James Kelman - An Old Pub Near the Angel

‘Very quiet house,’ she said presently.

‘Haunted.’

Jilly smiled her disbelief.

‘You don’t believe me? There’s things go bump in the night here!’

‘I don’t believe you. No.’

‘Okay.’ Sitting facing her on the carpet he began twiddling the knobs of his transistor radio. ‘What’s Luxembourg again?’ he asked.

‘208 meters. If I believed everything you told me I’d go mad or something.’

‘Doesn’t bother me if you don’t want to hear about it.’ He paused. ‘I’m going to tell you anyway.’ He switched off the radio and continued in a low growling kind of stage voice. ‘One dark black winter’s evening just after closing time, around the turn of the century, an aged retired navvy was returning from the boozer. .’

‘Retired what?’

‘Navvy, and he was still wearing his Wellingtons — was returning from the boozer quietly singing this shanty to himself when he opened the front door and climbed the stairs,’ Stuart paused, pointing to his door, ‘just as he passed this very door to go up to his room he stopped and there at the top of the stairs he saw this death’s head staring at him. Well he staggered back letting out this bloodcurdling scream and toppled downstairs banging into this door on the way to his doom.’

‘Did he?’ asked the girl politely.

‘Yeah really! They say to this day if you climb the stairs occasionally just after closing time you can sometimes see a death’s head wearing a pair of Wellington boots. I know it’s hard to believe but there it is.’

Jilly stared far above his head.

‘Too much bloody interference at this time of night,’ said Stuart back with the transistor. ‘You want Radio One?’

‘I don’t mind,’ she sang during a chorus.

Why the hell didn’t she go? Sitting there like Raquel Welch! Anyway if she did fancy him surely she’d want to kip up with him — at least for the night, Good God! Still he didn’t have to get up for work so who cared? But if she stayed out too late they’d lock her out and not open up without a steward’s inquiry. Get chucked out the house if Arrivederci Roma found her — or traces.

‘Want another cup of coffee?’

‘I don’t mind.’

‘Well yes or no?’

‘If you’re having one.’

‘I’m not having one but if you want one well just go ahead and say so eh?’

‘I’m not fussy.’

Jesus why didn’t she get up and go?

‘Plenty of books there if you want a read. .?’ he gestured vaguely towards the side of the bed where a pile of paperbacks lay.

‘No thanks I’m not much of a reader.’

He poked a strip of newspaper through the grill of the gas fire and lit a cigarette.

‘Did you never smoke?’

‘Yes, quite heavily, but I gave it up last year.’

‘Good for you. I wish. .’ He lacked the energy to finish the sentence.

‘There’s jobs going in the hospital for porters and storemen.’

‘Are there?’

‘Yes and they earn a good wage. The man you see is a Mr Harvey. They’re desperate for staff.’

Perhaps she only went out with him in an attempt to recruit him for the position of porter. Maybe she worked in Personnel. Office she had said.

‘What song’s that again? It’s nice.’

‘Ten Guitars. I’ve always liked that one,’ she replied. ‘It was only a B-side.’

‘Like the fast ones myself.’

‘You would!’

‘Eh?’

What was this? Note of encouragement? Hint perhaps, after all this time? What the hell was he supposed to do? Had no desire to play around tonight without going the whole road. Very bad on the nerves that. Anyway she didn’t have the brains to drop hints. Didn’t even have the brains to. .

‘What was that?’ cried the girl.

‘What?’

‘That noise,’ she looked at the door.

‘Ssh, quietly,’ he whispered. ‘Might be the old one creeping about. Or maybe someone going to the lav. Don’t want her to find out.’

‘Oh!’ she replied, relieved.

‘You didn’t believe that death’s head twaddle did you?’

‘Of course not, I’m used to you by now!’

What did she mean by that? He stood up and walked past her to the cupboard, lifted the alarm clock down and wound it. After setting it back he stared at her shoulders as she gazed at the gas fire while humming to herself. Well had to do something; this was getting ridiculous. He stepped over to the chair and kissed the nape of her neck. She did not move. He unbuttoned her blouse down the back. She allowed it to slide off her shoulders and lie behind her on the chair; then she retrieved it and folding it, placed it neatly by the bed. Meanwhile he fumbled with the hooks on her bra.

‘What d’you think you’re playing at?’ she asked.

‘Taking off your clothes, but I’m stuck.’ Then he discovered the catch.

‘No, I’m not,’ he added.

‘Well I hope you’re enjoying yourself.’

But he had been this far before; once in the alley behind the hospital he had almost succeeded in taking her pants down! He let the bra remain hanging from her shoulders. Moving around to face her, he took both her hands and pulled her to her feet and kissed her. Still unsure but almost allowing himself to believe this was it, he hesitated. Jilly unzipped her skirt and stepping out from it crawled onto the bed and under the quilt. She unconcernedly stretched over and strung her bra over the chair.

‘Never seen one of these before,’ she said unaware of his incredulous stare.

‘Sa continental quilt!’ he answered at last.

Still rather dazed, he undressed down to his socks and pants, and walked across to switch off the light. She giggled.

‘What’s up?’

‘You in your socks and thin legs.’ She laughed again rather shrilly.

‘Lucky I’m not wearing Wellington boots!’ He grinned nervously, shrugged and marched forward.

Stuart had forgotten to change the set time of the clock and so it alarmed at ten o’clock as usual. Recognising the severity of the situation he jumped out of bed immediately and dressed rapidly. The landlady rose at dawn and would be well away cleaning by this time. Fortunately she would not come in: when he left the house in the morning he would leave the door open and she knew it was then safe to enter but if the door was closed she waited. He told Jilly to hurry. He could imagine the confrontation if the old one were to enter unannounced.

‘Come on Jilly,’ he urged.

She found her pants amongst the fankled sheets at the foot of the bed and quickly slipped them on. Attempting to pull on her tights she toppled onto the bed and giggled.

‘Ssh for God sake,’ he whispered. ‘The old one’s got ears like an elephant.’

Finally she was ready and he went out closing the door behind him. He looked upstairs and downstairs but no sign of her. Had to be out shopping! He was now standing in the hallway.

‘Quick!’ he roared up the two flights of stairs.

It made no difference how much noise they made now. He was not in the least worried about the other tenants. Perhaps there were no other tenants! Then the girl came clattering downstairs clutching her coat and bag.

‘Got everything?’ he asked.

She nodded unable to speak.

He opened the front door quietly and peered up the street. No one! Grabbing her by the hand he tugged her down the seven steps to the pavement. They strode down the street in the opposite direction to which the old woman always returned.

Shortly after midday he came back to the house. They had eaten breakfast then Jilly had gone into work, against his wishes. They had arranged to meet outside the hospital gates at 5.30 that evening.

He walked upstairs and into his room almost tripping over the suitcase.