Naguib Mahfouz: The Mirage

But where was I to find such happiness? And on what basis could I hold out such false hopes? I hadn’t been made for any of this. Rather, I’d been made for Sufism. It was strange to find this word inadvertently coming to mind. Yet it wasn’t long before I’d taken hold of it, albeit with astonishment and uncertainty. Sufism? I wasn’t even sure exactly what it was. However, I did know that it involved solitude, abstention, and contemplation. And how badly I needed those things. Strange … hadn’t I complained of too much solitude throughout the time I’d been bedridden? The fact of the matter, however, is that I hadn’t been complaining about the kind of solitude I’d been accustomed to throughout my life. Rather, the kind of solitude I was suffering from most recently was the forlorn sort of loneliness that had been left by the loss of my mother. As for the solitude I’d been familiar with before, I craved it badly. First of all, though, I would have to cleanse my body both inside and out, then devote my heart to heaven. For in reality, I’d been created a Sufi, but life’s desires and attachments had led me astray. I imagined myself in an extraordinary state of purity, my body being bathed in fragrant water and my spirit being lifted up, transparent and serene, with my sights set on nothing but heaven, and no thought springing up in my soul but the thought of God. These were the nightingales of paradise singing their sweet melodies in my ears, and this was the stillness of peace coming to rest in my heart. My imagination had been active in the past, but it had often been traitorous. It would lift me up to that plane only to abandon me without warning, and I would find myself plummeting from the heights, then returning once more to my old anxiety and chronic fear.

* * *

One morning during the final phase of my recovery, the elderly servant came and said to me, “A lady is here who would like to see you, and I’ve let her into the reception room.”

Looking up at her in astonishment, I asked, “Don’t you know her?”

She replied with a shake of the head, “I’ve never seen her before, sir.”

A certain apparition flashed through my mind, causing my feeble heart to tremble until it was pounding so hard that I became short of breath. Lord, might it really be her? Had she found the courage to storm the house? And hadn’t she taken thought for the consequences?

Looking at the servant hesitantly, I murmured, “Invite her into my room.”

I scrutinized myself in the mirror, then picked up a comb and hurriedly ran it through my hair. Feeling terribly self-conscious, I looked toward the door, wondering: Will my suspicion be confirmed? How could she have vanished from my memory all this time, as though she lived only in the healthy blood that had dried up? Then I heard footsteps approaching, and the visitor’s face looked in at me with a smile of longing and compassion.

When I saw her, I exclaimed in what sounded like a cry for help, my voice betraying the emotion that had welled up in my heart, “You!”

djinn : Invisible beings, either harmful or helpful, that influence the lives of human beings.

Eid al-Adha : “The Holiday of Sacrifice,” Eid al-Adha is the holiday on which Muslims celebrate the time when God had commanded Abraham to sacrifice his son Ishmael and found him willing to obey His command. God ransomed the boy with a ram that appeared miraculously in a nearby bush.

Eid al-Fitr : Literally, “the Holiday of Fast-breaking,” Eid al-Fitr is the three-day holiday that follows the Muslim fasting month of Ramadan.

Fatiha : The Fatiha is the opening sura (chapter) of the Qur’an.

fuul : A dish made of cooked fava beans seasoned with salt and cumin.

al-gadeed : A children’s game of chance.

magzub : Literally, “drawn, captivated, charmed,” a magzub is a Muslim mystic who has been so fully taken up into the presence of the divine that he appears as a madman; he is in the world but not of it.

Munira al-Mahdiya : Born Zakiya Hassan Mansur (1885–1965), Munira al-Mahdiya rose to fame for her musical and theatrical abilities and enjoyed an illustrious singing career that spanned three decades. She founded a coffee shop in the Azbakiya area of Cairo called Nuzhat al-Nufus, which became a meeting place for politicians and men of letters from Egypt, Sudan, and the Levant, who would also meet to discuss their ideas in her home.

Sayyida Zaynab’s shrine : This shrine, housed within a mosque, is devoted to the memory of Sayyida Zaynab, patron saint of Cairo, who was the granddaughter of the Prophet Muhammad (the daughter of Ali ibn Abi Talib and Fatima, the Prophet’s daughter).

“… that’s Lazughli’s grandson” : Lazughli Pasha was the minister of finance under Muhammad Ali in the late eighteenth century. His real name was Muhammad Laz; the affix ughli , which means “pasha,” was then added as a title of respect. There is a square in Cairo named Lazughli Square, in the center of which stands a statue of Lazughli Pasha.

Throne Verse : Qur’an 2:255, the recitation of which is believed by Muslims to bring protection and peace of mind.

Umm Hashim : “Umm Hashim” is an epithet of Sayyida Zaynab.

Umm Kulthum : Born Umm Kulthum Ebrahim Elbeltagi in 1904 in Egypt, Umm Kulthum was a renowned singer, songwriter, and actress widely known for her exceptional voice and the sustained, powerful emotional connection she would make with her audiences. Her phenomenal vocal strength and the length of her songs may be seen in the fact that, at the height of her career, her concerts would consist of the performance of two or three songs over a period of three to six hours. Umm Kulthum died in Cairo in 1975, and three decades after her death, she is recognized as one of the Arab world’s most distinguished vocal artists.