John Braine - Room at the Top

"That I couldn't have done at any time. What about Alice at twenty-five?"

"Oh, I was awfully smooth. Worn smooth, I think. I'd been in London three years. It's a hellish place when you're poor - I had to keep up appearance too. I took some awful jobs when I was resting. Cinema usherette, snack-bar attendant - everything but a life of shame. But I was still young. I'd lots and lots of bounce left in me."

"You have now."

"Yes, but I have to live to a regime to possess it. I just had it then, whatever I did. Would you have liked me then, would you have been romantic about me?"

"You might still have broken my heart. How could I have helped an ambitious young actress? I'll take you as you are now."

She got out of bed. "I'll make some coffee."

"Tea would be nicer.

"Poor Elspeth," she said. "She lends us her flat and we pinch all her precious tea."

"I'll get her some more."

She wrinkled her nose and put her hands palm upward; as I watched her, her face seemed to grow male and vulpine and her nose to lengthen. "Vat, are you in the racket too?" She started to dress.

"I hate you to put any clothes on," I said.

"That's sweet of you, but I'm too old to walk about in the nude." She wriggled into her girdle.

"I like watching you dress, though." She came over in her slip and kissed me. I stroked her back; she was already a different person in the blue silk garment, smaller but already less vulnerable, more controlled. It was a little hard to imagine her as being the same person who, scarcely half an hour since, had been moaning in my arms in the last extremity of a pleasure almost indistinguishable from pain.

She moved gently out of my embrace and picked up her dress. She went into the kitchen; I heard the flare of a match and the hiss of a gas ring. I dressed quickly; by myself I felt an obscure uneasiness at being naked. I lit a cigarette, the first for two hours, and inhaled deeply.

It wasn't a big flat; the block was one of the mansions in which the wool lords of Leddersford had once lived; this room had probably belonged to one of the servants. It was furnished in a middle-class, démodé, vaguely theatrical kind of way. The big bed was covered with a mauve quilt; there were pouffes, a satin-walnut table, and a great many photographs of actors and actresses. The white carpet was very thick, and the chairs gilt and spindly-legged. There was a profusion of dolls on the dressing table; it was a boudoir, faintly naughty, rather too feminine. I felt not quite in place there, as if I'd got into the wrong room by mistake.

I went into the tiny box of a kitchen. Alice was watching the kettle and tapping her foot impatiently. "It won't ever boil if you do that," I said, and took hold of her waist. She leaned back in my arms; I put my face against hers, breathing in her scent. It was if we shared the same lungs. We were breathing deeply and slowly; I was utterly secure and warm. The kettle whistled; at that moment it had the effect of a mill hooter at six in the morning. I let her go reluctantly.

"Note," she said. "Teapot to kettle, water mustn't be left to boil. Teapot is warm but dry. Now leave for three minutes. Synchronise your watches, men; 2020. Roger?"

"Roger," I said.

Her watch was a thin gold wafer with jewels for numerals. "At least, I think it's 2020," she said. "This is very pretty but difficult to tell the time by."

"I'd like to buy you something like that." I would have liked to stamp on it. Then I reflected that, through taking Alice, I had in a sense, taken away the value of the watch; but even that thought didn't console me very much. She didn't seem to have heard what I said. "Honey, take this stuff in the kitchen. You're hungry, aren't you?"

"I'll eat anything. Iron Guts they used to call me."

"That's lovely, I'll always call you Iron Guts. Take these sandwiches in there too, Iron Guts. And the pickles. We'll have a proper do." She giggled like a schoolgirl, her face suddenly losing its harsh lines.

The bread was fresh and well buttered and the sandwiches were fried chicken, crisp and golden brown. We sat beside each other in comfortable silence; now and again she'd smile at me. When we'd finished eating she went into the kitchen to cut some more bread. I sat with my eyes half closed, sipping the strong tea. Suddenly I heard her call my name. She was standing at the bread-board with her right forefinger dripping blood.

"It's nothing," she said, but her face was white. I took her to the sink and washed her finger with hot water. I noticed the first-aid cabinet over the sink and after a little rummaging (Elspeth seemed to have been using the cabinet as a make-up box) found some T.C.P. and a bandage. I poured out a cup of tea and held it to her lips.

"I want a cigarette," she said.

"Drink that first."

She drank it obediently. The colour returned to her cheeks. I lit a cigarette for her and she leaned back against my shoulder.

"Silly of me to carry on like that. It was the shock, I think. I hate blood ... You're very competent, aren't you, Joe?"

"I've bound up worse than that."

"Joe, have you seen a lot of horrid things? In the RAF, I mean."

"Just the average amount. You soon forget."

"You look so young. Except for your mouth. Are you sure you've forgotten?"

"Sometimes something happens to bring them out. They poke out their heads and growl and then you shove them back in the cage. Why are you asking? Afraid I'm neurotic?"

She kissed me on the cheek. "You're the least neurotic person I know. It's just something I've been curious about for a long time but I haven't really known anyone whom I could ask. George wasn't in any of the Services. He has a perforated eardrum and they wouldn't look at him." She looked at me a little angrily. "It wasn't his fault."

"I haven't said a word."

"It's all so safe and civilised and cosy," she went on, half dreamily. "All these men, so well mannered and mild and agreeable - but what's behind it all? Violence and death. They've seen things which you think would drive anyone mad. And yet there's no trace. There's blood on everyone's hands, that's what it amounts to ... everything so damned insecure - " I felt her shiver.

"Don't think about it, love," I said. "The world's full of violence. But it always has been. There's probably someone being killed not ten miles away from here at this very moment - "

"Don't remind me," she said.

"It's different in wartime, too. You didn't have time to be sickened. There was too much to do. Anyway, you can't help anyone by being sensitive."

"I know, I know," she said impatiently. "Oh God, everything's going so fast. There's no way to stop the merry-go-round. You never feel safe. When I was young I used to feel safe. Even if Father and Mother quarreled, they were kind to me. The house was solid too. That bloody concrete barracks I live in now - it's so clean and streamlined that I wouldn't be at all surprised if it took to flight."

"You talk too much," I said, and drew her upon my knees. "Quiet now, not another word." I stroked the smooth skin of her forearm; she closed her eyes and went limp in my arms.

"You can do that all night," she said. "I won't stop you."She sighed. "You make a lovely seat. I could purr like a cat."

The smoothness of her arm, the warm weight of her upon my lap; I too could have done it all night. And I could have taken her again; but the act of love was becoming not distasteful, not unnecessary, but only one of a series of pleasures; of pleasures which were solely dependent upon her.

The doorbell rang; three shorts, one long, three shorts. "Elspeth," I said. I was going to rise, but Alice pulled me back.

"Don't be so bourgeois," she said. I put my arms more tightly round her.

Elspeth's head came round the door with a roguish smile on it which would have suited her better in the days when she was touring in A Little Bit of Fluff . She danced rather than walked into the room, her skirt flaring up round her. A heavy smell of Phul-Nana came in with her. "Hello, dears," she said in her husky fruity voice. "Do hope I haven't disturbed you. I try to be discreet, but I had to come in. It's cold outside."