Adam Levin - The Instructions

Yes? I said = I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but I understand I’m supposed to pretend you’re getting a divorce because people are listening and you’re speaking in code, some kind of code that I’ll decipher any minute now; you’re offering me a carrot called “live in Yakov’s house,” and warning with a stick called “don’t live in Yakov’s house.”

“Now I want you, in English,” she said in Hebrew — why in Hebrew? not because she believed there wasn’t a Hebrew speaker listening; she had to believe that, or else she would have used Hebrew all along instead of code; rather, she spoke, now, in Hebrew, to clarify that she was no longer speaking in code—“I want you, in English, to tell me you will not kill anyone, and I want that to be the truth. And then I want you to surrender to the police.”

June stuck her head out the gym’s central exit, started to approach me.

I won’t surrender to the police, I said in English. Not before my friends get here. And if I tell you I won’t kill anyone, then Persphere’s gonna raid.

“That may be so,” my mother said in Hebrew. Then back to English: “But if you surrender now and you don’t kill anyone, you will be able to live with me in Yakov’s house, and I know that’s what you’ve wanted all along.”

All along? What was she talking about, all along ? What had I wanted all along ? To write immortal scripture? To ensure my father’s safety? To study Torah with my peers? To be married to June by an Orthodox rabbi? Which all along? All along starting from when, exactly? And if I didn’t know what I’d wanted all along, how could she know what I wanted all along? Yes, she was my mother, and she knew me very well, but she couldn’t know me better than I knew myself. No one could. No one can know anyone better than one knows oneself. All I could make of what my mother was telling me was that she believed there was some reason to have hope, and that it was a real reason; that the reason wasn’t “one should have hope” or “hope will provide,” but some actual, tactical-type, on-the-ground reason. Either that or she was, with the best of intentions, lying to me, colluding with the cops to ensure her son’s safety; i.e., she knew I would not get what I wanted all along — whatever that was — if I promised not to kill and surrendered to the cops, but she knew that if I surrendered and promised not to kill, I wouldn’t, myself, get killed, which because she was my mother was her primary concern.

In either case, it wasn’t enough.

And here was June, taking hold of my hand in both of hers, shaking it around, widening her eyes.

I said to my mom and to anyone else listening: I love you, Ema, but I’ve said all I’ll say. Persphere lets my friends in and no one gets killed. After that I surrender. Now I have to go.

I turned off the phone.

“Who’s this ‘Ema’?” June said.

I said, Ema means mom.

June kissed my mouth, and then she stopped. I tried to re-start, but she ducked away.

Hey, I said.

“I have something to tell you that you don’t want to hear, and you’re not allowed to think I’m a bad Israelite.”

I won’t, I said.

“Because Eliyahu and the Five think the same thing as me, Gurion.”

I like to hear you say my name.

She said, “Berman is bad.”

He isn’t, I said. He’s just been afraid.

“No. You’re wrong. All those ex-Shovers are bad, Gurion, and everyone else in their bleachers is with them. On TV they started showing the front of the school again, and there’s all these cops in a line, and a helicopter, and everyone got freaked out all over again, and the Israelites started whispering in circles, back and forth. I tried to listen in to what they were saying, but they’d stop the second I was close enough. Eliyahu tried, too, and the Five. Same thing, though. I think they’re plotting against you. I don’t think you should go back in there. I think you should send me back in there and I’ll say you ordered that I bring the Side of Damage out for guard duty, and we’ll all go somewhere else in the school where you’ll be safe, and wait there for the scholars. Vincie thinks so, too. And so does Eliyahu.”

I said, The Israelites are with us. They’re just afraid.

She said, “Every time you leave, they start acting shady.”

I said, Every time I come back, they stop acting shady.

She said, “They’re whispering, though, Gurion. If they were shouting, that would be one thing — but whispering…”

I said, We’re whispering right now. And so were you and Eliyahu and Vincie.

“And in all those cases, something was being plotted.”

And this plot, like that one, is being shot down. I’m shooting it down.

“Please?” June said, “Please just listen to me? I’ve got a really bad feeling. Let’s go somewhere else.”

I can’t, I said.

“Well I won’t go back in with you.”

Okay, I said. I understand. Just go wait at the nurse’s with Jelly and Benji. No one but us knows that’s where they are. As soon as the scholars come in, I’ll come get you.

“No,” June said. “I’m leaving. I’m going outside.”

Okay, I said. Okay, I said. I said, I wish you’d stay, but I guess I under-stand, or that I will understand. Or no, actually. I mean I don’t understand at all, but I should because I love you, so I will, I think, eventually, but… Come on, June, I love you. The hardest part’s over. Just stick around. We have to do what’s dangerous, remember?

“If you go back in the gym, I’m leaving,” she said.

I need to go back in, I said. I wish you wouldn’t leave, but if you have to, I guess let me tie up your wrists, and I’ll take you out the front.

“No wrists,” June said. “I wasn’t a prisoner. I’m not gonna pretend I was a prisoner.”

Please let me tie your wrists, I said.

“You’re missing the point!” she said, and she punched me in the chest, and grabbed my hand, and grabbed my other one, and we didn’t go anywhere, but swayed there and hugged and arm-pulled a little. It wasn’t exactly dancing.

Berman and Cory were waiting in the bleachers-gap. From behind them came the voice of the network anchor, enumerating “non-lethal assets.” Tear gas. Pepper spray. Billyclubs. Tazers. I squeezed June’s hand, said, I need to talk to Aleph and his boy here, okay? Please tell the Side I’ll be there in a minute.

Berman leaned close, checked over his shoulder. When June turned right at the edge of the bleachers, he told me, “We’re done for if we don’t surrender.”

No one’s done for, I said. You’re all just afraid. I need you to act like a leader, Berman. The scholars are coming. They’ll get here soon. I need you to keep the soldiers cool in the meantime. They’re looking to you.

Ally Kravitz turned the corner into the gap.

“Listen,” Berman said. “There’s no way this is gonna work. It’s one thing for your friends to get past four cops. I was as happy to see that as the next guy, okay? But there’s a hundred cops out front. And a helicopter. And snipers, and—”

“We want to tie up the Side and surrender,” Cory said. “We want to tell the cops the Side made us do this, but we overcame them.”

And which ‘we’ is this?

“The Israelites,” said Berman.

Which ones? I said to Berman. Eliyahu? The Five? June? Jelly?

“I don’t want to be a rat.”

That’s a funny thing to say.

Berman looked at his feet.

Are you including me in this ‘we’?

“Of course,” Berman said, hope aflicker. “You’re our leader, right?”