can’t control them but they can force you to do things you wouldn’t do otherwise before we get to the belly-talkers you hear about from Aristophanes and Plato they, good God sitting here alone in a room like something washed up from the ocean to have somebody, to have something to talk to! This second voice inside them they had conversations with and predicted the future in hoarse belly-voices and and, names? did they have names? Hello? Call him, hello Strabo? Call him Strabo, hello? You there? Rrrrrrrr. Damn. Talk to me, tell me what the, you hear me? Maybe only speaks Greek, song and dance man, tum tum ti tum, tum tum ti hey! Predict the future for me then, hear me? This surgery, I have to know, foretell the future for me, have this surgery or these chemicals doing the same thing put me out of business? Strip the romantic veil off the naked animal’s only, only, good God what am I doing talking to a, this detachable self, can’t control it, it’s not my fault makes you do things you wouldn’t stop. Stop. Got to stop and go back make a fresh start when I find what I was looking for in this mess point is the first thing, point is to avoid stress get me, get my breath and avoid stress, newspapers tangled up in the sheets here reading the obituaries there are people dying I’ve never even heard of, haven’t had a drink for seven years. Problem with Plato, what are the soft and drinking harmonies? Softness indolence drunkenness are unbecoming always giving you a rap across the knuckles looking for moral improvement the first thing, point is the first thing is to avoid stress what those Ionian and Lydian harmonies are for, help you avoid stress, avoid stress, avoi, no, no stop right here. Minute you’re looking for something, doing something for pleasure he raps your knuckles banished the Lydian the Ionian, the rhythm, the instrument, goes right down the list. The harp and the lyre but only simple versions no fancy corners or complex scales must be in this pile, got to find Dodds on the Corybantes under here careful, carefully avoid stress worse than all the stringed instruments put together, isn’t flute playing an art that seeks only pleasure? Out! Banished from his Republic and a little lecture there on good citizenship at the end of the Crito when Socrates says the sound of the flute humming in his ears he can’t hear anything else now, now, ease it out I think I’ve got it don’t, oh my God! Who, my God! Who would have put a glass of water back there! All over these newspapers these Japanese staples down my leg and books, papers where, can’t stand up can’t, get my breath can’t, avoid, yes avoid stress but, oh my God. Sit here talking to these detachable selves belly-talkers kangaroos, thinking someone else’s thoughts deadened out of existence and I’m the other, I am the other, sit here talking to automatons the Turkish lady in four languages Vaucanson’s flute player like Galen’s patient haunted by hallucinatory flutists he heard and saw day and night and another one Dodds mentions panics when a flute is played at a party but that’s not the, that’s the, not what Dodds calls an old Pythagorean catechism, “Pleasure” it says. “Pleasure is in all circumstances bad; for we came here to be punished and we ought to be punished” it’s all, pictures the body as the soul’s prison where the gods keep it locked up till it’s purged of guilt, purgatorio! Madness, it’s all madness, wanted to break out of this prison I, look at it, look at me, skin like tissue paper blotches that blossom daily blood spilled a week ago and this damned armoured leg, lungs shot and what’s going on down below’s nobody’s business can’t see across the room the whole thing’s wreckage, top to bottom, a prison like this one break out of it like blowing out a candle I, I can’t no I, I can’t.
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