Martin Amis - Lionel Asbo

The Cloud, the Web: it was the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge — the Knowledge of Good and Evil. It was the modern Fall. And there was no going back.

You’re doing that funny face again , he said during his next session with Alektra.

What funny face?

Like you’re looking in a mirror. Or at a camera … Ow. That hurts .

Chanel was the same — and Joslinne, and Jade. What did you expect? They had started learning about the birds and the bees (in high definition) when they were three.

… Why’re you always spitting and saying how nasty you are?

Boys expect it .

He said, Not me. You see, love, I’m a romantic. It’s just the way I’m made .

And it was all so very different with Grace.

That first time, when she was giving him the funny looks, he was paralysed by the unreality of it all, what with the Dubonnets — and then the babydoll! Come over here, handsome, and give us a cuddle . This was the unalterable premise: he couldn’t hurt her, he couldn’t spurn her, it wasn’t in him, it wasn’t the way he was made. So he walked across the room. And what a long walk that was — fifteen feet, across the granny flat, from grace to Grace. He walked across the room because of the clear impossibility of doing otherwise, and entered the heedless world of the deaf. Then he lay back and succumbed to an experiment — an experiment in gentleness. And the texture of her flesh to the touch, with that strange give in it, and the depth of all that lived life, now brought languidly to bear on him and his body.

Oh, you’re so beautiful, Desi my dearest. It hurts my heart you’re so beautiful .

And his heart, in its turn, flared up on him, like an inner climax running through his chest to his throat. He kissed her neck. She touched his brow. On the table was a jar of strawberry jam with a spoon in it. The stereo, with its tiny but furious red eye, was playing ‘If I Fell’.

That was in March, and now it was April. It was April, with its drip drip drip …

‘Des, there’s something I never told you.’

They were getting dressed. It was all behind them for the moment — the soundproofed laboratory of sin.

‘What’s that, Gran? Sorry. What’s that, Grace?’

‘Remember — remember when I used to have gentlemen friends? Remember Toby?’

‘Toby. I remember. And Kevin.’

‘And Kevin. Guess why I stopped.’

‘Why?’

‘Because of Lionel … Remember the summer your grandad died?’

Dominic Oldman was out fishing with his boy Mark (the one child of his twelve-year marriage to a pharmacist named Eileen). And suddenly nature became too big and too loud, and Mark slipped down the bank and into the headstrong River Avon, and Dominic went in after him. Only Mark came back — only Mark came back from under the thick nets of the mists.

‘They let Lionel out of Yoi for the cremation. You were there, Des. After it was over, he sees me home, he comes in here, and he takes the Bible down from the shelf. And he jams my hand on it and makes me swear. No more of your bleeding geezers, Mum , he says. No more of your nonsense, woman. You’re past it anyway. It’s all over .’

Des pictured himself — that day in Golders Green, wearing white shirt, blue tie, black longs. He was ten. Gran would have been thirty-four.

‘And he scared me. He really did.’ She held her wrist and rotated it. ‘Time goes by and Toby pops in for a cup of tea. He’s been here half an hour and the doorbell rings. Lionel. He drags poor Toby out by his hair and gives him a right mauling there on the steps. For a cup of tea! Ooh. Mean Mr Mustard. See, he’s got spies … Don’t look so stricken, Des! It’s all right with you — you’re in and out all the time anyway. And I’m your gran.’

She gave her strange new spiralling laugh, reached for the crossword, and sat down with a bounce on the windowside armchair.

‘Eight letters … It’s an anagram. Got it. Features .’

‘Yeah? What’s the clue?’

‘Mug smashed after use.’

As he walked through the spangles of an April shower (he was going to the sub-post office for an envelope and a first-class stamp), Des was thinking of things his mother told him — about Lionel as a child.

The nickname Mean Mr Mustard was derived from the Beatles song, and referred not just to Lionel’s spite but also to his stinginess ( Sleeps in a hole in the road … Keeps a ten-bob note up his nose. Such a mean old man ). He earned the nickname during his toddler period — he was an implacable hoarder and non-sharer. If any of the brothers played with his toys (even when he wasn’t there), they lived to wish they hadn’t. John, Paul, George, Ringo and Stuart were all very afraid of their little brother. John, who was then aged seven, told Cilla, who was then aged eight, that he was very afraid of Lionel, who was then aged two.

Last thing at night little Lionel would seal the lid of his toybox with a moistened strand of hair plucked from his own scalp. So he could tell if anyone took a liberty while he was asleep … Then he made his enquiries (it was nearly always Ringo); and the next time Ringo was asleep, Lionel would steal up on him wielding his heaviest Transformer.

He was served his first Restraining Directive when he was three. Three years and two days: a national record (though disputed by other claimants). This was for smashing car windscreens with paving stones; the authorities also noted his habit, when out shopping with his mother, of booting over display pyramids of bottles and tin cans; a childish interest in cruelty to animals was perhaps only to be expected, but Lionel went further, and one night made a serious attempt to torch a pet shop. Had he come along half a generation later, Lionel’s first Restraining Directive would have been called a BASBO, or Baby ASBO … ASBO, which (as all the kingdom now knew) stood for Anti-Social Behaviour Order.

What was the matter with him? Why did he work at being stupid? I mean (thought Des), if you spend about a third of your waking life in court, isn’t it a bit bloody daft to change your name, by deed poll, on your eighteenth birthday, from Lionel Pepperdine to Lionel Asbo? All his uncle would say was that Pepperdine’s a crap name anyhow. And Asbo has a nice ring to it . This was literally the case: Lionel would flaunt his electronic loop (it looked like an ankle strap with a battery attached), even as he took the stand at the Old Bailey ( Ah yes. Mr … ‘Asbo’. Mr Asbo, this is not the first time you have … ). You could only do that if you gave being stupid a lot of very intelligent thought.

Dear Daphne , wrote Desmond in the Library Reading Room.

I’m a young Liverpudlian (15) and I’m having an affair with my grandmother. Obviously, it’s not an ideal situation. We both live in Kensington, which sounds posh but is in fact the poorest area in the city (we call it ‘Kenny’). I’m on a charity trip to London to watch ‘the Reds’ play West Ham, which explains the postmark .

Could you fill me in on the legal side of it? This is worrying me to distraction. And when that point is cleared up, I’ll write again (if that’s alright) about my uncle and the other problem I face. You see, Daphne, I’m very confused .

Maybe I should come clean about living in Diston, he thought. Then she’d understand. I mean it’s a different demographic … Des shrugged. No, it was okay. ‘Kenny’ must surely be almost as bad.

A chat on one of your HelpLines might be a good idea. And do you have any pamphlets you think I should read?