Ma Jian: The Dark Road

‘Keep your voice down,’ Kongzi says, ‘someone might hear you.’ He has left his glasses in the shack, so his vision is blurred. He turns and squints at the mounds of rubbish behind him, unwilling to return his gaze to the black hole that for ten years gave him so much pleasure.

‘Don’t worry, Kongzi. All the discarded machines around here are foreign. They can’t understand what I’m saying.’ Meili’s sweat has soaked her hair and her shirt. A faint scent of diesel moves through the air, reminding her of their years on the boat, and of the rape and fire she never dared tell Kongzi about… ‘ Mother, you tread the path towards the Yellow Springs. Whose shoulder can I cry on now?… How could you leave me alone? Hold my hand again, I beg you…’ Tears stream down Meili’s face. As another wave of pain comes over her, she tugs at her hair with her right hand and shoves her maimed left hand into her vagina. Immediately, the stump of her index finger sends images to her brain, giving her an interior view of the mysterious dark channel that she has never visited before. She moves her hand deeper inside and sees on the wet and creased walls the marks left by male intrusions. She spots the fungal infections and Confucian quotes left by Kongzi, the fingerprints of the nightclub boss, Weiwei’s departing silhouette, and various clots of her thoughts and memories. Then the stump sees Tang, which puzzles Meili as he’s never entered this place. The only moment of intimacy they shared was when she took him and some colleagues to the Princess Karaoke Bar to celebrate his birthday, and he persuaded her, after much pleading, to sing some funeral laments and Anita Mui songs. If little Heaven hadn’t kicked her so hard, she would have gone on singing for hours, not from a sense of gratitude, but because of the intense joy it gave her. She’d experienced moments of happiness before: on the honeymoon train journey to Beijing, for example, when she lay on the upper bunk chewing preserved plums and marvelled at the unfamiliar landscape unfolding outside, or when Nannan waddled across the yard as a toddler bringing her a bamboo stool to sit on, or when Waterborn lay asleep in her arms and she watched her mouth spread into an angelic dimpled smile as breast milk dripped onto her cheeks. Meili laughed with joy on every one of these occasions, but not with the same abandon as she did in the Princess Karaoke Bar. That night, after their colleagues had left, she held Tang’s hand, closed her eyes and sang about times past and future with such a sense of release that she lost herself. When she woke up later, Tang was fast asleep with his head on her lap.

Her hand continues up through this fleshy corridor that is owned and governed by men, and approaches the entrance of the Communist Party’s residence. It occurs to her that, nine years ago, she would never have dared bang on this state-owned gate. She feels brave enough to bang on it now, but doesn’t know if she dares enter. Trespassing government property is a crime. She pauses to think things through. Only the Party can decide which child can be born and which child must die, but as long as she pays the necessary fine, little Heaven will be allowed to live. The Party will have its money, and she will have her child. Surely that is just the kind of win — win situation that Premier Jiang Zemin has been advocating? With her legs parted like splayed duck wings, she wipes the flies from her wet face and says, ‘No one is here to register the birth, so we must take our fate into our own hands, Kongzi!’ Without waiting for him to reply, she pounds on the fleshy gate. ‘Mummy has come to collect you, my child.’ With the four fingers of her hand she pushes through the cervix, pierces the amniotic sac, gropes around and finds a foot. ‘One life departs and another arrives! You’re coming out now. Enough prevarication! There’s nothing to be afraid of…’ Meili pulls and pulls but the baby refuses to budge. Bursting into tears of frustration, she cries, ‘Please, help me out, little one. I’ve done as much as I can.’ She rips off her white shirt and shouts, ‘Kongzi, take off my bra! I’m sweltering.’ Then she pushes one more time and collapses in agony, her splayed legs shaking.

‘If it won’t come out, let me phone 999 and pay for you to have a Caesarean,’ Kongzi says. ‘The police will certify that Nannan has gone missing, so Heaven will be our only child, and his birth will be legal.’ He looks down nervously at the black mounds of burnt plastic by his feet, then stares at the bulbous interiors of televisions discarded on the opposite bank.

‘Shut up, Kongzi! The police were clear: missing isn’t the same as dead. We’ll have to wait ten years before we can apply for a death certificate. That bag! Open it. Take the string and tie back my hair. Oh God, the pain is unbearable! Don’t grasp my flesh so tightly, little one…’

As she pushes again with all her strength, her contorted face turns scarlet and milk spurts from her nipples. The crumbling wreck rocks from side to side. With her eyes squeezed shut, she wails: ‘ Darling child, I call out to you from my sleep… Dearest Mother, I repeat your name, and kneel before you filled with remorse… ’ The lament fills every part of her body then bursts into the air. A rancid, yeasty smell starts to escape from her. After another intense push, blood drips out from her vagina onto the damp deck, forming blossom-like stains, then gushes out with greater force. ‘Little Heaven, come down to earth now,’ Meili cries. ‘Mummy’s waiting for you…’ She thrusts her left hand inside again, grabs hold of a leg and, with one final tug, rips the child from her womb and lets it flop down onto the deck.

Desperate for a first glimpse of her child, she cranes her neck down between her legs and sees it lying in a pool of blood, its body as green and shiny as an apple, its eyes and mouth wide open. Kongzi steps aboard again and hurriedly opens its legs. He hears another plank crack underfoot. ‘My God, you shook this boat about so much, it’s falling apart,’ he says. He lifts the umbilical cord still connecting Meili to their child. ‘Look how long it is! Where shall I cut it?’ Meili points to a place in the middle. He takes the scissors from the bag, severs the cord and ties a tight knot.

‘My hands and feet are numb,’ Meili says, the colour draining from her face. ‘Everything is going black. Can you see me? I’m standing at the wheel now, the wind blowing through my dress and through the clouds in the sky… Tear off some toilet paper, Kongzi, and wipe me clean. I’m sorry that our child is a girl. But how sweet she smells. Just like osmanthus.’

‘But Heaven’s a little boy, can’t you see? The pain must have disturbed your mind. Anyway, we knew years ago from the scan that he was a boy. Look, feel here, between his legs. You think he could have changed sex in the womb? Poor child, I don’t think he realises he’s born yet.’ Kongzi leans down and picks his son up in his arms. ‘So, my life has not been in vain. We have produced a seventy-seventh generation male descendant of Confucius. I give my solemn pledge that I will earn enough money to ensure he has a birth certificate inscribed with the name Kong Heaven.’

‘But why is he so green?’ Meili says. ‘He looks like one of those green aliens in the computer games… Ah, look over there, Kongzi! What a beautiful dawn! White infant spirits are falling from the sky, like beans scattered by Goddess Nuwa, but as soon as they touch the earth they vanish.’

‘White beans — do you mean snowflakes? Your mind’s playing tricks on you. It can’t be snowing. Today is March the 9th, the first day of spring. Yes, I can see the sun is about to come up.’

Water begins to lap over Meili’s legs. Her white toes rise above the surface like lotuses on a green lake. ‘He still hasn’t cried yet,’ she says. ‘Carry him up onto the field so that the sun can shine on his face.’