Gordon Lish - Collected Fictions

SWEETHEART, the plots I sent you last time, did any of them work out for you or was your father wasting his breath? So if in your opinion nothing looked good to you, don't worry, Jerome, I already got a couple a dozen new ones from keeping my eyes and ears wide open to these animals down here in the card room. Listen, in just my regular Wednesday game there's Charlie Heller, there's Mort Segal, and there's Artie Elkin, and between the four of us, believe me, we could fill a whole library from top to bottom! By the by, darling, I want you to guess what Mortie says to your father only days ago, just days ago. Because as God is my judge, Jerome, the man says to me, "Sol, do the child a favor and tell him to get rid of it. My Eric, for instance, he added, he didn't take away. So the boy wants a little flourish, he adds a letter and gets Erich, whereas he meanwhile doesn't let three perfectly good letters go altogether to waste." So listen, so you know what else Mortie says to me? He says, "Go tell your boy he could add a thing maybe, like a little trim thing maybe, up over an E, whereas David he could make Davidorf-it's up to him. But the principle is you add, Sol, you add , you don't take away."

Sonny, to tell you the truth, your father in his own mind never thought of this before. So for what it's worth, boychik, I your father am passing along to you a mere possibility, you don't have to hurry up and make a decision. But to your father's way of thinking, the name Jerome with a little trim up on the top of it is definitely not the worst idea in the world. So who knows, the King of Sweden might even get a kick out of it. Because if you ask me, sweetheart, the man must have looked at the name Saul and he said to himself, "This here is a name which looks a little skimpy to me, a little even insipid to me, a little fixing up here and there it couldn't hurt. But meanwhile at least I do not have to go ahead and put up with just an S. at least. Meanwhile you can see that this Saul individual has at least got his heart in the right place."

Darling, the upshot of this I don't have to remind you.

A medal!

Thousands and thousands of dollars and a medal!

Be smart, Jerome. Listen to what Mort Segal says. You add, you don't take away. Believe me, maybe the man's got nothing but an Erich, but don't think this means he does not know whereof he speaks. Which reminds me, sweetie boy — before I get to the subject of your father and his new excitement in life, it just this instant dawned on me to tell you I noticed it's lo another year but what's what with you and Merv Griffin? Cutie fellow, if your father has said it to you once, then the man has said it to you a million times, no business and no pictures is bad enough — but no Merv Griffin you definitely got to realize you can't get away with!

You know what you are, Jerome?

Because the answer is you are your own worst enemy!

All right, no pictures is a fact of life your father is learning to live with. So forget pictures! You don't want to have a picture, then don't have a picture! So maybe a genius does not like a normal person have to have a picture. Only yesterday itself your father says to Murray Mailer, I says, "Murray, believe me, when you are a genius in your own right, then you will know you do not have to stand on ceremony with a picture." I says to the man, "Listen, Murray, I myself am not questioning if your Norman is or is not a genius. I am just saying if you are one, then you know what you know, and number one is you could live without a picture!"

Jerome, I wouldn't even begin to tell you what the man stood there and said to me. But at the Seavue, do they ever give you the least little consideration? Animals, animals — the whole high and mighty mob of them — these individuals are every last one of them uncivilized animals! So anyway, Jerome, are you listening, Jerome? Jerome, the man stands there and says to me, "Sol, this fella Einstein, like with the hair and the sweater and the pop-eyes? The man wasn't a genius? So tell me, Sol, so how come you know what I'm talking about, Einstein? You met him? You sat down to a meal with the man and broke bread with him? You saw a picture , Sol — wherever you looked, you saw a picture ! But pardon me, my friend, I forgot — your child with the initials, this one is a bigger than Einstein genius!"

So please God Murray Mailer should live and be well, Jerome, but from him, I guarantee you, your father does not need a lesson in history. Meanwhile, I still say to you you cannot discount the man entirely. Believe me, darling, in this world, whatever the source, a person tells you something you never heard before, then you got to sit down and think it over and give this person credit. So it's the truth, darling, Einstein, it's the truth — and in my own mind you know what? I never stopped to think about it before! But listen, am I ashamed to admit it? So all right, so Einstein was a big genius — but even him, the biggest genius, the man had a picture here, a picture there, he didn't stand on ceremony! But believe me, sonny boy, I as your father am not holding Murray Mailer up to you. Not even would I even hold up an Einstein! But let's face the music, darling — does this individual know whereof he speaks?

Sweetheart, I want to talk to you as your own father, a human being who does not play favorites. Jerome, you know what? You got on you a face like an angel! Do you hear me, Jerome? An angel! But if a picture is for you such a trial and tribulation, then your father says forget it, darling, you don't have to knock yourself out for no Murray Mailer's benefit, plus no Einstein neither, not to mention for the millions and millions of fans who would get down on their hands and knees to you to thank you for one single solitary exception if you only had it in your heart of hearts to let them go get a Kodak and make an exception.

MY WORD TO GOD, JEROME, I am washing my hands of the whole subject. You don't want a picture? Then don't have a picture! On the one hand no picture, and on the other hand a name like J.D. when it is not a name which makes any sense to anybody down here, these are things which are killing your father, these are things which are killing the man, but he never said to you he could not learn to live with them. Whereas the question of no Merv Griffin, Jerome, this, for your information, this, now this , Jerrychik, this is a whole different question altogether!

Jerome darling, answer me this. Do I have to tell you what goes on down here when it is four o'clock of an afternoon at the Seavue Spa Oceanfront Garden Arms and Apartments? Answer me, Jerome, I did not tell you enough times already what goes on here at the aforementioned hour? Jerome, it is four o'clock here, and where is everybody here in the building suddenly running? From the card room and from the pool and from everywhere in sight, where are all these hot shots and these big shots and the shtarkers and the k-nockers suddenly in such a hurry to run to?

Because the answer, Jerome, is to the television, Jerome, to, excuse me, to Merv Griffin!

You don't believe me, you could look for yourself if you wouldn't take your father's own word for it, darling — four o'clock, where are they! Because they are running looking to see who is the lucky family which got a child on with Merv today and which are the morons which doesn't! But so stop to think, Jerome — did I your father ever once have the pleasure? But far be it from me to utter one word to you when it comes to your own father's peace of mind and happiness. Believe me, Jerome, first and foremost, your father is not an individual who asks for himself! But so think, Jerome, think —if not for myself, then for who, darling, for who is your father asking for? Darling, please, do me a favor — go into conference with your heart of hearts and ask yourself how you could ask your father such a question when you already know the answer! I promise you, boychik, when you know, you know, and you do not require a father to sit down with you and draw you a diagram. Like the woman who hears the telephone and she goes to pick it up. Did I tell you about this, Jerome? This woman, Jerome, the woman goes to pick it up and she says, "Hello?" Just like any normal civilized person, Jerome, the woman says into the telephone, "So hello?" So there is a man there on the other end, Jerome, and I want you to hear what this man says to this woman — because, as God is my judge, the man says to her, "I know what your name is and I know where you live and I know you can't wait for me to come over there and tear off every stitch you got on you and throw you down on the floor and do to you every filthy dirty thing I can think of."