H. Adler - The Wall

“Madam!”

“Be quiet, Herr Doctor! I remember exactly what I told you at the Haarburgers’. And you know as well that’s what I make of you. And now you’re looking for a handout, and that is what I predicted.”

“You cannot speak to me like that.”

“Be quiet! Here I am in my own house!”

“Yes, in your museum, madam, with the responsibility that comes to one who is morally free! You are indeed morally free, but, unfortunately, much too free of morals! I recall every part of your lovely speech, to the letter!”

“Arthur, for God’s sake be quiet!”

“Don’t get so excited, Doctor!” said the factory owner. “You’re as red as a lobster! You’re getting much too excited!”

“Unfortunately, it’s too late, Larry, too late for him to get upset. He wants to capitalize upon his misfortune. Just as I predicted! Irresponsible narcissism, egocentrism instead of refinement. It’s all about me! And everyone else should just circle around in adoration!”

“And not a trace of refinement!” I hissed in anger.

“I’m begging you, Arthur, don’t make a scene. The dear lady doesn’t mean anything terrible by it.”

“Whether terrible or not, we’re not beggars. No one has a right to insult us.”

“I can do what I wish in my house.”

“You certainly can, madam, and that’s why we’re leaving.”

“Arthur, wait! Everything can be explained!”

“Yes, please, my good man. Ida, what’s the meaning of this?”

“Let me explain, Larry. One needs to keep one’s dignity. The pure spirit of humanity that exists between these walls cannot be upset. That’s why the Herr Doctor has to be taken to task.”

“You’re too kind, madam.”

“Please, please, Arthur, don’t say a thing.”

“Larry, we have to do something! Decency demands it. And we cannot say, like the poet, ‘Grave companions, to the gallows!’ Especially when there is a child involved. Frau Johanna wants to string beads. Is there a spot for her?”

“It’s good work, Frau Johanna, and one can feed one’s husband—”

“What do you mean by ‘one’s husband,’ Herr Saubermann?”

“I only meant it in general terms. Don’t be so touchy! That’s fine, Frau Johanna, but it’s not really for your little fingers, such finicky work, and especially given your upbringing and background as a violinist!”

“That doesn’t matter to me, as long as I can earn something in my free time.”

“My dear child — I can call you that, for I did in fact know you when you were a golden girl — my dear child, what are you thinking! That’s not any kind of proper work for you. If I had to stand before your dear father and say to him, ‘Herr Doctor, your Johanna is threading artificial beads!’ he would turn over in his grave, and I would sink into the ground from shame!”

“Larry, I thought all of that as well and said the same to you already. But she needs it, everything depends on it! We have to!”

“Johanna doesn’t know what she’s in for, Ida, she doesn’t know what she’s asking for. Look here, child, it’s not what you think — namely, to just earn something in your free time. You have to work from morning till night. Otherwise, it’s not worth it.”

“She’s only looking for pocket money!”

“Ida, that’s not the kind of pocket money that’s right for her father’s only daughter! That’s ridiculous!”

“She can work some hours every day, Larry. I already explained it to her. In any case, do you have a free spot?”

“Nothing for at home, just whole days at the factory.”

“That I’m afraid I cannot do!”

“You see so for yourself, Frau Johanna. I’m terribly sorry, but I knew it.”

“Larry, do you really have nothing for her at home? I’m disappointed to hear it.”

“No, I swear there isn’t anything at all! We’re overstaffed. I can hardly justify holding on to the worst workers. The business just isn’t the same. Nice goods are becoming available again. I’ve told you so for months, Ida. We have to concentrate on better quality.”

Johanna was very pale. She whispered something, knowing what she wanted to say, but then she couldn’t speak. I looked at Frau Saubermann in anger, but she hardly stirred. I had remained standing the whole time and was waiting for the right moment when I could safely whisk Johanna away. She hadn’t touched the cup of black coffee in front of her, and I knew how much she loved coffee. So I motioned to her as subtly as possible, and she grabbed the cup and emptied it in one gulp. I could feel her keeping an eye on me, trying to smile, which helped appease my anger and gave me strength. I certainly didn’t want a new scene to occur, and even managed to pull myself together in order to thank both of the factory owners for a lovely evening as I drew closer to Johanna, first grabbing hold of her hand, then her arm, as she leaned on me and pulled herself up.

