H. Adler - The Wall

“Is it taking too long, or do you see that I’m limping?”

That wasn’t it. The young man smiled. I was walking fine, nor did we have too far to go, as it was close by in the Klemensgasse. It was already dusk when we arrived there. He pointed to a new building.

“Here she is.”

“What a way to talk about a person. You mean your sweetheart, but then you point to an entire building!”

I had said it sharply, with painful fervor, and I was conscious for the first time of an embarrassing transgression as the young man stood before me and grabbed hold of my hand hard.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said. “It was spoken to the wind — strangely, absurdly, no doubt awful and insulting to hear, but I swear to you, it wasn’t directed at you.”

“Well, then, at who?”

“At … at … excuse me, not at you, not at you and not at me, at no one at all. It just slipped out.”

“Frau Meisenbach is not my sweetheart.”

“I have to tell you, I had no idea. I meant no one at all, least of all you. It was just a dream. I also don’t want to burden you any further. It’s already late. The evening sky is red. I have to be moving on. Not to worry. I will write sometime and explain it all. I have your name and address. Goodbye.”

The young man didn’t let go of me. I didn’t have the strength to pull away.

“You still want to—”

“Certainly. But another time. I promise. But not now. Please, let me go! Someone is expecting me—”

Then I was overcome by a horrible weakness, only his clinging grasp of my wrist holding me up. I dangled from this grip, a helpless puppet, having also lost the ability to speak.

“You must come with me now. There’s an elevator. So you don’t have to stay in the street.”

The boyfriend realized that I couldn’t move on my own. He took me under the arm and dragged me through the front door to the elevator. He then pushed the call button and, rumbling melodically, the car descended from a higher floor.

“I really can’t do this as a stranger, and in this condition.… Please try to understand.… What will Frau Meisenbach think …?”

So I stammered on about not wanting to be an intrusion, but that made no impression, and in fact I had to give in, for I would have collapsed on the spot if I hadn’t entrusted myself to the care of my companion. Also, a glimmer of hope rose within me that I might find some kind of mercy, a haven, one that perhaps would manifest itself under the roof of a proper apartment building. Perhaps Frau Meisenbach would suggest that I stay for an hour or so and rest until they decided where I could spend the night.

With a rush of air the elevator arrived, and the boyfriend opened the door. I looked questioningly at him and hesitated once again, but it had been decided already. I was shoved forward, the outer door banged shut, the inner door was pulled close, it clanged, then it growled low and deep, the two of us rising continually upward. There was a mirror in the narrow car, but I closed my eyes. I think I slept on the way up, for I was aware of nothing. The door swung open wide as I opened my eyes with trepidation and gazed ahead, blinking into the milky light as if looking through dust.

“We’re there, Herr Lan—”

“Long …” No, don’t say the name! I was on my toes and quickly corrected him. “Long. No, it didn’t take all that long!”

I didn’t give myself away and got out of a pinch, though what my stupid sentence said was the opposite of what I felt, and that immediately helped. For the first time since I had gotten off the train, I was awake and clearheaded, my self-confidence rising. Things were now steady, the experiences lining themselves up in an observable pattern and displayed across from me, readable as a wall and clearly something that was independent of me, not tangled up with me, which even made clear that I was myself, without question a being in an allotted place amid certain surroundings. I braced myself in order to remain strong, my worries capable of being shoved away, but my legs betrayed me and I faltered. The elevator that rose through the stairwell was cold and only caused me to sense that a clammy heat oozed from my pores. I looked around, a shadow in front of me covering up the sight of the young man who had gotten me into the elevator or had wanted to do so without my knowing.

“You’ll send the elevator back down now, right? I can’t help thinking that it needs to be back down below soon.”

This I said because I heard it moving and was pleased that the narrow chamber, with its dangerous mirror, was moving away. The strangeness of my talk no longer surprised the young man, for he had gotten used to my foolish demeanor. If he at all regretted having picked me up off the street, there was nothing to be done. Now he was indeed obliged to take me to Frau Meisenbach. He approached a door and I followed slowly, the light flickering before my eyes. The boyfriend pressed three times quickly on the doorbell, which gave off a shrill sound.

“Three times so that she knows that it’s us.… I mean, you never know these days.”

The young man intentionally ignored my words and said nothing, standing in front of the door with a broad chest and blocking it. I stood two steps to the side. As things began to stir in the apartment, I looked meekly in the direction of another door. “Peter!” my companion called out, and the door opened right up as I strained to decipher the letters on a nameplate, as if I weren’t with my companion. Not wanting to surprise anyone, I waited patiently to see if I would be invited in.

“I brought someone along, Anna, who wants to speak with you.”

There where I stood, half in darkness, I couldn’t be seen at all well. Twisting around to look at Anna, who peered searchingly out the door, I recognized her immediately. It was Anna Seiler, now Frau Meisenbach, the younger sister of Arno Seiler, whom I went to school with. I stepped toward her and said hello.

“Perhaps you don’t know who I am. I’ve changed a lot, and it’s been a while, but once … How is your brother Arno? We went to school together.”

Anna’s gaze remained fixed; she gave no sign of recognition. Peter shook his head for reasons that remained unknown to me, perhaps out of anger, though I spoke to her again. The apartment appeared to consist of only one room, it being large, but also seeming narrow, because it was chock-full of furniture and bookshelves to the ceiling. I was offered a chair, which surprised me. Anna was dressed in black — in fact, all in black. Was she in mourning? It wasn’t at all clear, for it could be that she chose the dark material to set off her pale cheeks. Anna waited to hear what I had to say, Peter pacing back and forth in the room, the narrowness of the room forcing the chair to be leaned up against the wall. I was tempted to say how much his restless wandering bothered me, yet I kept quiet, since it didn’t appear to bother Anna. Discontented or embarrassed, I sat through this annoying back-and-forth through the narrow passage for a while, hoping futilely that Peter would finally come to a stop and say something. Yet there was no help coming from him, and I had nothing to say. How I had gotten here now seemed distant. I was only happy that I could rest, though I shuddered to think how I might save myself in the next hours. Anna made my situation no easier and seemed clueless. She stood there puzzled, looking concerned and becoming more and more serious, thoughts full of worry pressing at her countenance. Then I remembered that I hadn’t introduced myself. She had not recognized me at all and was wrestling with the reason for my visit. I owed her an explanation, but I didn’t want to divulge my name. Finally, I broke the silence.