Colson Whitehead - John Henry Days

Sneaky Petes, both of them, aware of being in plain sight, sans excuses, without a hall pass, up the stairs from One Eye’s room, on tiptoe past the mastications of the ice machine and in front of room 29 of the Talcott Motor Lodge.

J.

This is stupid.

ONE EYE

(squinting with socket and eye alike, over a loop of keys)

You’re fucking up my movie.

J.

We didn’t synchronize our watches.

ONE EYE

(two keys down in failure and on to the next)

I got enough time for both of us. Time it takes them to get back and forth from Charleston we still have plenty of time. Man!

J.

(looking over his shoulder)

I thought you said you could open it.

ONE EYE

(with John Henry-like hubris)

I can open any lock made of man. With what I got here. Just be glad they don’t have those electric card things here yet.

J.

Who’d you write the piece for?

ONE EYE

Locksmith Today. I met the editor at a conference. We were — fuck— digging at this lobster salad they had laid out. He said he’d throw some work my way, then a month later he calls me and says the oldest practicing locksmith in the world is retiring and they want an interview. The IRS was on me for some delinquencies, I don’t even know how I got back on the grid in the first place, how they tracked me down I still don’t know, so I needed the money. Went out to Jersey and talked to the guy. Man!

J.

(in halfhearted sarcasm halfheartedly delivered)

Have all day apparently.

ONE EYE

I’m getting it. He was liquidating his shop, we were drinking and he gives me a set of his master keys. Said he had a one-eyed friend in the army, back in dubya dubya two.

J.

The big one. Wait — there’s a car coming.

ONE EYE

Who is it?

J.

(recognizing the logo of a leading package-delivery service)

Just Federal Express. Strangely, I don’t know, I’ve changed my mind about this mission for some reason.

ONE EYE

(pushing against the palace gate in the manner of Hercules)

Here it is.

J.

(stepping into the den of Ali Baba)

Close it.

ONE EYE

(remarking, not for the last time, on the repetitive nature of existence and the disquieting universality of modern human experience)

I think this room is exactly identical to mine.

J.

(a grammarian)

That’s redundant. If it’s identical it’s exactly.

ONE EYE

(very like a sailor)

Will you just shut the f—

J.

(with a practical air)

I don’t see it. What if he took it with him?

ONE EYE

(not too proud)

Didn’t think of that. How do you like that?

J.

(pensively, index finger tapping chin)

Knowing Lawrence, you’re in a cheap motel in the middle of nowhere, and you have this computer, so—

ONE EYE

(recalling adolescent pornography-concealment procedures)

It’s under the bed.

J.

(ditto)

It’s probably under the bed.

ONE EYE

(brandishing)

Okay.

J.

Don’t look at me, I’m a Mac guy.

ONE EYE

(even as human endeavor is simplified by the advances of technology, some dilemmas yet await the intrepid inventor)

That’s not the problem. Gotta wait.

J.

(still capable of colorful imagery despite the rigors of prodigious journalistic output)

See how long it takes to boot up? They got like hamsters running around in there to power the thing.

ONE EYE

(lobbyist for the free enterprise system)

Spare me. All you artistic types and your precious Macintoshes. You gotta face reality. Even I can see that and I only got—

J.

Yeah, yeah, you only got one eye. We’re still waiting though.

ONE EYE

(with the casual aplomb of a jack of all trades)

Okay. Just gotta find the file. C drive …

J.

(examining)

What’s all these jars?

ONE EYE

What’s all this — Hey, looks like Lawrence is working on a book.

J.

(in a flash of horror over years wasted, all that lost time)

Yeah?

ONE EYE

I think it’s a memoir. Here: “I was a sickly child …”

J.

(as if lost in wonder among the capacious aisles of a glamorous new pharmacy) Got tons of hair gel here.

ONE EYE

(drawn once again to the disquieting universality of modern human experience) “Oftentimes I would go to the window and watch some of the neighborhood boys engaged in the activities typical to that stage of childhood. Oh! How I would long to join in their games.”

J.

He’s got some serious NASA-type black ops hair gel here.

ONE EYE

(contemplating class differences)

Here’s something about an erotic attachment to his governess.

J.

Will you just find the file?

ONE EYE

No, yeah. You be the lookout.

(charitably)

Still, it’s not that bad if you like that sort of thing. Hmm. Okay here are his work files. Organized little fucker.

J.

Well.

ONE EYE

I’m sure it’s in here. Just have to find the file name …

J.

(looking between curtain and frame)

Try Bottom Feeders, Moochers …

ONE EYE

Looking through this stuff…

J.

(as Linnaeus might) Barnacles, Pilot Fish, Leeches …

ONE EYE

Try this …

J.

(what is there about looking outward through a window that engenders in susceptible natures the contemplation of inward mysteries)

Layabouts … You know I felt so good this morning when I woke up this morning. It was revelation. Almost. Just woke up—

ONE EYE

(with help from the trade winds, discovering the route to the Indies)

This is it! We’re all here, look at it. All of us — Hey, me and Dave have the same middle name—

J.

(a skeptic)

Let me see.

ONE EYE

(for the benefit of the audience)

Watch the window, man. Says it was last updated yesterday. Man, they got everybody in here. I didn’t know Abe was one of us, I mean yeah he’s always around but I thought he was just tagging along. He’s totally undercover. This is crazy. What kind of diabolical…

J.

(alas)

Shit! It’s them!

ONE EYE

(allaying)

What are they doing? Are they coming up here or are they checking Lucien in?

J.

(unallayed)

They’re … Man, they’re splitting up. Lawrence is coming up here. Can’t get out now, you damn idiot.

ONE EYE

(forgoing an exclamation of Eureka)

We’ll hide.

J.

Lock the door!

ONE EYE

(with an ontological aside)

Was the door locked when we came in?

J.

I don’t know. You’re the one that opened it.

ONE EYE

(and yet a return to the womb impossible at this juncture)

Put everything back the way it was.

J.

(with a keen eye for symmetry)

I think that was little more to the left.

ONE EYE

You do it then, I wasn’t even the one that touched it.

J.

Go out the bathroom window.

ONE EYE

(on the nature of a paint-gummed window crank)

It’s one of those things that only open like two inches.

J.

’sus Christ. I’m not gonna hide in there, you crazy?

ONE EYE

(stepping into the tub)

Pull the curtain back, pull it back.

J.

Shh! Move over, I can’t— What if—

ONE EYE

Probably takes like five showers a day …