Stephen Dixon: 30 Pieces of a Novel

Heard her car drive up, park in back, went out to meet her, kissed her lips as she was getting out of the car, and she said, “Umm, that’s nice, good welcome home, thanks mucho,” helped her bring the packages and things in — bag of groceries, two six-packs of ale, a planter, plants, bean poles, wire tomato cages or whatever they’re called, gardening tools, twenty-five-pound bag of potting soil and fifty-pound bag of cow manure. She said, “Wow, you’re being super nice, it’s almost as if you missed me,” and he said, “Sure, what do you think, and you know Gould, when isn’t he, right?” and laughed, and she said, “Okay, I don’t want to ruin the mood, so I’ll resist answering that. How was swimming?” Touched his head and said, “Your hair’s still wet. For shopping, I’ll confess, much as I got done, was a dumb idea; you were smart not to go. It felt like it was a hundred both ways outside,” and he said, “How do you mean?” and she said, “You know: temperature, humidity.” “Swimming was great, water just right: cool, not pee-warm. A bit crowded on the grass but I got a shady spot, and some young women near me, three of them like Graces, even took their tops off to expose themselves and sunbathe. Only kidding,” and she said, “But why’d you say it?” and he said, “I have to go into a long psychological explanation? Hey, like everybody else, men especially, stupid thoughts about breasts and sex can suddenly pop into my head. But imagine, I’ve nothing to complain of since you left— me , the arch grumbler from way back when it comes to the country. Even the walk uphill here was nice. But listen to this, you won’t believe it,” and he told her what he had seen on the service road coming home. “I’m sure they’re done by now, but I wouldn’t count on it, the way they were going, so sort of lost in the act. Or they probably waited two seconds and began again. In a secluded or semisecluded area in a state park — they ought to call it the pubic area — where walkers, joggers, bird-watchers, service vehicles, even little Piermont kids taking a shortcut to the pool can parade by and watch, and these stupid teenagers didn’t even stop,” and she said, “Well, from what you said nobody saw it but you, and it was probably over pretty fast, so what’s the big deal? They had to do it badly, and I’m sure she was more like seventeen or eighteen. And this could have been their last time for weeks or even months, if he’s in the army and going off to basic training or overseas — that could be a possibility — so they chose doing it there because they had no other place. They live with their different families in the city, let’s say, or Nyack, in cramped spaces, even, so were dying to be alone. And they’re young, impetuous, want to do it ten times a day. I only hope he used a condom or she had her own device in, because it’s getting monstrous the number of illegitimate births among teens today, and a lot the men care. I see it in my school all the time: pregnant kids. And where they can’t afford it and such, or don’t have the interest or time for babies, they palm them off on their parents or grandparents or have these sloppy cheap abortions that kill or maim some of these girls,” and he said, “No bag, I saw the whole thing in glimpses. Average-size dick but hard as a rock, it seemed; the opening of her vagina — what is that part called? The labia, lip, vulva, but the flap,” and, when she just stared at him, “but you know what I mean. I’m not saying this for any prurient reason. It was really something. I wanted to come back — I’m not kidding now — and just jump on you, or maybe give you a little preparation for the leap, for besides making me somewhat perturbed as to their just doing it in the open there for everyone to see, I have to admit it got me excited too,” and she said, “Fine, wonderful; good thing I was still out shopping. Why didn’t you do it to yourself when you got back if you felt that excited? It’d seem, if you’re going to do it at once like that, that’d be the time,” and he said, “Because, if you want to know, I didn’t want to lose it for you,” and she said, “You mean that when my turn comes around you want there to be something left?” and he said, “In a way,” and she said, “Oh, please, how do you know I’d even want to today or tonight?” and he said, “I thought I might be able to convince you if it was immediately apparent you weren’t interested. That is, if you were physically up to it: your period or just being too knocked out by the heat or sleepy tonight. Or we’d just do it a last time because I leave tomorrow and won’t see you for almost a week. And I didn’t want to do it a few hours after or even try doing it an hour after I just came by doing it to myself. It wouldn’t be as exciting for me that way, if I could even get it up a second time so soon,” and she said, “If I wanted to make love I could suggest it. Or I can get into it when you suggest it, if I want to. But I certainly don’t need to be persuaded. I