Naguib Mahfouz - The Mirage

The woman’s absence was a brief one, and before long she was back with a smile in her eyes. I was furious, not because she’d come back, but because of the pleasure I felt on account of it, and I thought to myself: She’s shameless, and I’ve never seen an uglier, more uncouth woman in my life! Even so, I went back to stealing glances at her, hoping she’d make herself at home and cross her legs again. I also went back to enjoying the way she aroused me with her looks and attention. Transported by her interest in me, I was ravenous for more. Was her attention anything but a response to my good looks and my slender build? In childish conceit I said to myself: Maybe she’s impressed with my green eyes, my fair complexion, and my towering height. Then all of a sudden there stole into my consciousness a voice that whispered to me sarcastically: And since when have your good looks done you any good? As the voice spoke I thought about my marital unhappiness, and it was as though a huge piece of ice had fallen on the flames of my enthusiasm. Suddenly I felt suffocated, my euphoria dwindled away, and instead I felt miserable and disillusioned. I put the balcony out of my mind and my thoughts went rushing toward the kindergarten. I wanted the truth to be revealed to me, however ugly or harsh it happened to be, so that I could settle the matter once and for all. And I hoped — if such a thing was bound to happen — to see the person who’d penned the letter meeting with Rabab and speaking to her today rather than tomorrow or the day after that. In fact, at that moment there was something else in my mind that’s hard to put into words. It was as though I hoped my suspicions would be confirmed. I’m not mistaken about this. This was the fact. Yet how can I explain it? Had my doubts and suspicions become such a burden to me that I wanted to be delivered from them even at this exorbitant price? Had I become so distressed over the strange inadequacy that had turned my marital life into a farce that I hoped to use my wife’s crime as an excuse to flee my life? Or was my overworked conscience looking for punishment and atonement? However, it was only a passing feeling, and just a moment later not a trace of it remained. Instead, a feeling of melancholy and resentment came over me. The woman left the balcony in response to a summons from inside the house and didn’t reappear. I waited for a long time, tossed to and fro by frightening thoughts and visions until another day of waiting had drawn to a close. As I had the day before, I saw Rabab coming toward the tram stop. There were no new developments, and we came home — she on the tram and I in the taxi. That evening she suggested that we go to the Cinema Royale together. I agreed to the idea without hesitation, and out we went.

On the morning of the third day, the taxi took me to the same destination. On the way I remembered the strange woman, and in my mind’s eye I could see her with her homely face and her fleshy, squat body. However, I wasn’t remembering her for the first time that morning. The thought of her had come to me while I was at home grooming myself in front of the mirror, a fact that had moved me to take extra care in combing my hair and putting on my necktie. As I did so I felt ashamed, guilty, and anxious. However, I cast the blame for my predicament on Rabab, whose bad behavior was what had driven me to this ridiculous spying operation.

