Mo Yan - Frog

SUPERVISOR:Your cell phone, that’s what.

SECURITY GUARD:I promise I won’t use it again, sir. Okay?

SUPERVISOR:Shut up! Are you going to hand it over or aren’t you? If you don’t I’ll report you to the department head.

SECURITY GUARD:I’m involved in a romance, sir, and I need my cell phone.

SUPERVISOR:When your father was involved in a romance, he didn’t even have a telephone and he managed to win over your mother, didn’t he? Make it snappy!

SECURITY GUARD:( reluctantly hands over his cell phone ) I didn’t mean to laugh, but the message was just so funny.

SUPERVISOR:( plays with the phone ) I want to see just what it was that had you laughing so hard… ‘In an effort to produce a champion sprinter, the National Athletic Commission ordered a marriage between men’s hundred-metre-dash gold medallist Qian Bao and women’s distance gold medallist Jin Lu. When Jin Lu’s pregnancy had reached full term, she delivered a baby in the hospital. Qian Bao asked the doctor: Is it a boy or a girl? The doctor replied, I couldn’t tell. It ran off as soon as it was out.’ You laughed at that old joke? I’ve got a couple of good ones here. ( He takes out his cell phone, but before he starts reading, he realises what he’s doing and stuffs both phones into his pocket. ) Tonight’s the Mid-Autumn Festival. Department Head Liu said we have to double our vigilance on special holidays.

SECURITY GUARD:( sticks out his hand ) My phone!

SUPERVISOR:I’m keeping it for now. You can have it back when you’re off-duty.

SECURITY GUARD:( pleading ) This is a holiday, sir. Families are having happy reunions, enjoying moon cakes, setting off firecrackers, gazing at the full moon, falling in love, but not me. I’m stuck here like a pole, and you’re taking even the pleasure of exchanging text messages with my girlfriend from me.

SUPERVISOR:That’s enough. Stand your watch, keep your eyes and ears open, and stop all suspicious individuals at the gate.

SECURITY GUARD:Oh, come on. Don’t pay attention to Big Head’s nonsense. Who wants to come to a hospital on special days? Even crooks celebrate holidays.

SUPERVISOR:Stop clowning around! Is this some kind of game to you? ( lowers his voice secretively ) On New Year’s a terrorist gang entered the ( unintelligible ) Maternity Hospital and snatched eight babies as hostages…

SECURITY GUARD:( soberly ) Oh…

SUPERVISOR:( mysteriously ) Are you aware that a certain someone’s mistress is in the hospital to have a baby?

SECURITY GUARD:( cocks his ear to listen attentively )

SUPERVISOR:( softly, secretively ) Get it? Remember, a black Mercedes and a green BMW are his cars. Be sure to give them snappy salutes coming and going. No sloppy behaviour!

SECURITY GUARD:Yes, sir! ( reaches out ) Now can you give me back my cell phone?

SUPERVISOR:No, absolutely not! This is a special night. Not only is Boss Jin’s wife expecting to deliver, but Party Secretary Song’s daughter-in-law is due as well. A black Audi A- 6, licence 08858, keep your eyes open for it.

SECURITY GUARD:( unhappily ) Those pricks sure know how to pick the right day! My girlfriend told me that the moon tonight will be the brightest and roundest in the last fifty years. ( gazes into the sky ) When is the moon full? I ask with a glass in my hand. We toast the heavens with wine…

SUPERVISOR:( in a mocking tone ) Oh, please! If you’ve memorised everything from school, what are you doing as a security guard? ( suddenly alert ) What’s that?

Chen Mei, dressed in black, a black veil covering her face, enters carrying a tiny red sweater.

CHEN MEI:( swaying from side to side, as if drunk ) My baby… my baby… where are you? Mummy’s coming for you, where are you hiding?

SECURITY GUARD:Her again. She’s crazy.

SUPERVISOR:Go chase her away.

SECURITY GUARD:( stands up straight ) I cannot leave my post.

SUPERVISOR:I’m ordering you to chase her away.

SECURITY GUARD:I am a sentry.

SUPERVISOR:Your duty station extends to fifty metres on either side of the gate.

SECURITY GUARD:If anything suspicious occurs in the vicinity of the gate, the guard on duty is required to man his post and stop suspicious individuals from entering, then report immediately to his superior. ( He takes his walkie-talkie from his belt. ) Reporting, sir, a suspicious individual to the right of the main gate. Request backup.

SUPERVISOR:Damn you!

Stage lights focus on a spot in front of the signboard.

CHEN MEI:( points to the baby photos ) Baby, my baby, Mummy’s calling you. Can you hear me? Are you playing hide-and-seek with Mummy? Not letting her find you? Hurry, you naughty thing, you little angel, come out so Mummy can nurse you. If you don’t, a puppy will take Mummy’s milk from you… ( points to one of the photos ) You want my milk? No, you can’t have it. You’re not my baby. My baby has double-fold lids and big eyes. You’re squinting… you want my milk too? But you’re not my baby either. My baby has nice, apple red cheeks, but your face is sallow… you definitely aren’t mine, my baby is a boy, a pudgy little boy, but you’re a little girl, and girls aren’t worth anything. ( alertly ) Fifty thousand to bear a boy, only thirty thousand for a girl. You bastards, with your feudal preference for boys over girls, your mothers were girls, weren’t they? Your grandmothers… If everyone had boys and no girls, the world would end, wouldn’t it? All you high officials, you intellectuals, you great thinkers, how can you not know something as simple as that? What’s that, you say you’re my baby? You little rascal, the smell of my milk has you drooling, hasn’t it? ( sniffs ) You can’t fool me, you rascal, go dream someplace else. I’m telling all of you, you could cover my face with a blindfold, or you could put my baby in the middle of a thousand babies, and I could find him with my nose alone. Didn’t your mothers tell you that every baby has its own smell? If you’re hungry, go find your mummy. Oh, that’s right, you charmed children don’t call them ‘niang’, you call them ‘mama’ and you don’t say ‘nursing’, you say ‘drinking mother’s milk’. What’s that? Your mama has no milk? How can someone with no milk be a mama? All your talk about moving forward, to me it’s going backward, so far backward that children don’t have to arrive via the birth canal and breasts no longer have to produce milk. You people have turned your job over to cows and goats. Children who grow up on cow’s milk give off a bovine smell, and those who grow up on goat’s milk smell like them. Only children who grow up on mother’s milk have a human smell. If you think you can buy my milk, you have another thing coming, not if you came up with a mountain of gold. My milk is for my baby… hurry, come to Mummy. If you don’t, these children will take my milk from me. See how hungry they are, see all those open mouths? They’re hungry because their mamas sold their milk for cosmetics for their faces and perfume for their bodies. They are not good mamas. All they care about is showing themselves off. Their babies’ health means nothing to them… be a good little baby and come to Mummy…