Su Tong - The Boat to Redemption

What could I tell her? Nothing. ‘Not today,’ I stammered. ‘Maybe next time. It’s getting late. My dad’s in poor health, so I have to go and get dinner ready for him.’

She uttered a gasp, probably reminded of my father and his famous genital mutilation. She clearly felt like laughing, but not wanting to embarrass me, she covered her mouth. When she saw what I was gazing at, she looked down and spotted the tuft of hair on her stocking. ‘Damn,’ she said, ‘no wonder I felt an itch. So that’s why you’re looking down there.’ With a stamp of her foot, the hair fell to the floor, then she looked up at me and, out of the blue, asked, ‘How are my surrogate parents? I asked Desheng’s wife to invite them to come and see me, but they never have. They must be unhappy with me.’

She had a cold side, but she also had her impulsive moments, and I could tell she wanted me to smooth things over for her with Sun Ximing and his wife. ‘Why would they be unhappy with you?’ I said. ‘They think a haircut here costs too much. They don’t part with their money easily.’

‘Costs too much? How much can a haircut cost at the People’s Barbershop? Go and tell them to bring the whole family. I’ll shampoo, cut, blow-dry and perm, and I won’t charge them anything. I’m here to serve the people.’

I told her I would, then went over to retrieve my bag from the corner, with a roomful of curious eyes on me. Their expressions varied, but you could hear the wheels turning in their heads. I had no idea what they were thinking, but Huixian’s display of friendliness towards me had upset them, especially the fellow in the checked sports shirt, who was sitting in one of the chairs. He stuck out his foot and kicked my bag. ‘What are you hiding in there, Kongpi?’ he said. ‘You bring it with you every time you come ashore. If I was in that security group, you can bet I’d want to search it.’

I glared at him and unzipped my bag. ‘You want to search it? Go ahead, I dare you.’

He gave it a quick glance, but before he could say another word, Little Chen nudged me on the shoulder. ‘Go on, get out of here,’ he said. ‘This is no place for you to be showing off. Don’t come back unless you need a haircut. This is a barbershop, not a public park.’

If he hadn’t been one of Huixian’s fellow barbers, I wouldn’t have stood for that kind of nasty treatment. I turned and walked to the door. Huixian came up and patted my bag. ‘You can’t blame people for being suspicious. Why do you have to bring a big bag like that with you when you come ashore?’ She squeezed it once, then a second time, a habit I knew well. Ever since she was a little girl she had been in the habit of squeezing people’s bags. Mine was obviously filled with cans and other stuff which was of no interest to her. She pulled her hand back, reached into the pocket of her smock and brought out a stick of chewing gum, which she handed to me. ‘Give this to Xiaofu for me, would you? He asked me for a stick of gum when we met on the street once. I told him I’d get one for him, and a promise is a promise.’

I tossed the gum into my bag.

‘How’s Yingtao doing? Thinking of getting married?’

She’d forgotten my name, but not Yingtao, her mortal enemy, and that really made me mad. ‘How should I know? Who cares if she’s getting married or not?’

‘I just asked. What are you so stressed about?’ Then, with a hint of mischief, she pointed at me and said, ‘I’m not trying to be your matchmaker or anything.’

Apparently, her animosity towards Yingtao hadn’t faded, and I waited to hear what she’d say next. I didn’t have long to wait. ‘When you get back, tell her to stop talking behind my back. I’m a nobody now, a barber, so there’s nothing for her to be envious about, and nothing to talk about.’

It was not a welcome assignment, and as I walked out of the barbershop, my mind was a welter of confused thoughts. After not seeing her for so long, I’d had a friendlier reception than I’d imagined. She seemed open and approachable, which gave me a warm feeling. But even more, I felt a sense of loss. How could she have forgotten my name? Or had it all been an act? Not finding an answer, my mood soured. She had asked me about everyone but me, and maybe all she could recall about me was that I was Kongpi. I walked quickly out on to the street, then turned for another look at the barbershop. The sunflower by the door had opened happily to greet the bright sun. What a great thing a sunflower is! As I stared at the flower, I could imagine Huixian wishfully planting a seed outside the barbershop door and watering it each morning. That made me feel better.

Now that I’d left the barbershop and Huixian, my imagination took hold, and my enthusiasm returned with a vengeance. I imagined a conversation with Huixian. She was interested in me. ‘How old are you, Ku Dongliang, twenty something? How come you’re still single? Can’t get a girl?’ What do I say to that? ‘Don’t look at me like you’re unworthy, like you’re seeing me through a crack in the door. I could get one if I wanted. Six-Fingers Wang’s oldest daughter could come into my cabin on her own, but I wouldn’t thump her. I don’t want to thump anybody, believe it or not. Didn’t you once say that Chunsheng’s little sister will change into a beauty when she’s eighteen? Well, she flirts with me day in and day out, but believe me, she’s wasting her time. I’m not one of those guys who’ll say anything to make himself look good. Have I ever lied to you? If you want to know, there’s a girl on shore who likes me too. You know Li Juhua, who runs the oil pump on the pier, don’t you? Well, the only thing that mars her good looks is that white patch of skin on her neck. I came ashore in the rain one day, and she offered me an umbrella without my having to ask for it. I don’t need to tell you why she did that, do I? Nor do I have to tell you what it meant when I turned her offer down.’ I imagined Huixian’s reaction to hearing this: ‘You have high standards,’ she’d say. ‘So what kind of girl do you like? Want me to introduce you to someone?’ How do I answer that? That’s my deepest, darkest secret, and I have to be prepared to reveal it. It would take considerable skill to do it right. I definitely wouldn’t say, ‘My standards aren’t all that high. Someone like you would do just fine.’ That would be humbling myself. And I definitely wouldn’t say, ‘I’m waiting for the right person. I won’t marry anybody but her.’ However veiled this comment might be, it could easily earn me a strong rebuff: ‘You’re waiting for the right person, but what if she’s not waiting for you? Wouldn’t you just be wasting your time?’ If forced to say something, the safest solution would be to hide my meaning behind code words, like I did in my diary: ‘The water gourd loves only the sunflower. The water gourd is waiting for the sunflower.’

Water gourd. Sunflower. I’m sure she forgot that agreement long ago. I can imagine the belly laugh with which she’d greet this explanation. ‘You’re weird, Ku Dongliang,’ she’d say. ‘That’s a stupid limerick, it doesn’t make sense, like a fart in the wind. A water gourd loves water, a sunflower loves the sun. Not only that, but a water gourd lives on the river, a sunflower lives on the shore, so how could they ever come together?’

I’d stand there and take her mockery. Would it anger me? Sure. But mainly it would break my heart, the sadness emanating from both my rational nature and my inferiority complex. Only a deranged water gourd would fall in love with a sunflower. A water gourd that waits for a sunflower has lost its grip on reality. For me, this was the final pipe dream of my youth. My ruminations concealed my timidity, my obstinacy obscured my despair. I, Ku Dongliang, was a twenty-six-year-old man of average intelligence, with a well-developed body, a decent appearance and a fiery libido, yet I lacked the courage to tell a girl I was waiting for her. Kongpi, Kongpi, Kongpi, Kongpi! My life was enshrouded by that nickname, and I needed no one to waken me from that dream of mine. I was alert to the fact that waiting was, for me, kongpi .