Could I really say I hoped she wouldn’t appear on the balcony? Could I bear the day’s long wait without her presence and her delightful effrontery? I took my regular seat in the coffee shop and was approached by the waiter, who was clad in a faded robe, worn-out sandals, and a skullcap that was cocked toward the back of his head in such a way as to reveal a stiff tuft of hair. He greeted me in a way that may have been reserved for regular customers, and I ordered coffee that I proceeded to sip with loathing and disgust. Meanwhile, I wondered to myself resentfully what on earth could come of this loathsome espionage. Wouldn’t it better for me to desist from what I’d taken upon myself based on an unfair verdict and unfounded suspicion? After all, my wife had now spent two entire days under my watchful eye. Had I seen anything that would give me cause to distrust her? Had I observed any sort of annoyance or discontentment? Wasn’t she, as I’d always known her to be, the embodiment of serenity, warmth, and happiness? Such thoughts brought with them a sense of assurance and relief. More time passed, and before long I was weary and bored. I looked at my watch, thinking: Shall I inquire of it about the time that’s passed, or ask it when the window is going to open? At any rate, the window did open and the woman appeared with her usual coarseness and gaudy adornment. When she saw me her eyes bulged out in disbelief and she raised her penciled eyebrows as if to say: You’re still there? She looked down to conceal a smile, and my heart fluttered with joy. Then I began feeling ashamed of myself again, so I began telling my conscience that I wasn’t looking to do anything wrong, and that someone in my circumstances had the right to feel happy if he received attention from a woman. Indeed, I was innocent, I reminded myself. I’d come to this coffee shop with a purpose that had nothing to do with this woman, and in a few more days I’d be abandoning the entire neighborhood forever, never to bring her to mind again. As for the woman, she disappeared from the window, opened the balcony, came out with her chair and sat down in the corner facing me, her eyes smiling like those of someone who needs no further introduction. By now I’d become more able to endure the situation. However, I still pretended to be looking at the main street while looking furtively now and then at her compact, sturdy legs through the iron bars of the balcony. I hadn’t gotten over my awkwardness. In fact, it may even have increased in response to the way her eyes twinkled whenever they met mine. What an audacious woman! She could do whatever she pleased without fear. As for me, I had no choice but to avert my gaze. And I wondered: Has it occurred to her that I’m married? And that I only came to this coffee shop in order to catch my wife red-handed in the act of betraying me? Would she go on being interested in me if she knew all this? The questions I’d posed to myself left me feeling pained and humiliated. I began wondering to myself: Who is she? Is she married, or a widow? What does she want? Then I happened to lean my left elbow on the table and rest my chin on the back of my hand. And what should she do but lean her left elbow on the edge of the balcony and rest her chin on her hand with a playful look on her face. I was so embarrassed by her teasing, I couldn’t see a thing for a moment, and my heart started pounding so hard, it was ringing in my ears. She was flirting with me openly now. I felt as though “manliness” required that I overcome my inertia, but I didn’t make a single move. In fact I was so flustered, I was in a pitiful state. I removed my left arm from the table and folded my arms over my chest, and in no time she had withdrawn her arm from the edge of the balcony and folded her arms over her chest, her grin broader than ever. I smiled in spite of myself as I looked down, feeling indescribably self-conscious. However, smiling released some of my pent-up anxiety, and I relaxed a bit. I was even able to experience again some of the happiness I had seen. I was acutely aware of the age difference between us, and it felt good. I wished I could go back to being twenty years old or younger. Lord! I was falling for her hook, line, and sinker! But I didn’t care about anything anymore. Just then I glanced down toward Kamal Street, and at the corner, I happened to see the outline of a woman turning left. However, she disappeared from view because the coffee shop wall had come between us. Thinking I’d seen a lead-gray coat like Rabab’s, my heart started beating so wildly, it nearly came out of my chest. What would have caused her to leave the school at this time? What would have made her turn left when she would need to turn right to go to the tram stop, assuming she had some legitimate reason to come home? I jumped to my feet and went racing down to the main street, throwing caution to the wind. I looked in the direction the lady with the lead-gray coat had gone, only to find a fifty-year-old woman rushing down the sidewalk. I sighed deeply and, as I did whenever I escaped from a predicament, murmured, “I seek refuge in God from the accursed Satan!” Then I went back to where I’d been sitting in a state of near exhaustion. Never in my life will I forget the panic I went into that day. And if this was the state I was in when nothing had happened, what state would I have been in if my fears had been realized? I looked up at the balcony and saw the woman staring, bewildered, into my face. Her eyes seemed to be asking what had come over me. As for me, I broke into a smile. I’d been so upset that I forgot my shyness, and I smiled. So now we weren’t hiding our smiles anymore. Nor were we hiding the silent conversation between us, which expressed itself sometimes with the eyes and other times with the eyebrows. Nor was the infernal sensation I was experiencing a secret to me any longer. If what I was feeling had been love, I would have been gripped with fear and anticipated the consequences. However, it seemed perfectly clear to me, so I didn’t lose my confidence. I sat there for over an hour receiving this flirtation silently, bashfully, and with an amazing erotic satisfaction. Then the woman got up and stretched, and as she did so, her robe parted to reveal a succulent, swelling bosom that threatened to make her translucent pink blouse burst at the seams. She cast me a friendly parting glance, then winked before disappearing behind the door. She’d left me in a blazing inferno whose flames consumed the remaining hours of my wait. When her workday was over, Rabab left the school and headed as usual for the tram stop, then we came home, each of us in our own way. That evening we didn’t go out, since Radiya and her husband came to visit us and we had an enjoyable family gathering.