Adam Levin - The Instructions

I didn’t, I said.

“Didn’t what? I didn’t ask you about doing anything. You hear that, Hec? I ask him if he heard what I said to you and he starts in about how he’s innocent. Innocent of what is my question. Far’s I can tell, we’ve got a guilty conscience on our hands. What didn’t you do, Gurion?”

I didn’t hear what you said to Hector, I said.

“Just now, you mean? Or originally?”

I said, Originally.

“Right, right. You didn’t hear. Says he didn’t hear, Hec. Well, I’ll tell you what, then, Gurion: I was just telling Hector over there about how they always return to the scene. Of the crime. Now, let’s talk, you and I, man to man. Off the record. You won’t see me taking notes. I don’t even have a pencil to take notes with . You want a pencil, you see Jerry over by the front entrance. He’s got a pencil. Keeps it in his cap. I’m the one’s got the cone. So where were you this morning at such-and-such a time?”

With my mom, I said. I said, I really have to pee.

The bladder is a mystery. I’d had to piss bad in the Office, and then I didn’t, and then it was stabbing me again.

“Tie it in a knot there, kid, because my next question’s a zinger,” said Floyd. “My next question is how come when I ask you about where were you at such-and-such a time this morning, you’re so quick with an alibi that’s your mom when I didn’t even specificate the exact time? Are you trying to tell me that you, who we were put on alert for by Brodsky himself because he was ditching the ISS, were with your mom all morning?”

All morning, I said, and I’ve been in the Office since noon and I have a pass, and I need to piss.

“Let’s have a look-see,” Floyd said. “Let’s. Have. A look. See.”

I flashed the pass, and Floyd looked dizzy. The two conflicting protocols — ALLOW STUDENTS WITH PASSES TO PASS vs. OBEY ALL ORDERS GIVEN BY BRODSKY UNTIL OTHERWISE ADVISED — were melting his circuits. He was mumbling to himself. “Looksy. Look see ? Look see. Looksy?”

My wang ached hotly and my thigh-muscles were jumping. I thought: Ten times a day. The bladder is a mystery and Maimonedes was smart.

I said, Floyd, you can take me to the Office after I go to the bathroom, or you can take me to the Office after I piss on your shoes. I said, In ten seconds, I will pull out my wang and piss on your shoes.

Floyd tilted his head and made a mock-curious face he scratched the cheek of with his swearfinger and said, “Fine then. But only because maybe I have to use the facilities myself, and so I’m going with you so don’t even think about escape.”

I walked fast into the locker-room with Floyd at my heels. I would have run, but I thought running would cause piss to leak. Floyd overtook me by the window of Desormie’s office. I saw purple spit-droplets jumping out from the bell of his cheering cone, which flailed at the end of its wrist-string, and I had to slow up so I wouldn’t get spattered.

Floyd went to the urinal farthest from the door, and six seconds later, while I planted myself before the middle one, I heard the sound of his zipping. By the time I was unzipped, he was already headed for a stall, grumbling into his cone about what a creep I was.

I pissed so hard the soap flipped twice, and when I was done I said, Floyd, back in the nineties, did anyone ever call you a Two-Point-Five?

And Floyd said, “What?”

I said, I saw this movie once called Boyz in Da Hood , which was about gangsters in Compton in the nineties, and all the gangsters in the movie called the cops ‘Five-Oh’ and I asked Benji Nakamook why they called them that and he asked his cousin, and his cousin told him it was because cops in LA drove Mustang 5.0s, which were really fast.

“So what?” Floyd said, not pissing anymore, not flushing, just waiting behind the stall door, trying to save face.

So they were called ‘Five-Oh,’ I said.

“So you’re asking did anyone call me ‘Five-Oh’ in the nineties?”

No, I said, they called real cops ‘Five-Oh’ in the nineties. I’m asking if anyone ever called you ‘Two-Point-Five.’

“I don’t think so,” he said. “I can’t remember anyone ever calling me that.”

I washed my hands. Floyd fake-moved his bowels for another minute. The metal rectangle on the door between the bathroom and the locker-room read WE DAMAGE in drippy Wite-Out.

Benji Nakamook, Leevon Ray, and Vincie Portite were waiting in the waiting chairs when we got to the Office. Just past the threshold, Floyd went hipshot like an R&B diva on a magazine cover or an infantry general getting sculpted by a master. Hands on his waist, he raised his chin high.

Vincie sat in the chair that was closest to the door, and as I passed him on the way to the ISS desk, he put up his hand and I punched his palm. The punch was automatic — we’d quit high-fiving a couple weeks earlier in favor of pounding fists.

Vincie grabbed my fist with the hand I’d punched, and slapped the side of it with his other hand. Then he did a kind of grinding of the slapping hand’s palm against my fist-side, which was also unusual and confused me.

A folded square of paper fell to the floor when I retracted my fist.

I thought: A note from June.

Vincie stepped on the note so Miss Pinge wouldn’t see.

Miss Pinge was distracted by Floyd the Chewer. She had failed to congratulate him for having brought Gurion in, and during the few seconds it took me to klutz Vincie’s note-passing plan, Floyd had begun nodding slowly, knowingly, and making the noise, “Eh? Eh?”

I sat at the ISS desk, hoping the note said June loved me.

“Eh?” Floyd said.

Miss Pinge said, “Can I help you, Floyd?”

Vincie pulled his foot toward his body, but the friction of the carpet fuzz gripped the paper more powerfully than Vincie’s sole, and the note got exposed, and again he had to step on it.

Breaking his victory pose to point at me with one hand and hold cone to mouth with the other, Floyd said, “That one over there returned to the scene of the crime that was perpetuated on the scoreboard in the gym.” Then he put his pointing hand back on his waist and added, “Just like Ronny D and myself predicted.”

Vincie tried dragging his foot really slowly but the carpet wouldn’t let the note go.

“So where is Ronny D, anyway?” said Floyd. “He said he’d be in here if he wasn’t in his office, and he wasn’t in his office, so…”

Leevon elbowed Vincie and Vincie took his foot off the note.

“Ron’s talking to Mr. Brodsky,” Miss Pinge said to Floyd.

Leevon is stealth, but even when you’re stealth, you can blur a periphery. Leevon made a blur when he bent to grab the note.

“What’s that ?” Miss Pinge said.

Leevon shrugged.

“Leevon,” she said.

Leevon chewed thumbskin.

Benji ran distraction. “So,” he said, “did you kiss June Watermark?”

“No talking to students in ISS,” said Miss Pinge. “You know that, Benji.”

Leevon flipped the note into Vincie’s lap.

“You know you want to know the answer,” said Benji. “Just let him say yes or no.”

“I want to know,” Pinge said, “what Leevon just did.”

“But not as much as you want to know about Gurion and June.”

“You’ve got the dimples of a con-man.” Benji was her favorite.

“When’s the chief gonna be done with Ronny D?” said Floyd.

“So?” Benji said.

I haven’t kissed her, I said.

“Better hurry,” Benji told me, “or she might start to hate you. I was thinking about that all last night — how I forgot to tell you about the way she might hate you if you wait too long to kiss her. It’s almost always better to jump the gun than latestart off the line.” He twitched his head sideways = “Pay attention to Vincie and Leevon.” (I waited, so Miss Pinge wouldn’t follow my eyes.) “Do you know why we’re here?” Benji asked.