don’t even like being persuaded. I definitely don’t; I don’t like pressure of any kind when it comes to sex. Either we both want to and we do it or one of us wants to and suggests it in an agreeable soft undemanding way and the other says ‘no’ or ‘yes’ or ‘later’ or ‘I don’t know when,’ and that’s the way it should be, but you obviously don’t agree,” and he said, “Why, my face?” and she nodded, and he said, “Well, what I think is maybe sometimes the other should bend over backwards a little — and I don’t mean literally, but literally sometimes would be okay too,” and laughed, and she didn’t, and he said, “Sorry, my silly jokes again, if that one could be called that. Or just my unrestrainable compulsion to make them when we’re talking about serious things, but you know what I’m saying,” and she said, “No, what?” and he said, “You know, that occasionally one of us might want to do it with the same sort of urgency those two kids had before, if that’s what it was with them and not just some lunkhead scoring or a dumb girl trying to trap the guy by getting him to screw her when they had no protection during her most fertile period. ‘Fertile period.’ That’s a good one, since you’re least fertile when you have your period. But this doesn’t have to happen all the time, when one doesn’t and the other most urgently does. Though sometimes the other in this should cooperate that way, that’s all I’m saying, or try to — it’s part of sort of helping each other out. And believe me, it’s easier for the woman than the man, for what’s it take?” and she said, “Easier physically perhaps for the woman, under ideal conditions, if you’re only talking about male erections here. Because you think all it takes for her is a simple spreading of legs and letting the guy in? That’s what you expected of me when I came home?” and he said, “No, I told you, first I thought I’d only suggest we do it — amiably, undemandingly, deferentially — thinking maybe you’d want to, since that’s what’s happened plenty of times,” and she said, “Never on such a hot stifling day — there’s no air,” and he said, “Then we’d turn the fan on us,” and she said, “And get a cold? I hate when that thing’s blowing right on me,” and he said, “Then we get it to blow around the room. It’s got a switch to make it oscillate, doesn’t it? I should know, I bought it for you,” and she said, “And what am I supposed to say now—” and he said, “You’re not, that’s not why I said it”—“‘Thank you for the oscillating fan, here’s my fanny backwards, plug into it from whichever angle you wish’?” and he said, “Of course not; I was only saying—” and she said, “I know what you were only saying. You were saying, ‘Listen, first I’ll try to ensnare you into sex and if that doesn’t work I’ll ask you to participate in it as a favor’: spread my legs, let you zip it in when I’m in no way ready, couple of pump motions, shoot the works, and out, and heck with me and my feelings and the timing and everything else in the process — I’m to simply be your little dumping ground for semen,” and he said, “No, really, but sometimes you wouldn’t want it the same way around for you?” and she said, “Absolutely not. Like you, I’d suggest, and if you weren’t interested, which’d be surprising — your heightened male ego sometimes I’m practically sure makes you do it when you’ve no energy or inclination to. Anyway, that’d be it, then: we wouldn’t do it and it wouldn’t be the end of the relationship but just an example of its honesty and sturdiness and durability,” and he said, “Nice words, and I appreciate your putting the situation that way, but I see we have a small disagreement here, nothing major, so it’ll be okay,” and she said, “If you can’t even agree with what I just said then it is major or bumping into it. But this entire conversation — finding out what you want and how you want and expect it — has really turned me off, Gould,” and he said, “I hope not through the morning too, before I’ve got to get up for work,” and she said, “Yes, it probably has, so don’t count on getting laid, all right? Now I want to take a shower and get out of these stinky clothes,” and he said, “Get out of the clothes first, I’d suggest,” and she said, “What’s that supposed to mean?” and he said, “Believe me, nothing sexy or come hither-like; just the order of those two: you’d want to get out of your clothes before you stepped into the shower, wouldn’t you?” and she said, “What do you think I am, stupid?” and he said, “I swear, anything but,” and she said, “Then what?” and he said, “I’m sorry, my irrepressible joke-making again, maybe. Can’t you take a joke, or, rather, can’t I fail at making one, if not many? I mean, some guys never make one and some never even try. They’re dour, serious, stolid, which I’m by nature not. And it’s summer. Though I’m not on vacation, I wish I were, and I should be but the store’s not going to give me one, so in a way I am this weekend — I feel relaxed, if maybe a bit witless,” and she said, “Oh, get off it, that’s