Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

That whirling pirouette preceded by the fluttering white handkerchief mesmerized me like an equestrienne’s sequinned dress at the circus. As she poured it all out, I thought: shall I stop her? Give her a couple of slaps and send her back to where she came from? And Ippolito? What will I do about Ippolito? In fact, all in all she’s delightful and, in her own way, she’s fighting for her passionate will to exist just as I had done at one time. She wasn’t the coward I had thought. In her own way, dear Gaia, she knows she is essential to the running of this household and she has managed to silence us: checkmate! Plus, it takes a good deal of courage to make love with the ‘thing’! I wonder if I would have had the same courage back then!

One last cry and plop! I saw her topple over on the carpet. I knew she would faint; sooner or later it had to happen; it was customary. She hadn’t fallen too gracefully, but this allowed me to observe the shape of her legs — perfect — and her lovely, plump arms, whose slender wrists boasted skin as transparent as a child’s. On one of these wrists she wore a tiny, quite exquisite watch. I tried to lift her up, but she was too heavy. I didn’t know what to do. I had never found myself holding a ‘ signorina ’ who had fainted. ‘ If you should feel ill, signorina , look: just raise the armrest and you’ll find the salts. ’ Should I get the smelling salts? I didn’t have any. Maybe some cold water. Her shoulders and arms, which from a distance seemed like marble, in my own had an appealing softness. The Prince, my husband, had good taste! I had doubted — like you, for that matter — that the child was the ‘thing’’s and I had intended to verify it. But that pale little face, slumped against my arm, gave me the feeling that while this Inès indeed had a passionate will to survive, she did not have the courage to lie. I tried rousing her gently, but there was nothing for it. That soft, talcum-scented flesh attracted me, and had it not been for the authority I had to maintain with her and with the others, I would have pressed her to my breast and kissed every inch of her. Careful, Modesta! Helpless young ladies have always been a danger … I was about to lay her back down on the carpet again and summon Argentovivo, when that sweet little marzipan-lamb abruptly straightened up and, clinging to my neck, stared at me with confused, shining eyes.

‘No, no, Princess, don’t send me away! I was going to come and confess! I was going to come, I swear it!’

‘Of course, Inès, I’m sure you were. But now you must get up. You’re heavy, child … Up!’

‘But where am I? What happened? Oh God! Lying here in front of you with my legs all exposed!’

Indeed, the plump, firm legs also boasted slim, graceful ankles.

‘It’s nothing Inès, a momentary blackout. You were very upset.’

‘Upset, Princess? It was fear, Princess, fear and shame!’

‘All right, Inès. It was fear; whatever you say. But it’s over now. Compose yourself, go and lie down on your bed and…’

‘How kind you are, Princess!’

‘And think carefully about what you wish to do, because afterwards I don’t want any whining and tears, do you understand? If you want to keep this creature that’s throbbing inside you…’

‘Oh, yes! Princess, I do!’

‘But think it over carefully, because it’s the child of an idiot.’

‘The Prince is not truly an idiot, Princess; he’s kind and he understands a lot of things.’

Now she was offended: that pretty little chin turned up, with a stern, distant air. Simply criticizing the object of her love offended her.

‘Besides, Eriprando is healthy and intelligent.’

There, she’d silenced me again. Inside me, Gaia was snarling, so that I heard myself say, ‘All right, Inès. But we have to come to terms. With you women one never knows: patti chiari e inimicizia eterna , clear understandings breed eternal animosity!’

‘Did you say animosity, Princess?’

‘I meant friendship, Inès … So then, do you recall that Dr Civardi — now that Eriprando is beginning to take notice of the outside world — advised sending the Prince, his father, away, and concocting a white lie about his condition, since the Prince’s constant presence could upset the child’s peace of mind?’

‘Yes, I remember.’

‘Fine. Then the agreement between you and me is this: if this creature is born healthy…’

‘With God’s forgiveness!’

‘Of course, of course … If the baby is born healthy, you will give it to me, for its own good as well. A little brother or sister can only be good for Eriprando. If it’s born like the Prince, we’ll put it in some institution for retarded children or…’

‘What are you saying, Princess! I will never refuse the cross that God may give me to bear for my sin.’

‘We’ll see, Inès. Let’s not put the cart before the horse, as they say. We’ll see! Think it over tomorrow. And keep in mind that, child or no child, in a month you are going to live in the little house I showed you, which has finally become vacant.’

‘But it’s so far away!’

‘Far from here, but closer to Catania, Inès … Why don’t you go and see a film sometime, for heaven’s sake! Or buy yourself something nice, a book, whatever…’

‘A woman doesn’t go out alone!’

‘But there’s Argentovivo, another one who is walled up alive. 45You can go out together.’

‘But two women, Princess, is the same thing, if not worse.’

‘Oh, enough! Do as you please! Pietro will of course go with you and the Prince, but he will go back and forth since I may need him here more than the Prince does. The Prince is at peace, isn’t he?’

‘Oh, he’s a little angel! He no longer gives us any trouble.’

‘Fine then, if you don’t let your manias and dejection get the better of you as you’ve done this past hour … It’s been an hour, if not more! What was I saying? Oh, yes! I’ll talk to Attorney Santangelo about what we can afford. So that even if the Prince should die…’

‘Oh, God forbid!’

‘God forbid, all right! Stop it! I’m speaking for your own good, for heaven’s sake! And fix your neckline: your whole breast is showing. So then, whatever happens, happens: I, too, could die tomorrow … Hush! I’ll leave you a small annuity and the little house. Do you understand?’

‘Oh, Princess, how kind and generous you are.’

‘Hush now! That’s enough! Off with you! I’ve lost enough time with you as it is. They’re waiting for me downstairs and I still have to get dressed. No, stop. There’s no need to kiss my hand. Think it over, and give me your answer tomorrow.’

As she went contritely out the door, I could still feel the heat of those swollen lips on my hand. My husband had good taste, but I had my authority to maintain. The warm feeling that suffused me from head to toe when the door closed behind her made the nausea and vomiting disappear. The last time too, when I was pregnant with Eriprando, I felt attracted only to women. Could it be a kind of defence on the part of an organism weary of male humours and more in need of tenderness than a penetration that might disturb the formation of that little creature carried within it? In any case, that sweet warmth felt good. It would have been nice to stay there and recall that warmth, but I had to go down to dinner … I had to do it to keep Beatrice happy. I had had enough of womanish whining for one afternoon.

‘Help, Modesta, help!’

‘What is it, Beatrice? Dear God, what’s wrong? Has something terrible happened?’

‘Oh, no, I wish! I wish that were it!’

‘Then what is it, Beatrice? You’re white as a sheet. You’re scaring me to death. Say something! instead of bleating like a lamb.’