Adam Levin - The Instructions

AUDIENCE (OFFSCREEN)

(SHOUTS OF “HOLLER” FOLLOWED BY SHUSHING SOUNDS, THEN QUIET)

BARNUM SLOKUM

(SLINGS HALF-COURT MICROPHONE OVER SHOULDER, HALVES BROADSHEET, QUARTERS BROADSHEET, EIGHTHS BROADSHEET, SIXTEENTHS BROADSHEET, THROWS BROADSHEET CONFETTI OVER SHOULDER; BRINGS HALF-COURT MICROPHONE TO CHIN)

Weekly Eagle , regal beagle. We’ve won all our games since I joined varsity two years back: that’s true. It’s true I’m tall, it’s true I’m a serious player, and it’s true the Aptakisic Indians are unstoppable. But no matter what any hack at the enemy school’s newspaper writes or thinks, the Aptakisic Indians aren’t unstoppable because I’m tall, and we’re not unstoppable because I’m a serious player. We’re not unstoppable because I got backup from my excellent Co-Captain William “The Co-Captain” Baxter or Lonnie “Blonde Lonnie” Boyd either. We’re not unstoppable because of any one of the players or even all of the players. The Aptakisic Indians are unstoppable because the Aptakisic Indians are the Aptakisic Indians. And the Aptakisic Indians are the Aptakisic Indians because we go to school with you, understand. With you . That’s what the enemy doesn’t want you to know. And yeah, we’ll win this afternoon and you’re behind us and all of us know that. And yeah, to some people it might look like you’re behind us because we’ll win this afternoon, but what I’m telling you is we’ll win this afternoon because you’re behind us . That’s what we’re here for, in this gym. Right now. To get rallied. By you. You’re rallying us, understand. You’re showing us you’re behind us. We’re all Indians here, and even though it’s the basketball players who bring the victory and even though it’s the basketball players who get the most props for the victory, the basketball players are only the right arm of the entire student body, and an arm, no matter how ripped, no matter how powerful, can’t operate independent of the body it’s attached to, can it. I’m saying it can’t. I’m saying hell no it can’t. Our strength makes you believe in us, sure, but your belief in us is what makes us strong. Aptakisic’s victories on the court are as much your victories as they are mine and the other players’. We are all equally responsible for and deserving of what we have and what we’ll get. I want you to understand that. I want you to believe that. And so when you get home tonight and your parents ask you what happened at the Indians-Eagles game, I don’t want you to say “Bam was strong and our team was victorious.” And I don’t want you to say, “Our team was victorious and glory is upon them.” I want you to stop being so humble. I want you to say, “I was strong and I was victorious.”

AUDIENCE

(RISING APPLAUSE)

BARNUM SLOKUM

(PACING MIDCOURT TO THE LENGTHS THE HALF-COURT MICROPHONE CORD ALLOWS; RAISES VOICE)

I want you to say to your parents: “Tonight, on this bread of victory that I baked, I spread the butter of glory I churned with much dedication and elbow grease. Tonight I sup on my victory, Mom, on my glory, Dad. Would. You. Like. To try a bite?”

AUDIENCE

(ROARING)

BARNUM SLOKUM

(PACING MIDCOURT; VOICE RAISED)

And your parents, believe me — I don’t care what kind of relationship you’ve got with them — they’ll take you up on that offer. You share that sandwich with them — are you hearing me? — you share that glory sandwich with them and they’ll love you forever. Believe. Believe, believe, believe. (STANDS AT HALFCOURT, GESTURES UNTIL SILENCE COMES.) In closing: you guys are so great. And we on the floor here — we know it. And that’s another reason why we do this circus every year. Not just for the team to get rallied, understand, but for the team to show you its appreciation for the way you folks are always rallying us. It’s a beautiful, mutual thing that way, this pep rally, this school, and we’ve all had fun, it’s true, believe, but we’re about to have a lot more. The liontamer’s still prepping in the locker-room, so to speak — we’ll have to wait a few minutes for him to come out and emotionalize us. But in the meantime, I want you to give it up, and give it up heavy for ten jumping beauties in tiny skirts and tight sweaters. They build our pyramids. They lead our cheers. They really know how to shake it. Put your hands together for Aptakisic Squaw Squad.

I had twenty-one soldiers behind me. We divided the surplus ammo twenty-two ways. Then I divided the soldiers into platoons.

Vincie’s platoon (six total) would guard the fire alarm by the side-exit (three) and between the locker-room doors inside the gym (three). Ben-Wa’s (eight total) would establish three positions: one at the southern border of the B-Hall/Main-Hall junction (three), one across Main Hall along the northern border of the front entrance (three), and a third at the B-Hall fire-alarm near the B-Hall/2-Hall junction (two). Before entering the gym, we’d mug Jerry for his keys and lock all the classrooms in B-Hall. Combined with the efforts of the Ben-Wa platoon, the B-Hall lockdown would ensure that anyone who fled the rally couldn’t get to an alarm we didn’t have soldiers on — they’d either have to pipeline through one of the gym doorways along the northern wall and go out the front entrance of the school, or go straight outside through the side-exit (pushbar-door) of the gym on the western wall.

The third platoon, Nakamook’s (seven), would target the Indians.

My platoon, of indeterminate number (me + June + The Five + Eliyahu + Ally’n’Googy + Berman + all unknown armed Israelites in the gym), would take care of the rest, reinforcing where needed.

I described the plans fast.

Any questions? I said.

“I don’t want to sound like a pussy,” Mark Dingle said, “and I’m gonna do this anyway — but how we gonna all get away with it, like, after we take the school?”

I said, Hundreds of soldiers are coming here today. We hold the gym til they arrive. Then we turn ourselves in and I take responsibility. Simple as that.

“But we’ll be on camera, you said,” Forrest Kenilworth said. “They’ll have us on tape,” said Stevie Loop. And Ansul said, “That’s evidence against us.”

I said, If we start this off right — if you all do what I tell you — there’s gonna be a lot of kids in that gym bringing lots of damage — to us, to each other, to everyone. They’ll be on tape, too. It’ll look like a riot. Like no one’s in control. Like everyone’s guilty. And even if we do it wrong — even if no one else rises up — even if we get crushed —then, like I said: Hundreds of soldiers . On their way here. On their way to see me . They’re all ditching school, they’re all carrying weapons, and they’re coming all the way from Chicago. If I can get them to do all of that, I can get you to do this — that’s what people will say when they see the tapes. They’ll say I did this. That I did all of it . Do you understand?

“Yes,” they all said.

Are there any more questions?

There were no more questions.

You’ve got three minutes to get to know your weapons, I said. Vincie and Benji’ll show you how to use them. Shoot exactly how they show you or your thumbs’ll get damaged and you’ll never hit your targets.

Vincie and Benji stepped forward to demonstrate.

I entered the bathroom and howled wolf.

“Stevenson High School. Principal Barney’s office.”

Who’s this? I said.

“This is Ms. Sampsel.”

Good, I said. We hoped it would be you. You were always kind to us. We always liked you.