James Kelman - The Burn

Fin said nothing.

There’s furniture and linen and all that; tablecloths, teatowels; that sort of stuff, sheets and pillowcases. It’s a case of the sisters taking what they want, then flogging the rest. Or I dont know, giving it away, Oxfam or something; they can figure that yin out. It’s sad but. Ye’ve just got to batter on. Fuck aw else ye can do. That’s how I didni want the girlfriend here. I wasni sure how I’d handle it. It’s a bit sad, know what I mean.

How was the service?

Aw fine, fine; better than I was expecting, the actual thing itself, quite moving. Some auld biddies turned up I hadni seen for years. An auld auntie! Derek grinned. Ye want to have seen her, christ, beautiful. The ancient of days. Related to my da. I thought it was good, her turning up, I mean. . Derek grinned again, shook his head. Brooches and fucking. . ye know, hats and fucking chiffon and all that. I last saw her when I was eight. Stern, christ. Travelled up from Ballantrae or some place. Like an auld Covenanter; ye could imagine her voice booming out in a psalm when the troops were arriving. Fuck sake.

Fin chuckled.

But they aw seemed to be church people. My maw’s side too. I mean ye forget people still go to church.

Aw they still go alright!

Yeh. . Tell ye what I have been doing Fin, sketching, I’ve been sketching. Myself. .! I’m sitting staring into mirrors. Catharsis eh?

Maybe it’s necessary.

Yeh, maybe. Listen but I’m glad ye phoned. Sitting up in the house man ye know. . Good ye made contact.

It wasni a chore.

Uch naw I know but thanks I mean anyway.

Fuck sake man.

Derek grinned. It’s just the past, the past; something to fucking hang onti — so’s ye can fucking dump it Fin know what I mean, I want the world, the world, capital double-u. Tell ye a plan I’ve had for a coupla years, saving the dough and going to South America. Getting one of these Volkswagen vans. Getting it kitted out and that.

Mm. Dangerous country. Guy I know was in Nicaragua.

Right.

He was there a year, schoolteacher, says it was fucking amazing, fucking yankee bastards. Central America right enough, no the South. . Ye did know that eh!

Yeh.

Thought ye did! Fin smiled. Sorry.

Dont mention it.

Fin lifted the beer to his mouth, but paused. Give Sammy a phone. He’ll be glad to hear from ye. Dont fucking mind me, I’m biased.

Maybe later. Hey did I ever tell ye when I blew outa here?

Ye hitched across Europe.

Yeh, I was gonni show you bastards, I was really gonni show ye. Art, ye didni know the meaning of the word! Derek stopped and frowned: I wonder what I done it for? That fucking stupid video equipment. It was just lying there. I really fucking done it man eh! Fucking. . He shrugged, smiled. I went chasing the light. Purity! A certain sky! At a certain time of the morning! With certain cloud formations! Who was I looking at then? I dont know — I think it was Corot. Then that classical stuff, these landscapes with bits of architecture, light breaking through the clouds. What I was really doing was looking for ideal sex! as well as cracking up, because I had disgraced the family

Aw fuck.

Naw, just turned nineteen. The auld man dead five years. I really fucking done it man. I really fucking let them down, my maw and ah christ Fin the lot, ye know, that canni be helped, it’s just a fact.

Ah come on.

It’s true but, a fact of life. I accept it. The Great White Hope of the Family.

Fin sighed.

I also had this vision right enough; meeting up with a woman at the side of a lonely country road, a shepherdess, or else the runaway daughter of an Arabian potentate, we would disappear into the horizon the gether, knapsacks on our backs.

Fin smiled.

Romantic young fuckers. A misspent youth. It was all these glossy nude prints, that’s what I blame. .

Aye. . Fin laid his pint on the table: D’ye mind the first time ye slept with a woman?

Yeh.

So do I. I was twenty at the time; quite auld eh?

It’s no that auld.

Fin smiled. Aye it is.

I was eighteen.

Better than twenty.

No much.

Still better but.

Derek shrugged.

I mean twenty’s auld.

No really.

Anyway, anyway, wait till I tell ye. See it was strange, ye know, I mean it was. It was peculiar, a kind of metamorphosis.

What?

Aye, a kind of metamorphosis, the female’s head, when it was on the pillow.

Derek smiled.

Naw, honest, it changed right in front of my eyes, she became a hag, an auld crone. It was like a horror movie. I’m no joking, it was frightening. She had fell asleep and I was looking at her, I was lying up on my elbow, drawing her with my tongue, ye know, on the roof of my mouth — the way us art students are aye supposed to be practising — it musta been roundabout dawn, no quite dark, but no light either. It was after we’d done the business. I think I was still trying to ingrain it in my mind that it’d fucking happened ye know: couldni fucking take it in man. A wonderful experience, ye know, I was trying to capture it forever. That lovely wee feeling when ye press up and ye actually get inside for the first time, all snug.

Shut up!

Naw. . Fin smiled: Honest.

Derek shook his head. Who was it anyway? do I know her?

Nah.

Ye sure?

Nah. Wait till I tell ye but. She’s lying there, right; but see after a wee while, she turns on her back, ye know, her mouth open; I’m just studying her, dead self-conscious man, thinking to myself how it was a magical moment I was gonni have to treasure forever. And then her face changes! Honest! Fin whispered: It had fucking changed! There were all these lines round her mouth and her eyes. And her hair man it was all straggly, and thin like it was really thin. No kidding ye it was fucking frightening. I was wanting to wake her up; cause I was getting scared ye know, but I was waiting for my mind to clear. I knew it was me ye see I knew it wasni her. I shut my eyes a few times but it didni work, I just couldni get myself out it, whatever it was, it just stayed.

The hallucination. .

Aye.

Ye musta been dreaming.

Naw. A hallucination; ye’re right; I was fucking wide awake.

Wow. So what happened?

Nothing. I just musta fell asleep.

Well well.

Naw but fuck sake Derek I mean christ almighty man ye’ve got to admit. . ye know, fuck sake.

Did ye tell the lassie?

Naw. .!

Dont blame ye.

How could ye tell her!

D’ye ever analyse it?

All the fucking time. See back then but Derek I used to think there was something up with any female that liked me, I mean if she didni get bored with my company, there had to be something up with her. Otherwise how come she wasni with somebody else? If she was normal she would be. Ergo she had to have a personality problem. That was how I had it sussed anyhow. I suppose because I’d been waiting so long for the first go it put me off. The longer it went the harder it got. Even after the first yin. It took me fucking ages for the next. Ye used to wonder if it was a figment of the imagination. It was that experience made it real! Maybe if it had all went normal I would still’ve been fucking waiting! Fin laughed. Naw, no kidding ye. My fucking sanity was saved. Without that brain seizure who knows what woulda happened.

Ach everybody’s got problems with women.

Dont spoil it christ.

Naw but they do, everybody.

Aye but they never saw me. Know what I mean? I was the type of guy, if I was at a disco, they’d trip over my feet on the way to the cludgie. In conversation or that man whenever one of them was talking to me I knew she was wanting to talk to somebody else. I could aye see her eye roving the company.

It’s called sex-appeal.