Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

‘Carlo, Carlo!..’

‘Well?’

‘He kissed me, Modesta! Oh! help me, hold me tight. He kissed me on the mouth, just like you do.’

Impetuous Cavallina had not only opened the door without knocking, she who was always so discreet, but she had also turned on all the lights. Her usual pallor had turned all red, like when she had a fever. And though I held her arms firmly — I didn’t want her to embrace me — she managed to take hold of my head and assail me with countless small kisses. In no time, she has her arms around me and kisses my forehead, my mouth, my neck, as tears fall between us. From above, not letting go of my head — how is it that she’s so tall, taller than me? — she murmurs:

‘At first I was so surprised that I let him kiss me. Who would have imagined it from a young man as decent as Carlo? Would you have imagined it? But then right away, Modesta, believe me, I immediately sent him away, and I never want to see him again! Who could have imagined it? He kissed me just the way you do. Nonna was right, men are all the same!’

Argentovivo, wide-eyed with curiosity, was staring at us from the doorway, not daring to enter or close the door. She, too, was white as a sheet. ‘ So sensitive those females are, they blanch and blush at will and meanwhile, with their tears and fainting, they manipulate you like a puppet. ’ True, dear Mimmo, they’re taught to do that, as our dear comrade Bebel says. 46You have to have patience.

‘What is it, Argentovivo? Have you perhaps seen a ghost? What’s wrong? Speak up!’

‘Nothing, Princess, nothing. It’s just that the doctor went off in a rush.’

‘He probably had something he had to do.’

‘Oh, yes, of course. Such a proper gentleman, but the soufflé…’

‘To hell with the soufflé! Eat it yourselves in the kitchen. Now go!’

‘But what about dinner?’

‘Shut the door and go away! Don’t you see that Beatrice doesn’t feel well?’

‘But…’

‘No buts! We won’t dine this evening. It won’t kill anyone! We’re all fully grown and well nourished, Argentovivo. Would you shut the damned door and leave us in peace?’

‘Of course, Princess, of course. Forgive me.’

Look at her: another silly woman! All offended over her sagging soufflé. ‘I told you to leave us, or I’ll throw you out of the house!’

There! Finally, she smiles meekly and disappears behind the closed door. While my stomach of its own volition turns upside down, sniggering like an old drunk. No, it wasn’t my stomach. Cavallina, hugging me even tighter, was shaking with laughter, her face buried in my neck. Unpredictable Cavallina, who now seemed small again in my arms. How did she manage to look tall, then tiny at will? She was laughing so hard she seemed to be suffocating.

‘Now what’s so funny, hmm?’

‘I’m laughing because I was thinking about Argentovivo’s face when you were yelling. She looks so funny when she’s frightened. Her face gets round as an egg, and her mouth turns down. Oh God, she’s so funny! She looks like one of the faces that Eriprando is always drawing everywhere. At first I, too, was afraid of you, but then I realized that you’re just like Nonna Gaia, all bark and no … But you’re right to do that. You make them respect you; I don’t. And if it weren’t for you, that woman would even take the keys from my belt, and that would be that! She’d be all over the house, lording it over everyone even more than she does now.’

In fact, Cavallina kept the keys to the drawers and chests on a large gold ring that she wore at her waist, along with gold, silver and ivory trinkets to ward off the evil eye. There was a coral horn, a turbaned Moor’s head and a little ivory hand … or, no, the hand wasn’t ivory, it was silver. Just as her aunt, great-aunt and grandmother had done in earlier times. Her slender chest surged with pride when she wore that ring on her belt. The keys were the medals and decorations of an obscure war, the sign of her power over us all.

‘You’re heavy, Cavallina!’

‘Oh, how lovely, you called me Cavallina. How delightful; say it again. It’s been so long since you’ve called me that!’

How could she like the nickname that sounded to me like a curse?

‘Oh, Modesta, say it again, come on! It’s so sweet when you say it!’

‘All right, Cavallina, it’s just that you’re heavy, pressing on my chest like that, and I’m tired. Don’t tell me this little Cavallina has got it into her impetuous, obstinate little head to make me stand in the middle of the room all night!’

‘Will you let me sleep with you, Modesta? Oh, let me sleep with you. You haven’t wanted to for months. Tonight I’m so afraid, please!’

‘Afraid of what, Cavallina?’

‘Oh! Afraid of thinking about how Carlo disappointed me this evening.’

‘Disappointed you? How?’

‘I thought he was a sober young man! I can’t forget how brazen he was to kiss me. It was terrible, and I’m afraid! Let me sleep with you!’

‘All right. Get undressed and let’s get to bed. I really can’t stay on my feet any longer!’

She undressed swiftly. She reappeared wearing one of my nightgowns and cautiously slipped under the covers.

‘Can I hug you?’

Her head in the hollow between my neck and shoulder, her wispy hair brushing my chin, her hand resting on my breast … ‘ E si Beatrice nun voli durmiri coppa nno’ culu sa quantu n’ha aviri… ’ No, I mustn’t sing that lullaby. Her hand lay quietly on my breast, and not a tremor came from that cool palm. She wasn’t thirsty, and I was no longer her tata , but her sister. That was the way it should be. And as a sister, I had to talk to her.

‘Listen, Cavallina, about Carlo’s kiss, really…’ She didn’t answer. I looked at her in the lamp light: she was sleeping serenely, like Eriprando used to do after his six o’clock feeding. I turned off the light. This was how it should be.

* * *

A sharp cry of light vaulted across the ceiling. The sun was born, and in its radiance the bathroom tiles and brass fixtures gleamed with joy. But that sun lied and contrasted with the languor that spread from my belly up through my chest, arms and cheeks. I had to hurry. Soon that languor, with its mad will to live, would reach my head, and it would be useless to oppose it. I took a hot bath and got dressed to go out. I went back to the darkness that still lingered drowsily around Beatrice’s slender body as she lay curled up. She hadn’t moved, or just enough to hug the pillow. Was she sleeping?

‘No, Modesta. Oh, you’re already dressed? Come here beside me. It’s early. I’m so tired!’

‘It’s morning, Beatrice, and we were already in bed by nine.’

‘I’m hungry!’

‘I can believe it. Ring the bell; a nice breakfast will do us good.’

‘Oh, I can’t reach it; you do it, Modesta. I’m so tired!’

This was not the time to argue or make her obey. I was in a hurry. I had to go look for that doctor whom Gaia had once recommended to me, or else a different one.

‘Good morning, Princess. Oh, you’ve already opened the drapes! I’m sorry. If you had waited a moment I would have done it. I’m so sorry…’

‘Of course, Argentovivo, of course! Everything is fine, don’t worry. Leave the tray and go back downstairs. I said go. I’m in a hurry! Never mind the clothes. You can put them away later. I told you, I’m in a hurry, now go!’

‘As you wish, Princess.’

In the sun’s rays Beatrice’s hair shines with a hundred colours. She won’t raise her eyes.

‘There’s too much light, Modesta; it hurts my eyes. Oh, please, pull the drapes closed like they were before. Why did you have to open them like that? Why?’