James Kelman - A Chancer

Tammas nodded.

So will you do it or what?

Aye, course. But I dont know anything about it. I’ve never even fucking been to a wedding before.

Honest?

Naw, Christ, no even as a boy.

Ach — there’s nothing to it; just hand me the ring and make sure I get to the church on time.

Is that all?

Rab nodded: Apart from shagging the bridesmaid!

Tammas laughed.

O. .

What?

Rab sipped at his beer before saying, She maybe invite Betty for it.

Och away man for fuck sake!

Eh. .

Honest?

I’m no sure. She’ll definitely be coming but I know that.

Tammas was shaking his head while taking a cigarette out and lighting it.

What can you do I mean she’s Rena’s mate!

I know, Christ, it’s fair enough. . Tammas exhaled then grinned: Could she no ask that cousin of hers instead?

Wee Julie for fuck sake ya bastard she’s only seventeen!

She’s a woman but!

Rab grinned and shrugged. I’ll see what she says. I know she’s no made up her mind yet anyway.

Tammas nodded. Hey listen man what about your da? have you told him you were going to ask me?

Course.

What did he say?

Who else. He said who else. I told him and he says, Who else! Rab laughed briefly. It’s a love hate relationship yous’ve got.

Aye, he fucking loves to hate me!

Naw, said Rab, reaching for his beer; according to my maw he just worries about you.

Hh!

Seriously.

Aye.

Rab grinned. He gazed round the interior of the lounge and began shaking his head, and he murmured, Years we spent fucking about in Simpson’s man and see when you think about it. . amazing, how the fuck we ever met a woman I mean, Christ, look at the talent man it’s brilliant, fucking brilliant.

Aye, it’s nice.

What about this new yin you’re winching?

Tammas sniffed.

After a moment Rab said, I mean if you want to bring her then. .

To the wedding?

Rab shrugged.

I’m no sure.

Well definitely I mean it’ll be alright.

Tammas nodded.

Okay. . Rab turned abruptly as a waitress walked past: Heh miss! Miss! And when the girl arrived and was standing with her pen and notebook. . Pint of lager and a pint of heavy. Once she had gone he finished the last of the beer he had and he sighed, glancing across at Tammas. While since the two of us’ve been out for a bevy together.

Life is passing.

Rubbish.

Life isnt passing.

Fuck sake Tammas.

Well ya cunt you’re beginning to sound like John!

Still and all but you cant deny times’ve changed. I mean the team we used to run about with! Christ!

There was a lot of us right enough.

Aye, there was a lot of us.

Headcases man, you’re no wanting to run about with a bunch of fucking headcases are you?

Fuck sake Tammas, all I’m saying is there was a lot of us. And now there’s no.

So what?

Fucking so what, so nothing! Rab shook his head and he lifted his empty pint glass. Where’s that fucking waitress?

Tammas had almost a third of beer in his glass and he brandished it. Doesnt pay to rush your drink, he said.

Aye. Rab looked at him. Just as long as you’re pint for pint with me.

Pint for pint with you! Tammas grinned. You should’ve told me in advance man and we could’ve fucking made a bet on it.

Rab smiled.

Anyway ya cunt, you shouldnt be fucking guzzling beer if you’re supposed to be taking the game seriously!

I always take the game seriously, that’s how I’m so fucking good at it! Rab shook his head. He lifted the empty glass again and upturned it, standing it in the middle of the table. He stared across to where the waitresses were leaning at the bar with their trays, watching the band performing on the small raised platform. Then he muttered, No a bad band.

Tammas brought out the cigarettes and lighted one, sipped at his beer. Aye, he said. He was looking at Rab, and he added: You okay man?

Okay?

What’s up?

What’s up? Rab was frowning at him. Fuck all up.

Tammas nodded.

Naw I mean. .

It’s alright.

Naw, I just eh. . Rab sighed. I cant be fucking bothered man.

What d’you mean?

Ah nothing.

Tammas sniffed, inhaled on the cigarette and he exhaled to the floor. The waitress was arriving. She leaned to place the tray on the edge of the table, passed the two pints out. Rab dropped the money onto the tray and told her to keep the change and she nodded in reply.

Tammas was looking at him.

Naw, he said, its just. .

Just what?

Naw, fuck, just — Hull City man! Rab smiled and looked away. I just wish it was some other cunt — that got into the 1st division now and again!

Aw aye. Tammas nodded. A few moments later he glanced at Rab and he asked: Is that all?

Is that all? How what d’you mean?

Tammas shrugged. Is that all?

Rab looked at him, frowned: I dont know what you mean Tammas.

Aw, okay.

Naw, I dont.

Okay.

Naw but what’re you fucking — what d’you mean?

Ah well. . Tammas shrugged. If you were waiting for the Gers or something. .

Waiting for the Gers?

Tammas glanced at him.

Naw, was I fuck.

Tammas grinned. Donnie once told me you might! I told him he was wrong!

I wasnt fucking waiting for the fucking Gers man! Rab shook his head and he raised the pint to his mouth and swallowed a big mouthful of lager. You kidding!

Hh!

What’re you fucking hhing at ya bastard?

You ya cunt I’m fucking hhing at you — waiting for the fucking Gers man! Hh!

What d’you mean?

Tammas smiled, He dragged on his cigarette and blew smoke to the ceiling. Then he said: Honest man — were you waiting for the Gers right enough?

Rab sniffed, then he shrugged.

Tammas nodded.

Naw, no really, I wasnt. It’s just eh — I’ll tell you something for nothing: I never even thought about it till fucking about a week ago. I mean never, no since I was a boy. Honest. Christ I mind when I started playing junior two seasons ago there was this baldy bastard playing alongside me. I think he was about fucking thirty or something. But brilliant, fucking brilliant. I’m no kidding ye man you could never understand how he wasnt senior. He could’ve went anywhere as well — except the Gers, cause they never fucking asked him. Every other cunt in Britain fucking asked him except them. Sad. Peter Wylie. Still playing the now. Fucking star man week in week out.

Hh.

It’s in ye but, that’s all I’m saying. Cause you’re brought up a protestant. I mean these fucking Saturday afternoons man when we all used to go over on the Govan ferry and get lifted over the turnstiles. Christ Tammas no mind that? And the fucking turf, that first time you see it coming down from the top of the terracing! Eh? Christ, what like was it at all!

Rab laughed: his shoulders were waggling as he spoke. .

And the two teams man. All the colours: trotting out with the ball. And the big roar! O ya fucking beauty! And going quiet when the ref blew the whistle and then that fucking cheer once the ball was kicked off. I used to get the shivers man I’m no kidding ye, I used to get the fucking shivers!

Hh! Tammas grinned. So did I. And I can fucking mind even the now what like it was!

So can I! I mean. . Rab was shaking his head, he sighed, then shrugged.

But you wouldnt want to play for them surely?

How no?

Well I mean what they always say about going there and trying to get a game man — it’s alright if you get transferred for big money and that but dont sign as a boy or you’ll wind up in the reserve squad, for the rest of your life!

Rab shrugged. Fair enough, I know that — even the auld man said that to me. It’s just the fucking. . He shrugged again, gazed off in the direction of the platform. The band had stopped playing and were on an interval break.