David Peace - Red or Dead

In the centre, asked Bill.

Yes, said the young lad. In the middle of defence …

And is that how you did it, asked Bill.

Yeah, said the young lad. I jumped for this ball. I went up for it. And this other lad, their lad. He come in. And he clattered me. And I fell dead funny. I lost my feet. And landed on my spine …

Bill nodded. And Bill said, Now you see, that tells me everything I need to know about you, son. You saw the ball. You saw their man. And you saw him coming. But you still jumped. You still went up for that ball. You did not hide. You did not shirk your job. You jumped. For the team, for your mates. And so you’ll do for me, son. You’re the kind of player I’d have in my team …

Really, said the young lad. Really, Bill?

Oh yes. Without a doubt, son. You’d be the first name on the team sheet for me. Without a doubt …

In his hospital bed. On his back. The young lad blinked. Blinked back tears. The young lad struggled. Struggled to say –

Thank you, Bill. Thank you …

Bill shook his head. And Bill said, Don’t thank me, son. At least, not with words. Don’t thank me. You just promise me you’ll keep your head up, son. And you’ll not get down. And you’ll just think about playing again, son. And not listening to them voices. Them voices that say you can’t, that say you won’t. When you hear them voices, you just stick your fingers in your ears, son. And you remember what we talked about. You remember our little chat, son.

I will, said the young lad. I will, Bill. I promise …

That’s great, son. That’s all I want to hear. Now I’m going to go and let you rest. But I’ll be back to see you before too long …

Thank you, said the young lad. Thank you, Bill.

Bill smiled again. Bill patted the young lad on his arm. And Bill walked away, back down the ward. And out of the hospital.

In the car park. The car park of the Alder Hey Children’s Hospital. In the car. Bill rubbed his eyes. Bill rubbed his face. In the car. Bill turned the key in the ignition. And Bill drove back home. Back home to Ness. Back home to his dinner. And in the house. In their kitchen. Bill ate his dinner with Ness. Their sausage and chips. Their tinned fruit and cream. And then Bill got up from the kitchen table. Bill picked up the plates. Bill walked over to the sink. Bill put the plates in the sink. Bill walked back over to the kitchen table. Bill picked up the salt and pepper pots. Bill put them in the cupboard. Bill walked back over to the table. Bill took the cloth off the table. Bill walked over to the back door. Bill opened the back door. Bill stepped outside. Bill stood on the step. Bill shook the cloth. Bill stepped back into the kitchen. Bill closed the door. Bill folded up the tablecloth. Bill put it in the drawer. Bill walked back over to the sink. Bill turned on the taps. Bill squeezed washing-up liquid into the sink. Bill turned off the taps. Bill picked up the scrubbing brush. Bill washed up the plates. Bill washed up the pans. Bill washed up the knives and forks. Bill put them on the draining board. Bill pulled out the plug. Bill dried his hands. Bill picked up the tea towel. Bill dried up the pans. Bill dried up the plates. Bill dried up the knives and forks. Bill put the pans in one cupboard. Bill put the plates in another. Bill put the knives and forks in the drawer. Bill walked back over to the sink. Bill picked up the dishcloth. Bill wiped down the draining board. Bill turned on the taps again. Bill rinsed the dishcloth under the taps. Bill turned off the taps. Bill squeezed the water out of the dishcloth. Bill put the dishcloth down next to the bottle of washing-up liquid. Bill turned around. Bill looked round the kitchen. Bill turned back to the sink. Bill bent down. Bill opened the cupboard under the sink. Bill took out the bucket from under the sink. Bill bent back down. Bill opened a box under the sink. Bill took out a Brillo pad from the box. Bill closed the cupboard door. Bill picked up the bucket. Bill put the bucket in the sink. Bill turned on the taps again. Bill filled the bucket half full. Bill turned off the taps. Bill took the bucket and the Brillo pad over to the cooker. Bill put down the bucket in front of the cooker. Bill opened the oven door. Bill looked inside. Bill could see the darkness. Bill could smell the fat. Bill knelt down on the kitchen floor. Bill unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt. Bill rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. Bill picked up the Brillo pad. Bill sank the Brillo pad into the bucket of water. Bill pulled the Brillo pad back up, out of the water. Bill squeezed the water from the Brillo pad. The wet, steel wool. Bill squeezed it tighter. Bill put his hand inside the oven. Into the darkness, into the fat. In the kitchen, on his knees. Bill began to scrub. On his knees. Bill began to scour. Bill began to clean. To clean, and to clean, and to clean.

In the house, in their front room. Ness had finished the crossword. Ness put down her pen. Ness put the book to one side. And Ness got up from her chair. Ness said goodnight to Bill. And Bill said goodnight to Ness. Bill kissed Ness on her cheek. And then Bill sat back down in his chair. And Bill stared at the television. The dark, silent television. And Bill stared at the curtains. The closed, drawn curtains. And in the front room, in his chair. Bill listened to the rain. The rain falling on the house. The rain falling on all the houses. And Bill listened to the wind. The wind blowing around the house. The wind blowing around all the houses. And Bill thought about the young lad again. Bill could not stop thinking about the young lad. The young lad on his back in the hospital bed. The young lad Bill wanted to help. The young lad who might never play football again. The young lad Bill wanted to help play football again. The young lad who might never play football again. The young lad Bill couldn’t help play football again. And in the front room, in his chair. In the night and in the silence. His sweater stuck to his shirt. His shirt stuck to his vest. His vest stuck to his skin. In the rain and in the wind. Bill put his hands together. Bill closed his eyes. And Bill said a prayer.

They came to the street. The street in West Derby, Liverpool. And they went up the drive. The drive to the house on Bellefield Avenue, West Derby. And they knocked on the door, they rang the doorbell. The doorbell to the house on Bellefield Avenue. And whatever Nessie Shankly was doing. Doing the housework, making the lunch. Nessie Shankly stopped what she was doing. And Nessie Shankly opened the door. The door to their home. And Nessie Shankly invited them into their home. Into their home to meet Bill Shankly. And whatever Bill Shankly was doing. Doing the gardening, answering letters. Bill Shankly stopped what he was doing. And Bill Shankly shook their hands. Bill Shankly thanked them for coming. And Bill Shankly welcomed them into their home. Bill Shankly invited them into their front room. Bill Shankly asked them to sit down. And Nessie Shankly made them a cup of tea. A nice cup of tea. And Nessie Shankly brought in some biscuits. On a plate, on a tray. With their tea. Their cups of tea. And Bill Shankly signed their autograph books. Bill Shankly signed their football programmes. Their memorabilia and their photographs. And if they did not have a photograph, Bill Shankly gave them a photograph from the pile of photographs. The pile of photographs Bill Shankly kept by the door. For the people who came to the street. The people who walked up their drive. And knocked on their door and rang their bell. All hours of the day, all days of the week. Bill Shankly smiled. And Bill Shankly answered their questions. Their questions about the season Liverpool Football Club were having, their questions about the seasons Liverpool Football Club had had –