“I think it’s time for us to be going,” she said.

“As you wish, my dear child,” chirped the factory owner’s wife. “You saw how I did everything I could. You always know who you can turn to. Make sure to call me! Larry and I will not let you down, if things get even worse!”

“Hopefully, that won’t happen, Frau Saubermann.”

“Hopefully!” said the factory owner. “Hopefully! You really shouldn’t be disappointed. Maybe later you’ll thank me for seeming, only seeming, to be hard-hearted. And certainly make sure to call my wife, for she was speaking to me from the bottom of her heart. Come back soon, my dear little Johanna!”

The couple accompanied us to the foyer, me holding Johanna tight. We shook hands, and I hoped that we were free to go, but Frau Saubermann had other ideas.

“Larry, be so good as to talk to our dear friend Johanna for a quick moment! It won’t take long. I still have something quick to say to the Herr Doctor.”

I didn’t know how it happened, because I was in no way willing to leave Johanna for a second, but suddenly Frau Saubermann had spirited me away and pulled me into a corner. Here a bright traffic light blazed, one that I can still clearly see before me, a framed photograph of the factory owner’s wife bathed in honey yellow, the image the same forever and featuring a tense, toothy smile that neither a good nor a bad painter would ever have depicted but which, instead, had been captured by his lordship the camera bug.

“As an experienced, educated woman, it’s not much that I have to say. You have behaved like a scoundrel to Johanna. You are nothing but a common seducer, do you hear? I swear, if it weren’t for the child I would have no qualms about urging Johanna to leave you. You are not the man for her. You can expect nothing from us until you can show that you are willing to take care of your wife and child through honest work! The husband must support the wife if he wants to earn the right for her to also slave away. Are you a man? Say something! Can you swear to do what you must?”

I was silent and dully saw before me the wan, glowing face of the factory owner. I wanted to get past him, but he stood in my way in a lordly manner, whispering something to me that I couldn’t understand, after which I thrust a fist at the factory owner, not too hard, just enough to rock him a bit so that I could get past him and head for the exit. I didn’t bother casting a single glance at the man, who was talking sweetly to Johanna, but instead I grabbed hold of her and before we knew it we were both free of the place. We never again spoke of the factory owners. Johanna found other work to take in and could never forgive me for this disgraceful performance.

What Johanna took upon herself in order to make things easier for us she did because of her belief in my work and in my future success. I carelessly encouraged her. Indeed, some well-meaning people with a lot more love than suitable means supported us, but for one thing they had no power, or they didn’t understand what we were trying to do, or they misjudged, however well-intentioned, where it was all meant to lead. Hardly anyone really knew how to help, and hardly anyone was of real beneficial help, as no one was devoted enough or was only capable of keeping a friendly eye focused on me, the result being that my plans and projects were, in my own sense, failures. When it came to advice, criticism, or rebukes, no one held back, but instead lacked the ability to take me by the hand with tact. I was cheered on insincerely, and my talent was unfairly thwarted. My efforts went the way of the world and came to nothing. The further along I got in the writing of my main work, the more often I gained entrance to a new acquaintance who encouraged me anew. Plaudits would follow, new hopes then slipping in, such that the lack of practical help for Johanna and me seemed about to ease. I actually don’t know how I would have been able to maintain my outer composure if I had known, ahead of time, the continual failure I would experience in my first years in the metropolis; undoubtedly, I would have abandoned my studies, and my work would have remained no more than mere notes. Perhaps I should have hidden out in some office, as so many urged me to do, but that would have been difficult and would have been hard for me to take, or I could have given language lessons in private or applied for a post at a night school, or I could, as So-and-So and others urged, have begun a study that would have brought in money, or for which I was vaguely promised a stipend, or I should have taken some kind of job for which I was minimally suited, in order to keep myself afloat. But I refused to do any of this.