Adam Levin - The Instructions

Right, I said, I’m your leader. Exactly. And we’re not tying anyone up, I said. And what I’m gonna do is tell myself that you’re just really scared, and you don’t really know what you’re saying. You didn’t really make the suggestion I thought I just heard. It was a scared little thought you had and you spoke too soon — you’re not even thinking it anymore, right? Because the scholars are on their way, and after they get here, we’ll all go out, prisoners in tow, and I’ll surrender, and all of you will say that I did this, and I will say that I did this, and everyone will believe that I did this, and you will all be fine.

“Okay,” Berman said. “Okay. I get it. You don’t want the Cage kids to get in trouble either. You’re gonna take responsibility for all of us, right? So, like, what about this? We could tie you up, and then all of us could walk out of here, the Israelites and the Cage kids.”

I said, We’re waiting for the scholars, Berman.

“But the scholars can’t get in here,” Ally said. “There’s too many cops.”

They’ve gotten past cops. They’re coming, I said.

“ Four ,” Ally said. “They got past four in regular cop-clothes. Now there’s a hundred dressed up in riotgear.”

And there’s a hundred cameras, too, I said. Plus how many parents in the parking lot? They’re not tazing kids or gassing kids or clubbing kids on live TV in front of anyone’s parents.

“Maybe they will, maybe they won’t,” Berman said.

I said, Everything I’ve said has come true so far.

“You don’t know,” Berman said. “All due respect. You don’t know what they’ll do. You can’t see the future. It’s a risk, Gurion, and all due respect, we don’t know these scholars. What difference does it make if they get here or not? To us, I mean. What difference?”

If I can get hundreds of scholars to come here to see me, then it helps to make the case that I got all of you to attack the school, kill Desormie, and take prisoners.

“There’s enough of us already, though, right? You said so yourself. If we all say you did this, they’ll believe us anyway, scholars or not.”

“Maybe they will, maybe they won’t,” said Vincie, who’d entered the gap without my having noticed. “It’s a fucken risk, you respectful fuck.”

Vincie, I said, we’re all cool here. Go back to the bleachers.

Vincie made the noise “Tch,” and walked away.

“They’re already on their way — the scholars,” Ally Kravitz said. “They don’t need to get in the building for your plan to work, Gurion. They’ve already come all this way to see you. It doesn’t really matter if they get inside the school or not — they’ve come as far as they have because you told them to. No one doubts that, and no one will — there’s all those emails. And it’s not just us who’re taking a risk here if you insist they come inside the school — there’s them. They could get hurt, too.”

But they’re not gonna get hurt, and neither are we.

“You can’t possibly know that!” Berman said.

We’re going in circles, I said. Now listen to me. I think I know what the problem is here. You’re confused because of the pennyguns. All of you are. Your weapons gave you confidence and made you stronger, okay? But they didn’t make you strong enough to take the school, despite what you think. We were able to take the school because we protected each other. In protecting each other, we did what Adonai wants us to do. We did what He has always told us to do, and were strengthened. Our victory owes to that . Now you see cops outside with superior weapons, and you forget about protection, and you forget Adonai. You think only of weapons. You think that because they have better weapons, they’ll defeat us. I’m telling you they won’t, not as long as we protect each other. I’m telling you: don’t be confused by your weapons.

“Tying you up, now,” said Ally, “and surrendering — that’s a way to protect each other.”

My chemicals were starting to fire a little. Why couldn’t they hear me?

I said, Why can’t you hear me? Why don’t you trust me? Why can’t you see what’s before your eyes? Everything that is good for me is good for the Israelites.

“So you’re saying you are the messiah, then,” Berman said.

No, I said.

“You’re not the messiah?”

I might be, I said.

“You are or you aren’t.”

That’s not how it works.

“That is how it works. You can’t have it both ways. We can’t take it both ways.”

I’m not even asking you to, I said. Even if I am the messiah, what good would it do you to hear me say I was? You’d only doubt it like everything else. Forget about the messiah — no, don’t forget about the messiah… It’s just it doesn’t matter if I’m the messiah. Not here, it doesn’t. I need to give myself up to the cops, or the whole plan crumbles. If I’m tied up, they’re only gonna wonder why you didn’t tie me up earlier. They’re gonna wonder why it took so long.

“We’ll come up with a story.” “We can come up with a story.” “Your back was turned so your swirly pinwheel eyes couldn’t cast their crazy spells on us.” “Your eyes were on the television and you were distracted.” “We came to our senses when you started to—”

Those stories aren’t true, though, and plus you’ll screw them up. You won’t get them straight. You need one story and it needs to be simple. ‘It was Gurion.’ ‘Gurion.’ ‘Gurion did it.’

“He’s right,” said Ally. “You’re right,” he said. “It needs to be simple and it needs to be true. You need to turn yourself in of your own volition. So do it. Do it right now, though, before we get hurt.”

I’ve already made my demands, I said.

“Back off your demands,” Ally said. “Say you got scared. That’s a simple story for you to tell, then we’ll tell our simple one, and everyone will be believed.”

Ally was right. Rather, Ally was correct. His way would work too. If my only concern were the safety of the Aptakisic Israelites and the Side. His solution was the safest, most practical solution. But I had the scholars to think about: delivering them the damage prayer, their public acceptance of June as an Israelite, and the protection of my father. And why didn’t I explain that? Why hadn’t I explained it? Why hadn’t I, at any point prior to this one, told them about my plans regarding June, the delivery of the prayer, the protection of my father? Why hadn’t I told them at the first opportune moment? It was, after all, the truth. And yet it hadn’t even occurred to me to tell them. Rather, it had never occurred to me that it would be a good idea to tell them. But why not? Because I feared they’d suspect me of being blinded by personal motivations? Yes. Because I thought they would, owing to those suspicions, cease to obey me, screwing everything up for themselves and the rest of us? Yes and yes and yes. Because I feared that I was, in fact, blinded by personal motivations?

Curiously or not, scholars: no.

Emphatically no.

I believed what I’d told them with all of my heart. Whether or not I was the potential messiah — and make no mistake; the likelihood that I was seemed to me to be increasing by the second — I believed that what was good for me, in this case at least, was good for the Israelites, and I believed that what was bad for me was bad for the Israelites, and I didn’t see any reason to reveal information to them that might put what was good for us at risk. Some scholars may wish to cast this as a failure on my part to trust my brothers in the Aptakisic gym. Fair enough. It was a failure of trust. But it was just as much a success of mistrust. I knew our limitations, at least a few of them.