H. Adler - The Wall

My ceaseless work proved too much for my health, as I found that it was so unsavory that I couldn’t expect too much of myself. At night I was usually exhausted, such that I couldn’t do anything else but rest, though I was never able to. Defeated, I sank into bed and immediately fell asleep, then woke much too soon and rose early without feeling refreshed. Later on in the fourth year of my arrival in these parts, when finished works still lay idle in my desk drawer or were sent back to me by experts or publishers, and then only after my having to write to inquire about them, my scholarly career — how strange that sounds! — not having ended, some acquaintances, who didn’t wish to say anything about my misery, did something behind my back. Somehow they pulled together the funds, which they made clear in conversation were guaranteed, that, if I would be willing to study languages or history at a university, could be used to help me get a position at a high school. The suggestion to develop such a plan, although I never found out for sure, seemed to have come from So-and-So. Perhaps I’m only imagining that out of mistrust, but I can’t help thinking that the point was to keep me from my scholarly work and thus eliminate me from the competition, while at the same time discharging any moral responsibility they might feel for me. The offer wasn’t made directly to me but fell upon Johanna — who had just been sick with the flu — they no doubt thinking that she would bring me around. She had to inform me that a circle of unnamed well-intentioned people were ready to supply me and my family with a small sum until the end of my studies, provided I would be ready to fulfill the binding conditions of the plan. Johanna presented me with this ultimatum shaken and with a sad face, while continuously saying she was sorry, though she didn’t expect me to capitulate, which it didn’t occur to me to do, either. “We have to stick together and hang on!” were her words. I thought about it, indeed, but after a night spent talking about it we knew that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do anything more, for things had gone too far; I was simply too weak, overwhelmed and overwrought. Johanna volunteered to convey my decision.

Only in the first weeks, when I was promised the heavens, would I have agreed to such a proposal. Back then, I discussed a similar plan with the Haarburgers in order to allow me to get an extension on my visa and a material foothold in the country, but the two of them laughed at me. If I only worried about the future, I would soon be easily distracted, for how could a man of my talents sell himself for chicken feed, that was just out of the question. I should not lose a single hair over it, the Haarburgers would always take care of me, even if I needed something to get me through. Dr. Haarburger pulled his checkbook from his pocket. I was touched by so much kindness and yet declined it with my thanks, since I still had some means at my disposal. Johanna, whom I asked if I’d done the right thing, agreed that one shouldn’t take any money unless he absolutely needed it. More than half a year later, after my disappointment with Kratzenstein and Singule, and yet before my horrible visit with the Saubermanns, I lightly raised the issue of my money worries with Dr. Haarburger, who responded as ever in a friendly and welcoming manner, but essentially the appeal fell on deaf ears. My suggestions were considered thoughtfully and just as much interest was shown for the advancement of my work. Haarburger thought my troubling conversation with Kratzenstein a real boon, his interest having been won for good, while an invitation to the regular meetings of the working group was no everyday honor, for the Professor would no doubt warm to me more and more, and he, after all, is the president of the society, all of it something that my friend Kauders would congratulate himself for if he were ever to make it that far. My doubt and anxiety were swept away. Haarburger was delighted that I now knew Frau Fixler, for she was a good soul, and Hannah should call her, no, better so Jolan. Anyway, Frau Fixler would take care of the Professor. Haarburger had already heard about the disappointment with Singule, which was certainly unfortunate but not disastrous, as support from the foundation just wasn’t that easy to get, especially given how his hands were tied, the matter of Latvia, sociology, so little time, and everything else. What didn’t work out today might well work out tomorrow. Had I sent in my application to Singule yet? I had not done so at all. Such a blunder, he complained, such a mistake. Hannah was beside herself: Do it immediately. What’s that, impediments? They don’t matter and, as for documents, pah, they’re nothing, it all can’t be done in one shot, but the main thing was that the application was there, and Jolan would be happy to write a professional opinion. Then I was fed splendidly and entertained by the couple, patted on the shoulder, and told not to be dismayed, for if I really didn’t know what to do, at least then I knew something. And so I left with empty hands and warm greetings for Johanna, though I didn’t feel at all disappointed.

Some weeks later, just after we had survived the terrible evening with the factory owners, I called the Haarburgers again. Frau Haarburger, with whom I spoke on the telephone, invited me over after some hesitation. When I arrived, she greeted me politely, yet was somewhat more reserved and cooler than before. Her husband was still busy; I had to make do with her in the meantime. We talked about this and that, the conversation moving forward in a wearisome manner, while Frau Haarburger kept talking about all the recent unexpected demands upon her husband, for I had no idea how many burdensome requests he was buried in, and that, in the end, one didn’t live on milk and honey and one’s wallet wasn’t bottomless. Now and then I had to thoughtfully agree, but, above all, I had decided to be relentlessly open about my situation. I didn’t want to be given anything; I was ready to exchange valuable goods as collateral against a loan. Finally, I seized the opportunity to put forward my request, but the words wouldn’t come out. Meanwhile, did I know that Herr Buxinger, the bookseller, was having problems with cash flow? No, I didn’t know that. Yes, indeed, Jolan had to put up a guarantee — one couldn’t leave an old friend to flounder — and he will pay back everything, for sure. Those are the kinds of difficulties that any businessman has to face, and Buxinger is capable and will soon work himself out of it, but as a result Jolan’s resources were somewhat reduced for a while. Again, I had to agree, and was about to lower the flag of my cause, but then Frau Haarburger gave me a sad and reproachful look.

“Tell me, I wasn’t happy to hear about the Saubermanns. What happened? Dear Ida Saubermann is beside herself. What kind of person are you? Such a good person, so ethical to the core! It makes me despair to think of her suffering it all!”

“Madam, there’s nothing I can do about it!”

“Oh, yes there is! There most certainly is!”

“I believe that in this case it’s not my fault. The lady attacked Johanna and me. I’ll spare you the details!”

“I wasn’t spared anything. She told me everything, everything. No pleasure in that at all. You were completely brutal, she said. Aren’t you ashamed?”

“No. Frau Saubermann was insulting.”

“Insulting! Do you know what she’s done for others? She’s torn herself apart on behalf of others. As true as I sit here before you. And this accusation from you! No, that can’t be! I won’t let anything be said against Ida Saubermann.”

“Madam, I’m not saying anything, either. It doesn’t really matter to me. But when you begin to talk about it, then I have to defend myself.”