Adam Levin - The Instructions

The Flunky and I climbed onto the table. He bent his knees and scooped me up. He counted to three. On three he jumped. We came down hard.

“Horror-alize!” “Crushalate!” “But who else is there to get? Like specifically, I mean.”

The coinbox popped and change gushed forth.

“Quarters and nickels like mad here,” said Benji.

Baruch Hashem.

“Horror-alize? No. Horror- orize …? No.” “‘Who else specifically ?’ How about the basketballers who no one knows the names of?” “And how about a million jerkstore Shovers?” “Horrorize! Yes! Horrorize! Horrorize!” “All the teachers who sent us to the Cage in the first place!” “Smackalate!” “Jackilize” “Ripalate!” “Tear-… Tear-o — no. Tear-alate? Tearalate? Tearalate!” “How about the whole motherfucking Arrangement !”

I was splayed on the floor, next to the Flunky. The claw had come down right next to my head. Its shape had held — a well-made claw. Maybe stainless. Maybe even titanium. I stood up and banged it like a gavel on the table.

I said, Everyone get in line for coins. Ten apiece. Forsake the dimes.

It was twenty after ten = thirty minutes til the end of the pep rally. While the Side got their coins, I called 911 on Botha’s celly to report an explowsion et Deh Franteah Maytelle. The operator asked if I was safe, and I told her I was; I was in my car at Kilroy and Rand. She asked my name and I told her it was Victor Bo — then pretended to lose the signal and turned the phone off.

“They’ll call your friend at the motel before they go there,” Benji told me.

That’s fine, I said.

“You think they’ll send people anyway?”

Maybe, I said. It doesn’t matter.

“Oh,” said Benji. “Oh!” he said. “We’re crying wolf?”

For now, I said. Is your mom at work?

“Yeah.”

Call from Jelly’s phone and tell them there’s a fire in the basement — your mom locked you in there and went to work and now there’s a fire in the basement.

“We don’t have a basement.”

Even better, I said.

COACH RONALD DESORMIE

(AT HALF-COURT MICROPHONE, USING OWN MEGAPHONE)

Thank you. I’m glad to have your guys’ ears because we need to talk, you and I, cautch to student-body. We need to talk about the elephant in the room. Can anyone tell me what that elephant is?

10:10 AM: C3 ( C1 ; C4; C6; C9 )

BLEACHERS

(STUDENTS FIDGETING, TEACHERS SHUSHING STUDENTS)

10:11 AM: C1 (C4; C3; C6 ; C9)

COACH RONALD DESORMIE

(AT HALF-COURT MICROPHONE, USING OWN MEGAPHONE)

I know it’s hard to talk about, so I’ll just say it. That elephant is the scoreboard in this very gymnasium. The scoreboard and what’s been done to it. The world-class Aptakisic Indians scoreboard which was just Monday in perfect working order only to have the H and the V knocked out of it on Tuesday and how that was disrespectful enough to everything we stand for and was going to be embarrassing already this afternoon, when the Twin Groves Eagles are coming for the opening game versus our Indians, without how on Wednesday it got totally destroyed so it’s not in any kind of working order and there’s unsightly dings in the floor that came from some of the pointier rocks as an outcome of those rocks making contact with the floor after they got thrown at the scoreboard, too. I’m here to tell you disrespect and embarrassment will not stop the Indians, who have worked hard for me, ladies and gentlemen. Hard for us, our fighting Indians, hard for this school , people. In practice is what I’m talking about, hours and hours of practice over the last nine weeks to really come together as a team who will dominate so as to bring this school and all of us that kind of glory known as opening-game-of-the-season glory, which is a kind of glory you only get a chance at once per academic year because there’s only one opening game per year isn’t there? Yes there is just one, and how often does that opening game take place at home ? And I’ll tell you how often because how often is every other year , meaning last year it was away, and though last year, yes, we dominated that opening game, it was not as effective a brand of domination in terms of the glory I spoke of as it was gonna be this year in terms of the glory I spoke of. And then next year it’ll be away again, and though I have to believe we will dominate next year, it will, again, be that same kind of less-effective domination that we had last year that I just described. And since this year our world-class scoreboard’s been destroyed for the opening game, which is the kind of thing that diminishes the kind of domination I’m talking about here, can we go three years in a row without that kind of domination and still hold our heads up? is what I was asking myself yesterday. The way in which I was answering was: no, I don’t think we can, I really don’t think we can because I think we’ll be lucky to survive after three years without that kind of domination, let alone survive with our heads up. That kind of domination at an opening game at home is unmatched in its potential to boost spirits and bolster our feelings of general confidence, not just at school I’m talking, but also at home and in our personal relationships to people who we spend time with and so on. And maybe some of you are thinking that when I was asking that question and answering how I was answering it, I was being too, how should I put it? Overdramatical. Maybe some of you are thinking: “Jeez, Cautch, a couple years ago we didn’t even have a world-class scoreboard, and a couple years ago we survived just fine with our heads up.” But you see this isn’t like a couple years ago, people, because now we not only don’t have a world-class scoreboard, but we do have a world-class scoreboard that has been vandalized and doesn’t even work, which is worse than no world-class scoreboard at all is what I’m telling you. In fact it’s worse than having no any -class scoreboard at all because of how a gym with no scoreboard at all could at least possibly indicate that that gym is part of a school with so little funding it can’t afford even a low-class or no-class scoreboard, and that would set the stage for the kind of underdog story where the poor kids from the poor school and their poor cautch who should be coaching pros but can’t because he’s too passionate a man to coach pros who do it for money that isn’t pure instead of the glory that these poor kids do it for, and who was booted permanently from the NCAA for losing his cool on a player who wasn’t toeing the line and maybe even got a little violent with that player, and publicly, and that player whined and sued like the spoiled-rotten player for money who doesn’t care about glory that he was, much less teamwork, and the public knew it and stood behind the coach who was, of course, a foot shorter and about a buck lighter than the player who whined and sued, but rules were rules said the bigshots who ran the NCAA and that coach got banned and did he suffer? No. He didn’t suffer because he had long arms that coach, like my father used to say, meaning he could pull himself up by the bootstraps, which is what he did, with a fire in his eyes and also in his belly and with a ticker that wouldn’t quit either, and he came to that junior high school and coached those poor kids who didn’t even have a scoreboard but cared about glory and teamwork and the other values, and then they won against the kids who did have a scoreboard, but we the Indians do have a scoreboard. A world-class one. And it’s broken. And even though I would’ve, if I ever coached in the NCAA and had a money player who didn’t toe the line or care about glory, I never slapped a player in the NCAA, which I never coached in, it’s true, and so the Indians are suffering for no reason that has to do with me. They’re suffering for a reason that has to do with vandalism and ill will and no intestinal fortitude or honor of any kind on the part of others so now we have to find volunteers to keep score with flipcards, and I’m not trying to be negative. I see the long faces, but you gotta let me finish first. I was only just telling you about the way I was answering that question about surviving with our heads up, which was: No. Today I answer it different. Looking at my players, our players, I got hope and my answer now is: Yes. Maybe we’re not too poor to afford a scoreboard, but two of our starters and one of our benchmen got injured in assaults yesterday, and unless lightning strikes twice in similar locales, which we all know it can’t, Twin Groves’ players have not been assaulted by schoolmates this week, meaning we’ve got a need to show some heart. To climb out from under what’s trying to keep us under it. We got difficulties to overcome, and since the scoreboard’s been destroyed, those difficulties are blessings, and once we overcome them, do you know what it is, because I’m tellin you it’s glory freakin road. FLIPPIN! GLORY! FREAKIN! ROAD!