Ishmael Reed - Yellow Back Radio Broke-Down

We’re working for some loon, the President of the United States, and he sent us out here to get some mammoth bones and fish vertebrae. Crazy about fossils. Reads a lot and built a way-out mansion in Virginia. Always tinkering with mechanical devices and writes poetry on the side. A real weirdo, made Lewis his secretary and Lewis can’t spell worth a lick, can you Lewis?

The buckskinned, bucktoothed, freckled faced man with two lines for eyes said Duh, naw Clark I can’t spell worth a lick.

Nice set up you got here Drag.

O we’re trying to get it together Clark. Takes a lot of work but I’ve done all right since I escaped from hell. Sometimes the decomposition smells and if you get real close you can get a whiff of formaldehyde but I use some heavy deodorants so I’m getting by. So you say you’re working for some nut?

Yeah, collecting elk horns, the whole bit, but we ran into some Indians. The Mandans and the Arikara treated us real nice. Gave us dogmeat and their squaws to seduce. Man what living — those savages are so naive. We eat so much dog food we feel like barking sometimes, don’t we Lewis?

Yeah Clark sometimes we’re just arfing around through the Valley in heat for injun squaws.

The injuns were all skinned out here fellows. Only one left, Chief Showcase. I keep him on for gags.

But I’m not in a very joking mood today. Some cowboy — a nigger — is out here putting something on me that I don’t know what the nigger’s putting on me. Interrupted the wedding.

You got married, Drag?

Sure. Long black hair, olive complexion, firm tits, a real pretty penny.

Hey that sounds like the chick me and you balled on our way coming up the stairs! She asked me and Lewis to lend her three bills so’s she could go to the apothecary and fill a prescription for arsenic. Lewis fucked her in the ass while she was blowing me then we put her through a double 69 and passed gas in her face while she stuck pins in the bottom of my feet — we gave her the money and took it out in trade. Sorry we stunk up your staircase Drag.

Yeah that sounds like her the way you size her up, fellows. How was it? I got her through the papers.

Man it was some good yelling, screaming pussy. She rolled her thighs and moaned so good me and Lewis come all over the rug on your stairs Drag. Sorry about that.

Well good, fellows, I’m glad she’s warmer than the last one who was a very frigid number. I just married her cause I read in the Psychiatric Journal that evil can be passed on through the chromosomes so I decided to have some kids.

Gee Drag you’re reading all the time. Why you read your way right out of Hell.

I don’t know. I’m lost if this Loop keeps it up. I got aches all over from last night.

Maybe I can recommend something. I am a bit of an occultist pediatrician orthopedist, all that good stuff — maybe I can perk you up there some Drag.

Mighty nice of you Clark.

The explorer put a poultice and a string of wild onions around Drag’s neck, and wrote down some other ingredients:

salve of pine resin

beeswax

bear’s oil

and plenty of draughts of strong horse mint tea to drink .

Lewis stood in the corner enthralled with a yo-yo.

We’d better be pushing back to the East. Deal with some more of the injuns, Clark said. Most of them are cooperative but the Sioux were a little suspicious when we encountered them. Injun killing runs in the family. Why George Washington Rogers Clark cleaned out the Shawnee’s settlements. Killed 10 chiefs, burned 500 Indian cabins and destroyed all the grain. Boy, my pa really loved to cut up. Maybe that Psychiatric Journal you was reading is correct there Drag.

Clark and Lewis were walking out of the room when something occurred to Clark.

Drag you said all the injuns were wiped out. Then what were them drums we heard? Highly intricate rhythms mixed with what Frenchy Jefferson calls gutbucket.

Drag thought for a minute:

The idea of another tribe inhabiting these hills has about as much authenticity as a horse’s dream. Wonder what it could be?

Confused, the explorers looked at one another.

Wiry spaced out sounds moved across the night outside.

Royal Flush Gooseman, aging unscrupulous fur trapper, adjusted his coonskin cap. He rode next to Mighty Dike, bulldyker octoroon. Her saran wrap cape stiffened, unyielding even to the wind. She wore goggles, bore a boyish haircut, and a leather mini-skirt with fur around the hem and jackboots. The bridge of her nose rested upon nostrils which seemed two chubby paws ready to spring. Behind was a long line of mules loaded down with calico firearms and very expensive beaver peltries with which Royal Flush expected to corner markets back East, beaver caps being very “in” that year.

Well, chocolate mama, we’re in business now. We sold them defected flintlocks to the injuns, allowing the cattlemen to wipe them out. Wasn’t it funny them crawling across the plains like that with their hands clasped to their necks? Glad we took pictures of it, I can sell them to the Smithsonian. Won’t be long, baby, before we’re lying on the beach in Miami and your name up in lights. Aren’t you glad you came away with me from that loser you were with?

You were absolutely right in, shall we say, selling the guy down the river, Royal Flush said, leaning over and nudging the woman in a wide belt she wore on her hips from which dangled chalky trophies from former lovers, penises which had been made into plaster of paris casts.

Now with the gold Drag gave us for them Coult rifles he used in blasting them kids who didn’t believe in law and order, to use a popular euphemism, I’ll be able to sub-lease Florida.

O Royal Flush you thrill me so, she said riding the mule and examining her fingers glittering against the snow. All the things you’ve done for me, Cadillac, buckboard and cooperative mules, all a girl could desire, Fire Island in the summer!

O yes Royal I’m all yours, she said leaning over and bussing the furtrapper on the cheek. He was nothing but a jeffing con. When Diane went uptown, me and Sal hat up too. I think she’s still in love with him, that Sal, maybe Diane too but I’ll fix the nigger. I’ll have him subpoenaed and thrown in jail if I see him again. The way he used to brand me and beat me leaving those welts in the shape of bats on my fine yellow frame.

Down below is the town of Yellow Back Radio, Drag’s town, Gooseman pointed out. He said we can stay there for free in his Hotel. As long as we want. Some old dame gives out the weather reports and runs down the produce scores. Sometimes she indulges in astrological predictions.

The two rode down Blackfoot Mountain until they came into view of the buildings lined up. Behind the Executioneer’s display, hogs with armored jaws were chewing on some metal scraps. Before they came to the road that connected with Main Street, Royal Flush looked over his shoulder and took inventory of his stock: furs, quack-bottles, saddles, carbines, kitchen knives, calico dresses, sun bonnets, snuff, tobaccy, photographic equipment. He flapped his stirrups against the mule’s side and spat out a long cigar, and rubbed his hands. O.K. doll, let’s go get these palookas.

O Royal Flush you’re so cute, Mighty Dike cooed, pecking the merchant on his shiny head.

The saddle stiffs from the Purple Bar-B were congregated in Big Lizzy’s Rabid Black Cougar drinking Rot-Gut and Two-Bits-Per-Throw. Some of the cowpokes were seated at tables playing poker or being entertained by the hurdy gurdy girls.

Skinny McCullough the foreman was at the bar conversing with Sam the bartender.

Man, that boss is really getting timid in the noggin, Skinny said.

Can you blame him? Monstrous births, weird parties, his nag stolen, herd wiped out by mysterious animals, toes, fingers and hindlegs rotting away, I mean how can you blame the guy? But I don’t care if he turns into black straw so long as he coughs up the deeds he promised us.