James Kelman - Mo said she was quirky

She could have gone to the police about Brian. Only what would she have said? It wasnt the case of a missing person. The person was there. He might not even have been missing like only if he was missing to her and Mum. Because he didnt want them to know where he was. And if he was on the street. Of course he wouldnt want them to know. He would have been ashamed, especially in front of his little sister, even more than Mum.

So if it was him. Either it was or it wasnt. She had to know. She had to.

Only not dwelling on it, one way or the other. If she found him she found him. And if she didnt, better letting it rest, if she could. The past was the past. Why rake everything up? She had no intention of raking everything up. Only like if it was Brian she wanted to see him; she truly truly did. Even to know it was him. Not having to do anything more . She didnt feel she had to. She didnt feel forced . Only if it was him. Why else was she here? If she didnt want to find him. Of course she did. Because if he was ill. Else why was he walking the street? He should have been in hospital. That was it with people, they had no place to go, so they walked about, with that look on their face, my God! The way he stared at them! He frightened everybody.

It was almost like he was mad or something. Perhaps he was, just mentally like how people are ill and should be in hospital. Not mad so much as angry, so so angry; he was, and it changes your brain. How could Helen take him home? Not with a child in the house.

She wasnt going to feel guilty about it, if he was sleeping rough. She had enough problems. If it wasnt one thing it was another. What was she going to do? There was hardly room to swing a cat in their place my God.

Even thinking about it, she hated thinking about it. Thank goodness it was quiet. Although she knew what she was doing: home. Straight home. She had decided. If it was to be it was to be and if it wasnt it wasnt. Then the car from behind. She heard it and glanced back over her shoulder as it passed her by so slowly. Several yards on the driver braked sharply. Helen stopped walking. Two figures were inside. Three. She continued walking, steadily, staring to the front. But as she passed the car began moving and the passenger door swung open suddenly but also like calmly .

How could it be calmly ? But it was; and that was the effect it had as if nothing else for it, only just get in, get in, like a trance, the guy calling to her, so getting into the car, if she was to get into the car. Keeping pace with her as she walked. She stared straight ahead.

A guy called to her: Hey, darling … You fancy a little run? You want to come with us? What d’you say? Hey, hey darling, fancy a little run?

She kept walking. The car kept moving. The men were laughing, but the urgency , she knew the urgency, she knew it; men, she knew it, in this man’s voice, almost like a tremble. Hey darling, you are beautiful, yeh, total pleasure guaranteed, you want to come with us?

She kept walking.

You hear what I’m saying, mature man knows the ropes yeh, check the adverts, like your pleasure, yeh, is our guarantee.

The car jerked ahead now and halted. Helen paused then stepped up to the car door and grabbed at it shouting: Fuck off will you! Just fuck off!

She shoved the door shut and strode on. Was it laughter she heard? She didnt know, couldnt make it out, if it was or just like in her head, whatever. Then another car engine and she quickened on faster till she saw it was a taxi thank God and was running and calling, Taxi! Taxi!

It stopped for her. The other car had gone. Cowards, such cowards. She fumbled the passenger door open, but didnt climb inside. She held onto the door handle.

You alright sweetheart? The driver had a concerned look, and genuine.

Helen attempted a smile. It didnt work. She released the handle and backed off, and waved him away.

The driver’s irritation was obvious. Oh well. If he hadnt called her ‘sweetheart’. ‘Dear’ was bad enough, she didnt like ‘dear’, but ‘sweetheart’, that was like ‘pet’ or ‘flower’, bloody dandelion. The taxi had disappeared.

At least she knew what she was doing. Home! Right now. So why let the taxi go for God sake Helen Helen Helen? because she was going mad, simple and straightforward. Mrs Simple. Tomorrow was her day-off.

Today. Tomorrow was today for nightshift workers. Her and Mo would go someplace with Sophie. The whole day was theirs. He would make the food. Or her. Or together, and Sophie helping. A movie. She so looked forward to it.

That was so typical of her letting the taxi go. So so — just foolish. She was. Then they were on the other side of the street my God the familiarity like she had been dreaming about and here they were the two of them, coming out of the shadows along from the walkway, the one with the limp and him with the beard and the woollen cap.

They were quite a distance away but the shape, the resemblance, it was so so Brian, really and truly my God! the height and the skinniness! coat-hanger shoulders, that was Dad, Mr Malinky and that walk of his, that walk, who else? Helen laughed to see it, she did, it was just so Brian my God it was her big brother, just so amazing; how strange was that, just so amazing. What a strange strange moment. If he turned to look back. He didnt, he just was walking and pausing, going that slow way to keep pace with his mate.

A white van approached in the opposite direction towards the traffic lights, then through on the green and out of sight.

Helen was clutching her bag, and aware that she was, staying on the other side of the road and that distance back from them. If they didnt turn round. They didnt, so didnt see her. It was like her entire existence .

They were heading toward the bridge.

She wanted to run but to keep a safe gap between them too, needing to be sure. She was sure but needed to be even more sure, just like for certain, so she knew for certain.

The two guys walked so slowly she would catch up and she didnt want to. She kept to the side of the pavement, the shadows, and paused by a wall. The smell of urine. Oh well.

You know something. There was no reason to do anything. Helen felt that so so strongly, so like just strongly. If she didnt want to do anything then nothing, so be it, just like nothing.

But it was true.

She smiled. Because really there was no going back on the decision. That was cheery. Although what was it she was to do?

The two homeless guys

She started running immediately, running after them. It was just to get to them, to Brian, also like explaining, wanting to explain it to him, just about everything, everything, everything she thought and felt, that had happened, everything. If she missed him now she would never find him again. She knew that clearly.

She knew everything clearly, really like she knew, she just knew . Her entire life, the strangest strangest feeling like never ever, destined never, how her life never, would never begin . That was so so strange, never to begin and here she was with a six-year-old daughter my God and it was her life, her life to begin, and it had begun. And Brian didnt know. He didnt. She would tell him. Everything would be out in the open.

About Mum and Dad too, how it was their life, and just so unlucky, that was how it was for so so many people and if the cards turned that way it was like bust, you were. Brian too, it was just unlucky, he had had an unlucky life and that was so so unfair, just so unfair. But Helen was the same. Most people are. She couldnt have done anything. She didnt have that control. Girls dont. If Brian thought otherwise he was mistaken, very very mistaken.

She needed to tell him that too and everything that had happened, how things had been for her in her life and her marriage; he didnt know any of that, and about her ex, if he had been there for her but he never was. If he thought it had been easy for her my God how wrong he was like so completely completely wrong, completely wrong. It was all such a fight. She could have wept. Such a horrible bloody fight, if he thought she was lucky, how wrong was he just so so wrong. What had he done in his life? He didnt think about her, just a wee girl, if she needed a brother. Of course she did. What girl didnt? She would have loved that brother. Only it was him.