bullshit. I don’t know, this isn’t going to work,” and he said, “What isn’t?” and she said, “Listen, don’t get offended, but why don’t you take the bus home now. I want to be alone and do some planting after my shower,” and he said, “After you clean up you want to get dirty?” and she said, “Planting isn’t getting dirty. And yes, the shower will be to wash up but mostly to cool myself off, and the planting is for some veggies I want to come up in early fall. I still have time: radishes and a variety of late lettuces that can take the cooler weather,” so it was probably July that this happened, even early July, though radishes only take, he remembers from when he once planted them when he rented a house in Connecticut ten years ago, about seventeen days to mature, so who knows when it was. And he forgets how long lettuce takes, but the time could vary for different kinds, and he said, “I’ll help you and also with the poles for the beans and tomatoes and any holes you want dug, no matter how deep — really, right now I feel energized,” and she said, “I don’t need help. Planting, to me — any gardening work — is restful, peaceful, a great relaxing activity … even spiritual, which you’ll undoubtedly laugh at my saying,” and he said, “No, do you see me laughing? It probably is what you say; why shouldn’t it be? And I can understand it: hands in the ground and so on,” and she said, “And also, and I’m a little skeptical about what you just said, but also — the hands thing, and your agreeing so readily — maybe I want a break from you today and I’d think you’d want one by now from me too,” and he said, “I don’t, everything’s fine,” and she said, “What I’m saying is that all your previous talk about sex and so forth — not your friendly-enough talk now, which I think you’re hiding behind — makes me a bit wary of you. As if you’re going to get so keyed up you’ll pounce on me and try doing it even when I say I don’t want to, though with you believing that eventually, with enough encouragement, pushy kisses, and force, I would,” and he said, “You know I wouldn’t do that. To be honest and not hiding, as you said I just was, sure, I might think of ravishing you — you know, it’d quickly cross my mind — for I occasionally have these thoughts; what man doesn’t? But I never would to you or anyone, that force business, for I also have control — so never, believe me, never,” and she said, “Okay, we’ll talk tomorrow if you like, but now, what about it?” and he said, “You mean the bus?” and she just looked at him, and he said, “So I’ll take it. You ask, and with that glare, I’ll do it, for what other choice do I have, walk to New York? Even get you to drive me?” and she said, “You know the bus is easy for you, a half-hour ride and then the subway, and I wasn’t glaring,” and he said, “You say you weren’t, you weren’t, and as for the bus, very easy, very, yes, sure,” and headed for the stairs, and she said, “Okay, it’s a little inconvenient, I’m sorry,” and without turning around he said, “Forget it,” and went upstairs and packed his bag, got his typewriter and papers, for he always took them to her place weekends, came downstairs, and said, “Should I walk to the stop or will you drive me?” and she said, “I don’t want any last-minute scenes and I think we’ve said enough, so could you get there yourself? You have fifteen minutes to the next bus and it’s all downhill,” and he said, “I know what it is, I’ve walked it a few hundred times, up and down, up and down, like sex, right? those ups and downs,” and she said, “You’re being mean and a bit childish now — yes, like sex, back and forth, to and fro, high and low…. So maybe you don’t want to come here anymore; well, that’s okay with me,” and he said, “That’s what you think I said? All right, maybe I secretly did, maybe I don’t want to come here, maybe you’re right — I’ll let you know if that’s so. ‘Bye, honey,” and turned around without waiting for a response, if she was going to give one — he knew anyway that right now she thought he was a big pill and she couldn’t care less he was going — and left the house. He should have jerked off when he wanted to and had the chance, he thought, as he walked downhill. He wouldn’t have been so sexually keyed up when she got home, as she said. Every third word of his wouldn’t have been a dumb pun or reference or allusion to sex, and there wouldn’t have been that conversation about it either. And then after telling her about what he saw on the road, unless she said or indicated something regarding it or used it to make some point, that would have been it for the time being, and he wouldn’t have felt like jumping her, which he actually did think, and then later tonight in bed they could have done it — he still would have had the picture in his head of the way those kids did it and what that lip or flap looked like and the hair around it or could easily have called it up, if he had to — and it would have been all right, exciting, good; it would have been just fine.