Ishmael Reed - Mumbo Jumbo

Damn you.

The people outside, listening through the glass window, are shocked at this use by Hinckle Von Vampton of abusive profanity.

You are as boorish as your newspaper. Every managing editor is his newspaper. You use ketchup at every meal, you don’t change your clothes and you are a slob, therefore your newspaper is a slob. You put hifalutin stories on the cover but in the rear you carry ads for the cheapest Bijou, scandalous stories about Hollywood and photos which titillate, that despicable cover you carried of the woman’s execution your reporter smuggled from the big house.

Hey wait a minute buster, s’matta with you?

You are as lurid as your every page. Your concept of briefness will lead to inaccuracy and ultimately destroy the “boobooise” you represent. You will entice the monsters of your twisted dreams and they will surface like dead fish. Moreover, my friend, your style book is a racing form.

Red in the face as a baboon’s ass, the managing editor swallows a couple of pills.

Look Hinckle, I don’t want to argue with you. We have our orders about this Haiti thing. Americans will not tolerate wars that can’t be explained in simple terms of economics or the White man’s destiny. Your headline has done considerable damage. Our switchboard is overloaded with questions from the populace concerning Haiti. Some of them don’t even know where it is.

Haiti is 21° latitude by 72° longitude, Von Vampton supplies.

Yes, right…Anyway mobs are checking out books from the 42nd Street Library on Haiti and the lions have been taken indoors for their protection. This is a can of worms you’ve given us and you will have to go.

The Haitian thing has asked the Cockatrice and Sea Monsters of the Western Psyche to move over.

Hinckle Von Vampton examines the man. Jowly. A gin-inspired pallor. He glances at the cuff links. A Knight in armor wearing the Red Cross on his breast.

Where did you find those cuff links?

I found them around the corner on 42nd Street, why?

Not only are you a louse but you are a desecrater as well. Death to defilers.

Hinckle Von Vampton reaches for a short bronze dagger and is about to plunge it into the managing editor’s chest when other employees rush into the office and take him off the managing editor.

THAT DOES IT. YOU’RE CRAZY. GO PICK UP YOUR PAY AND GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE I CALL THE BULLS.

With pleasure, Hinckle Von Vampton says, brushing off his immaculately starched collar. You should be able to manage them very well the way you ignore their corruption.

With dignity, Hinckle Von Vampton gathers his newspapers and walks out of the offices of the New York Sun.

In the streets, little boys wearing soul caps and knickers are shouting out the headlines.

VooDoo Generals Surround Marines At The Poor Prince

Hinckle Von Vampton smiles. That’s America for you. Rumor stacked upon rumor like bricks in the Mason’s Tower of Babel. “Gamalielese,” as Mencken described Harding’s prose. A prose style so bad that it had charm.

S.R.: A LATE BREAKING DEVELOPMENT IN HAITI. RUMORS CIRCULATE THAT A SOUTHERN MARINE IS VICTIM OF CANNIBALISM. THE ACTION IS TERMED BARBAROUS, GHASTLY, HEINOUS, AN AFFRONT TO THE ENTIRE “CIVILIZED” WORLD. KONGRESS DEPLORES HAITI IN A RESOLUTION WHICH MEETS LITTLE OPPOSITION. WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT JAMES WELDON JOHNSON SAYS:

THE QUESTION AS TO WHICH IS MORE REPREHENSIBLE, THE ALLEGED CUSTOM IN HAITI OF EATING A HUMAN BEING WITHOUT COOKING HIM OR THE AUTHENTICATED CUSTOM IN THE UNITED STATES OF COOKING A HUMAN BEING WITHOUT EATING HIM. THE HAITIAN CUSTOM WOULD HAVE, AT LEAST, A UTILITARIAN PURPOSE IN EXTENUATION. *

* Along This Way —James Weldon Johnson.

UNEMPLOYED HINCKLE VON VAMPTON hobbles through the streets. His hat is turned down. It had become too much. He didn’t mind setting heads for the rubbish Americans called a newspaper. Tabs, with their “Torch Murders,” “Love Nests,” “Sugar Daddies,” and “Heart Throbs.” He didn’t mind the cheap stock, the lack of eloquence, the inclination for synonyms, he had accomplished what he set out to do. Now his ancient employers would have to turn to him. If the Jes Grew thing didn’t convince them they would trace the Haitian leak to him and then they would want to bargain. Heh heh. He laughed. Heh heh, Hinckle laughed. Passersby stopping to watch this man double up on the street HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH

Dance is the universal art, the common joy of expression. Those who cannot dance are imprisoned in their own ego and cannot live well with other people and the world. They have lost the tune of life. They only live in cold thinking. Their feelings are deeply repressed while they attach themselves forlornly to the earth. *

That night, bubbling with success, a happy Hinckle Von Vampton attends a lecture at the Knights Templar building which boasted such distinguished charter members as De Witt Clinon, 1-time Governor of the State. The members give him a standing ovation and invite him to the platform where he quietly sits in a hard back chair as a lecturer describes the tributes paid the ancient discredited Order by a grateful Europe. The burial grounds, churches, farms and villages and pastures that were awarded to them. They become the bankers of the Mediterranean and trade with both Christians and Muslims. Serving no monarch, they answer only to the pope himself. At 1 point their income amounts to $90,000,000 sterling and by A.D. 1128 they are declared by the pope immune to excommunication.

That night, joyously weeping over his victory, Hinckle Von Vampton says praises. Ancient words spoken by only 10 people in the whole world to the little black doll with the black curly hair. “He who made us and has not left us.” The landlady giggles so she almost reveals her strategic position outside the door.

That morning Hinckle Von Vampton is on the way to the bank to withdraw money to pay his rent. A car pulls up and before the startled daylight shoppers, its occupants leap out and whisk Hinckle Von Vampton away by gunpoint. The witnesses are not able to give clear descriptions of the men. Later that afternoon when Hinckle Von Vampton’s housekeeper lets herself into his room to clean she finds it in disarray. She is surprised. “He may be nuts but he’s neat,” she says to a Mah-Jongg companion later on.

Christianity has never been worldly nor has it ever looked with favor on good food and wine, and it is more than doubtful whether the introduction of jazz into the cult would be a particular asset.

Carl G. Jung, Psychology and Religion: West and East

…the African deities were fond of food, drink, battle and sex.

David St. Clair, Drum and Candle

The headquarters of the Wallflower Order. You have nothing real up here. Everything is polyurethane, Polystyrene, Lucite, Plexiglas, acrylate, Mylar, Teflon, phenolic, polycarbonate. A gallimaufry of synthetic materials. Wood you hate. Nothing to remind you of the Human Seed. The aesthetic is thin flat turgid dull grey bland like a yawn. Neat. Clean, accurate, and precise but 1 big Yawn they got up here. Everything as the law laid down in Heliopolis 1000s of years ago. (Heliopolis, the Greek name for the ancient city of Atu or Aton.) You eat rays and for snacks you munch on sound. Loading up on data is slumber and recreation is disassembling. Transplanting is real big here. Sometimes you play switch brains and hide the heart. Lots of marching. Soon as these Like-Men disappear walking single file down the hall here comes another row at you. The Atonists got rid of their spirit 1000s of years ago with Him. The flesh is next. Plastic will soon prevail over flesh and bones. Death will have taken over. Why is it Death you like? Because then no 1 will keep you up all night with that racket dancing and singing. The next morning you can get up and build, drill, progress putting up skyscrapers and…and…and…working and stuff. You know? Keeping busy.