James Kelman - Mo said she was quirky

Yes.

I dont know why she does it; we’re always last.

Jill shrugged. She doesnt want to go home.

Perhaps she’s having an affair. Sorry, said Helen. Only it explains things. The thought just struck me; sorry. Helen got into the back of the cab. She closed her eyes a moment.

Jill followed her into the middle of the back seat. Now Caroline appeared from the rear of the building. Jill whispered, You were right about smoking.

Helen whispered, I didnt mean anything about what I said there, about the other thing, it just came out.

Caroline had the cigarette in one hand, telephone in the other, snatching a last puff before flinging the butt into the gutter, and moving to enter the passenger side. She pulled shut the door, mouthing an apology while affixing the seatbelt.

Danny waited a few moments before entering the driver’s seat. He shut the door firmly, stared into the rear-view mirror a moment longer. Helen saw his eyes. Eventually he said, That us now girls? Our little noses all powdered?

I dont know about yours, muttered Caroline.

Now dont be like that, he said.

Sarcastic bugger.

Yeh dear yeh, but with a home to go to.

Home for the disturbed, she muttered.

Helen smiled. She muttered something else and Helen smiled at that too, whatever it was, the same old stuff, repartee. Jill wasnt listening but gazing out the other side window, in her own wee world, wherever that was, dreams, nice things, perhaps not; she also had her troubles, poor Jill. Poor everybody. Having to bother about everybody. Nobody was there for her but she was to be there for them. True. That was how it felt. Brian was lovely and a good big brother, he had been. But he wasnt there. She would have liked him to be but he wasnt. But she was to do it for him, whatever, she had to do it, and be there, she had to be there. The whole thing, it was just like

escaping

Imagine your own car. She wouldnt have had to wait for anybody. She could drive it to work. Central London was a nightmare, but people did find parking places. It could even be south of the river. Some did that, then took a tube or a bus. Not worrying about other people, they could do what they wanted. That would be good in itself, that would just be like so so good, worth any hassle for the independence. And they could go places. Sophie would love it. Helen would have to drive because Mo didnt.

Except London traffic, but she would get used to that too. The coast wasnt far either. Oh my God seeing the sea, she so missed the sea. All these wee towns and the country roads, exploring them. Mo would learn. He would. She would teach him. Imagine not having a licence. What you need a car for? That was Mo. Nobody needs a car in London. Yes but to get out of London, that was the point. Everybody would if they could, summer especially.

My God the junction already, that was her head.

Danny was not stopping. The lights were green. They were green and not for changing. So no need to stop. If there was none, no need.

She looked out both side windows, nobody, nothing. She had assumed they would stop and they didnt. Oh well.

Goodness but it was a surprise. She hadnt expected this to happen. She did but she didnt.

Unanswerable questions. If the pair had appeared. She would have asked Danny to stop the taxi, and got out. She wouldnt have said why. Or drove on to the next set of traffic lights, got off there and walked back, even from across the river, or else — whatever, just whatever. But she couldnt have done that because what people would have said, if she was getting off there, why would she have been? It was just like — she couldnt have done.

Caroline was speaking to Jill. What about? They would have assumed Helen was listening. Whatever they were talking about. But Helen wasnt listening. She couldnt have anyway because they were leaning forward with their heads turned to each other. Helen would have had to sit forwards on the edge of the seat and just like whatever because the way they were speaking, it was very hard to hear.

But if the two men had been there! Stop stop! Let me out let me out! Imagine they had been and she did. What would they think? The worst. Whatever it was. People always think the worst. But who could have guessed the truth? Nobody. So it was hardly their fault. Helen couldnt have blamed them. She wouldnt anyway, they were decent friends. Workmates. She didnt meet them outside. She didnt meet anybody outside. She didnt want to. She had Sophie and that was enough, her and Mo.

Oh dear! Her life anyway. She glanced out the window, she glanced at her watch. Oh God, what was she thinking? nothing, everything, nonsense, just nonsense

But she knew what she was doing. She did. Whatever time it was. Not long anyway, just whatever, and home before five thirty, easily. They would still be asleep. She had time, time .

Jill and Caroline were looking at her. Helen frowned. Caroline said, You were talking to yourself.

No I wasnt.

Jill said, You were.

Sorry. I hope it was sensible.

No.

Oh well … Helen smiled, and tried to yawn. Are you two not tired? she said. I’m exhausted.

The taxi approached her area. She settled back in the seat. Whatever she was deciding. Although she had decided. She didnt know when, but that she had. So just like how to do the next stage, that was her; how to go forwards because like her mind was haywire, all night long, with useless stuff, nonsensical stupidity and nonsense, such stupidity and so so nonsensical. She thought about things and then she didnt. The last thing ever was what she would do. Yet she knew she would do something. Even changing her clothes to go home; back in the ‘green room’. She knew it then. Her mind had, without her knowing. Decisions decisions. She had decided. Her mind had done it for her.

The taxi turned into her street.

Danny watched her in the rear-view mirror. She unlocked the seatbelt. Caroline opened the door and shifted to allow her out. Not tonight but tomorrow, said Jill.

Helen smiled. Not tonight but tomorrow, whatever that might mean. She waved while heading towards the steps up to the house. Once the taxi was out of sight she returned along the street.

There was little traffic. She walked for nearly ten minutes before the next available taxi. It must have been the changeover period from night to dayshift. Ten minutes was a while. That was the trouble her phone not working, she could have called the local minicab office. The people there were okay.

Anyway, the hackney was good for anonymity. Although the guy was so slow, so very slow. Some drivers do that, why do they do that? Nobody knows. Life has its secrets!

She could have gone to sleep there in the back seat. It was still dark, although only just, and a strong bleeze blowing. She didnt have a plan, not a proper one, only to arrive at the junction, at the traffic lights, and follow in the direction they were headed yesterday morning. It wasnt too forlorn. London was an impossible place anyway. She needed a point to begin. This was the best, the obvious. Where else? There wasnt any else.

If others saw it differently. How could they? That was them if they did. Helen was Helen; she could only do her best. She paid the driver and set off walking. At least it was dry.

The driver didnt drive off immediately, he was watching to see where she went. Strange how they did that.

She crossed the road, glancing over her shoulder, walking steadily towards the corner under the streetlights. The street off from the main road. She walked towards here, and along. It was quiet. And risky; of course it was. Women should be able to walk the street at night but there is a difference between should and could. If she had been giving advice to Sophie or any young girl it would have been never to do what now she was doing. But people do things and they have to; it is wrong to see choices, not if there arent any.