Naguib Mahfouz - The Mirage

He raised his glass with a chuckle, saying, “To your future! Well done! Our family is an illustrious one, but we haven’t had a single government employee. So you’re the one blazing a path for us into government circles!”

Feeling cornered, I said wearily, “I’m just a petty employee, and I don’t get a salary worth mentioning.”

He shot me a wary look from beneath his gray eyebrows, then said indifferently, “Don’t worry. A child always grows up. The wisdom of the world decrees that children grow up and that adults turn back into children. It seems that God created a single limited fortune that neither increases nor decreases. However, people’s shares in it may change. Otherwise, everyone would get rich. So be patient, son, and don’t busy yourself thinking about money. Thinking about money is a perilous thing that was nearly the death of me once. I find it amazing that people love money the way they do. At present I’m not a lover of money. The only thing I love is liquor. If everyone loved liquor the way I do and made light of money, the world’s problems could be solved with a single word. Imagine with me a happy town. They divide it down the middle, then build houses on the right, pubs on the left, and government buildings in the center. And people’s sole duty is to drink. Now that’s a town that lives and lets live. Won’t you have some, son? No? So what vices have you taken up? A man’s true value consists in the evil he does. Suppose I died tomorrow and hadn’t been a drunkard. What might people say about me? Nothing! However, being what I am, they’re sure to say, ‘He was a drunkard!’ In fact, even if I gave this money of mine away in charity, no one would say a word about me. People forget good things quickly, even if they’re the ones who did them. The only thing that immortalizes you is evil. What do you say?”

Having no choice but to reply, I said, “We should fear God and obey Him.”

He affirmed what I’d said with a feeble-looking nod of his round head.

“Right you are!” he continued. “That’s the secret of existence. However, if what they say about God is really true, we’re all in for a black fate! Even so, I have great confidence and assurance. I only feel otherwise if I get indigestion, and when that happens, the whole world looks cold and dismal. In any case, I don’t believe God torments His servants. How can I believe that a great God, glory be to Him, would burn a creature like me in hell just because he loved liquor! Don’t you like what I’m saying? You’ve come to keep me company, yet I can see the boredom in your face. What do you suppose caused you to remember your father now after forgetting him for a lifetime?”

My heart was beating wildly and I couldn’t bear to keep quiet any longer. It may not have been prudent of me to broach my topic after that particular question. However, I said unthinkingly, “I find myself in hard straits, and if bad circumstances were what separated us, you’re still my father in spite of those circumstances.”

He burst out laughing, and for the second time I hated the way he looked. Then, in that crazed tone of his that robbed his hearer of all confidence in what he was saying, he continued, “You’re right. This whiskey contains a precious wisdom. Like the world, it’s bitter. However, the wise man is the one who gets used to it and cultivates a taste for it, just as wise men grow accustomed to the world and cultivate a taste for it. Woe to those who shrink from its bitterness, since they won’t be able to endure life. As I said, son, you’re right. By God, I’m pleased by your tact and the fine way you’ve prefaced what you have to say. You’ve boycotted me willingly for thirty years or nearly that, so don’t call me to account for my mistakes, since drunkards put no store by such reckonings. After all, one plus one doesn’t necessary equal two. One may be equal to ten. As I said, you stay away from me a lifetime, then you come to me apologizing with polite words. In any case, I accept the excuse. And why shouldn’t I? The fact is that I don’t regret people’s staying away from me. As for the straits you’re complaining of, they’re very important to me. Whatever distresses my son, distresses me. So, what do you mean, son?”

Something in me told me to leave, since I couldn’t see any benefit in his delirious ranting. But I rejected the idea angrily. After all, it pained me to think of turning on my heels after having come this far. So I gathered my strength, exerting a greater effort than I could usually endure to keep my timidity and nervousness at bay.

Then I said softly, “I want to get married.”

In response, the drunk man resumed his odious guffawing. Then he said in astonishment, “Why doesn’t our family ever get over this pernicious malady? Your sister was on pins and needles for me to choose a husband for her the way I ought to. Then she ran off with a strange man and married him. And that brother of yours had hardly started to sprout whiskers when he found himself in his bride’s arms. I’m not trying to justify myself, since I tried to be a husband once, twice, and a third time. What a strange family! Maybe you need money in order for this marriage you want to come about? I wouldn’t rule it out, since marriage, even if it is a malady as I’ve said, is something we spend huge sums on. This alone is sufficient evidence of human beings’ madness. And maybe you’ve put yourself through the disagreeable experience of seeing me in order to ask me for money that you can use to tie the knot. I don’t think it unlikely. But where will I get the money you’re asking for? Have people told you that I’m rich and prosperous? I don’t deny that I have a monthly income of forty pounds in addition to the rent I get from the second floor of the house. However, don’t lose sight of my expenses. Take the cook, for example, who robs me of twenty pounds a month. If it occurs to me to check up on him, he makes my head spin with a long bill that I can’t make heads or tails of. Then there’s liquor, too, of which I need two bottles a day, and that comes to more than fifteen pounds a month. What’s left after all that is just barely enough to pay for other necessities such as clothes, cigarettes, salaries for the gatekeeper and the servant, and fare for the carriage that takes me down some nearby streets when I get tired of staying at home. I’ve got nothing in the bank. In fact, I treat my indigestion with folk remedies. Don’t ask me for money, son. God knows I say this to my regret. Why don’t you follow your brother’s example and marry without having to pay a cent? And if you really want my advice, don’t get married at all!”

As he glanced over at me with his drifting eyes, he looked repulsive and detestable. He got out his pack of cigarettes, took one out and lit it, then began smoking it with relish. He began watching the cigarette smoke with his lackluster eyes, and it seemed as though he’d forgotten me. Then it occurred to me that he was deliberately tormenting me. I was filled with bitterness and anger, but I sat there motionless, all the while feeling more and more desperate and disappointed.

A long silence ensued, during which he turned toward me and cast me a vacuous look. Then his broad mouth broke into a smile.

“Won’t you have a smoke?” he asked.

“No,” I replied.

We fell silent again. Wouldn’t it be best for me to go? I wondered. And indeed, I would have jumped up to leave if it hadn’t been for something unexpected that happened just then. As I gazed at him in bewilderment and alarm, a look of fatigue came over him, his forehead began dripping with perspiration, and his eyes roamed the place as though they didn’t see a thing. I saw a nervous twitch to the right side of his mouth, after which his right eye teared up. I expected something frightening to happen, the nature of which I couldn’t identify. However, the condition passed quickly. His face relaxed and his eyes recovered the negligible bit of life that generally appeared in them. Then he looked my way again. The vague fear I’d felt left me, only to be replaced by a return of the desperation, disappointment, and hatred I’d been feeling before. I pondered with incredulity the reality before my eyes, namely, that this man was my father, the man who had brought me into the world. This called to mind other, related, realities that appeared to me in concrete images which caused me pain and grief. I hurt so much, I was in a near-daze for a while. Then, unaware of myself, I heaved an audible sigh.