Gordon Lish - Collected Fictions

Jerome, I'll tell you something which just between you and your father will be our little secret. Burt and the rest of them, who wishes these animals ill? But when a certain person walks out and sits himself down to converse with Merv, every hoodlum in this building will drop dead! From one floor to the next, right down to the Fuchses and the Fruchters, every last one of the big shots will grab their kishkes and keel over. And you know what, Jerome? Jerome darling, your father would not blame them for one minute! All over the whole building they will have to hurry and go get the undertaker!

SO THE PLOTS, Jerome, tell me, did you see anything there? Because since you're going to be going on Merv, it couldn't hurt to ask the man what he thinks of this here plot as against that one. Believe me, Jerome, the man knows! The man didn't just get off the boat, darling. Pay attention to your father — you ask Merv an intelligent question, the man will be only too happy and glad to give you the benefit of his wisdom. Jerome, the man knows the industry, Jerome! Are you listening to me? Believe me, the man did not get where he is today from giving people bad advice. Listen, Jerrychik, you open your heart of hearts to Merv and, I promise you, you will not be sorry. Because as a professional the man knows whereof he speaks. Besides, when does it ever hurt to ask? So you'll show Merv the plots I sent you and then you will sit down with him and you will listen to him and you will derive from him the benefit of his wisdom and experience. And meanwhile, whichever ones he says to you, "Jerome David, these are the ones which I, Merv Griffin, speaking to you as a professional, want you to get rid of," don't forget to make sure you send them back to me in 305 so that your father can exhibit himself in the best light and be a sport and make a present of them to Gert Pinkowitz. Because, who knows, darling, maybe God will make a miracle and the woman could maybe go get somewhere with one of them with her own kid, with what's his name, with her Thomas.

Sweetheart, your father didn't tell you yet what the story is in that department, did I? Believe me, I know you got a lot on your mind as a person in your own right. Hey just getting ready to go back to your old name again and be on Merv, I realize this is plenty for any human being as far as the current agenda. But meanwhile, Jerome, when someone comes along who is suffering worse than you yourself are, then you should, please God, you should sit yourself down with this person and listen to their story — because I will tell you something, dearheart, you never know what you could learn from the trials and tribulations of the other individual, be so whomever! Like the furrier which calls up his travel agent and he says to him, "Look, I'm sick to death of the usuals, give me what you got in the way of the Joneses couldn't keep up with it if it killed them," and the travel agent says to the man, "Well, what do you say to a couple of weeks on a slave ship?" So the man says to the travel agent, he says, "A slave ship? What's a slave ship?" Jerome, listen, the travel agent answers him like this — he says to the man, "A slave ship, a galley ship — you never heard of a galley ship?" And the man says, "Sure, I heard of a galley ship. Next time you're talking a galley ship, so say a galley ship! But so tell me, this season the right people are taking for themselves like cruises on a galley ship? Then hurry up and book me a galley ship!" So the next thing you know, Jerome, it is time to go get aboard, and the man and his wife, they go down there, and they get on board, and it is absolutely gorgeous. Darling, your father is here to tell you, this was some gorgeous ship this man Goldbaum and his wife got on! Service like this you never saw in your life. Hand and foot, they couldn't wait on you fast enough! So Goldbaum and his wife, they are in there in their stateroom and it's so gorgeous they can't believe it — when meanwhile here comes this terrible knocking on the door. And who is it, Jerome? Because I am here to tell you, Jerome, it is this individual which is maybe seven feet tall and which says to the man, "You Goldbaum?" So Goldbaum looks at him, seven feet tall, naked all over, these muscles, Jerome, such muscles, Jerome — so the man looks and he winks and he says, "Yeah, I'm Goldbaum." Well, darling, this big naked man says to Goldbaum, "If you're Goldbaum, then it says here it's your turn at the oars." Do you hear this, Jerome, the oars? And the fellow is looking at this list he's got and he says, "Nathan Goldbaum, right?" So Goldbaum says to the man, "Oars?"

Jerome, this is when the big naked man gives Goldbaum a grab and pulls him out into the hall and he says to Goldbaum, "You heard me, oars!" Jerome, would you believe this? In all your born days, would you believe this with your own ears what is happening here? Because they take Goldbaum down there into the bottom of the ship and they tear off the clothes he's got on his back and then they put these chains on his legs and they make him sit down and with all of the other men which are the passengers which are traveling on the ship, the man has to row with this big oar until the ship is rowed all of the way out away from 212! But this is nothing, Jerome, this is nothing! Because meanwhile there is all these big fellows walking around and they are hitting Goldbaum and the rest of them such smacks with whips it's unbelievable! Whips, Jerome! Well, I don't have to tell you, it takes maybe two, three weeks for them to row out there away from 212—and in all this time, darling, did Goldbaum get one sip of water? Forget water! Not even a piece of fruit, Jerome! Hitting with whips, this is what Goldbaum and the rest of them got! Meanwhile, okay, they get the ship rowed out there away from the area code and the big fellow comes over and he gets the chains off from Goldbaum and he has to pick the man up bodily and carry the man, this is the condition which Goldbaum is in! But listen, darling, even in this condition, like a dead man, I want you to ask yourself what Goldbaum is thinking to himself when the big fellow is carrying him back to his stateroom like a dead man. Jerome darling, do you want me to answer you? Because the man is starved, Jerome, the man is dying of thirst! And bleeding! Believe me, I don't have to describe to you the blood — it would make you sick if I told you how much blood, Jerome. But meanwhile, Jerome, what is Goldbaum thinking?

Jerome darling, I want you to hear this. Because even in this condition, God love him, the man is thinking to himself, "So what do you tip a fellow like this?" Did you hear this, Jerrychik? "What do you tip a fellow like this?" So did you hear every word of what Goldbaum is thinking to himself on this slave ship? So this is why I say to you, darling, it never hurts to listen to the other individual's experience. Believe me, Jerome, whatever the source, you could always learn something when you pay attention to the aggravation which the other individual in his own personal ups and downs has experienced. Because don't think the fellow, irregardless of the walk of life, has not been through plenty in his own right! But on this earth, darling, even taking into account your own father, there is nobody which got the personal heartache which you could even begin to compare with the heartache of, let me tell you, of this delightful human being, Gert Pinkowitz!

LOOK TO THE CHILD, Jerome. This is what your father says to you from his experience, look to the child! Because if you want to see what is killing a mother and a father, this is where to look — the child. But forget it, because would you ever hear one word of bitterness from the woman's own lips? A saint, Jerome — the woman is a living saint! Believe me, kiddo, every last word I your father had to pry out of her mouth because wild horses could not get this woman to talk to you and tell you what's what with the heartache she has experienced with her high and mighty Tommy. You know what, darling? In my personal opinion, the entire human race should get together and take off their hat to this wonderful creature, Gert Pinkowitz! And I'll tell you something else, boychik. Thank God this is a person made of iron. Of iron! Because with flesh and blood you couldn't live with what this woman's got to live with. I as your father look at this individual and I say to myself, "Sol, even with the agony you are suffering at your own child's hands, this is nothing when you stop to compare it to the agony of a human being like Gert Pinkowitz!" This is what your father says to himself, Jerome. Every time I even look at the woman, this is what your father in his own mind has to stand there and say to himself.