Martin Amis - Lionel Asbo

‘Give him a drop of water, Des — after he’s done. Just a cupful, mind,’ said Lionel as he took his leave.

Jek was still sobbing with heartburn when (so to speak) the Pepperdines invited him in. He hesitated — and cowered at first as Dawn leaned down to give his back a stroke. They gave him water and, far more efficaciously, two saucers of milk; and pretty soon he was belly-up on the sofa, as if inanely and joyously submitting to some childish sexual charade — to some childish orgy in which he himself, moreover, was the undisputed star … As with Jek, so with Jak. Jak was piebald too, but like a negative image of his brother. Jak, mostly white, wore a black tanktop and four black moccasins; Jek, mostly black, wore a white dicky and four white spats. One Friday it would be Jek. The next Wednesday but one it would be Jak. But never Jak and Jek at the same time.

The dogs and the Pepperdines were soon very fond of one another. This was a development that Lionel would be certain to deplore: the Pepperdines knew it — and so, uncannily, did the dogs. All four of them dissembled; they behaved with the polite reserve of experienced adulterers till the moment Lionel stamped off down the passage. As the front door slammed shut, Jak or Jek would be lying on his back with forepaws cocked and tail awhirl, or springing five feet in the air …

On Friday it would be Jak. The next Wednesday it would be Jek. But never Jek and Jak at the same time.

OVER THESE SUMMER weeks ‘Threnody’ got going on a little project. She wanted to bond with Dawn.

A text message. A series of emails. Then daily phone calls …

‘She just checks in. Asks how we are. She wants to give us dinner at the South Central. Just the three of us.’

‘What d’you think?’

‘Wants to talk about Lionel. Wants to talk about her parameters with Lionel.’

‘… Are we playing along? It’s all a kind of madness, Dawnie.’

What people don’t understand is this , said ‘Threnody’, in the course of a groundbreaking interview in the Daily Mail. Okay, one, we’re on decent money and, two, all right, we’re well known. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have problems! That’s what people are too bloody dense to understand. We’re just like any other English couple, for goodness’ sake! We’re ordinary people , the same as everyone else. Hello? Can’t they get that through their thick heads?

You see, Melanie, there’s two main issues. He’s a passionate man, my Lionel, which is why I call him ‘Lionheart’. But he’s madly jealous of my past. And jealous I do glamour. He’s like, ‘All those blokes w***ing off over you!’ But glamour’s who I am! What’s ‘Threnody’ without glamour? Glamour and myself are virtually synonymous .

And he won’t travel. He’s put his foot down. He’s that patriotic. He hasn’t even got a passport — and he won’t get one! And I need my destinations .’Threnody’ then went on, We’ll compromise. We’ll have to. Now that we’re trying for a baby. And I do mean trying! I know it in my heart: everything will fall into place the minute I’m up the duff .

You see, Melanie, I haven’t forgotten my roots. I’ve now become close to Lionel’s niece, Dawn Pepperdine. She lives in a pokey council flat just like I used to. And she’s in the family way. So we’re always on for a good old natter. We understand each other completely. And we’ve so much to share …

On Tuesday the Pepperdines high-spiritedly met up after work at Pimlico tube station and walked in the rain to the South Central Hotel. As they approached the forecourt Des was hailed by a colleague from the Mirror , who told him that the press was there in force: Danube herself would be attending a function in the penthouse casino.

They sat and waited with their Cokes. Round about them the clientele sat drinking and snacking in its usual fancy dress — like the cast of an opera or a pantomime; but the most conspicuous person in the Los Feliz Lounge, it turned out, was Dawn Sheringham.

‘I feel pregnant now all right,’ she said as she returned from her second visit to the bathroom. ‘See the way they all stared? Are pregnant women even allowed in here? … Where is she? She told me seven-thirty!’

At twenty to nine a bespectacled and preoccupied Megan Jones clicked up.

‘Hello there! Change of plan. “Threnody”’, she said, ‘is upstairs.’

‘Oh, is she not coming down?’

‘With Danube on the premises? You’re dreaming. Dawn, love, pop in on her for me. She’s feeling really shit and she needs to vent … There’s a good girl.’

Des sat on. The hotel’s centre of gravity, that night, had levitated sixteen floors, and only a handful of the uninvited resentfully remained in the bar. So the whole two hours passed almost without incident. Someone laughingly stripped in front of the new shark tank, someone laughingly drowned a garden frog in an ice bucket. And the affectless TV screens — Laurel and Hardy, tsunami, Popeye, September 11, royal wedding, Pinocchio , volcano, Mandingo , martyrdom video, Thriller , Godzilla …

‘She was in bed with an eye mask on,’ said Dawn as they walked in the rain to the Chelsea Kitchen on King’s Road. ‘And she spoke in a whisper.’

‘Look out, puddle coming up. What did she say about Lionel?’

‘She didn’t say anything about Lionel.’

‘Then what did she talk about?’

‘Danube.’

They ate a mushroom pie, and took the Underground from Sloane Square to Diston North. At 33F, Avalon Tower, all the lights were on; in the kitchen they found a jeroboam of Rebel Yell bourbon (another house present) and an ecstatic Jak.

He readied the bowls of Wotsits and Fairy Toast, and checked the temperature of the ‘Mirage’ Chardonnay. ‘Threnody’ was due at seven-thirty.

Preceded by security guard number one (thickset, apologetic, in an ageing blue suit), and escorted by security guard number two (much younger, ponytailed, in a boxy three-piece), who positioned himself at the front door, ‘Threnody’ arrived at twenty past nine.

Then in she disconcertingly came at speed, with her busy eye-movements taking the whole of her head and neck with them, in strict and fluttery inventory, and jarred to a halt in the full light with her hands on her hips.

‘Twelve floors,’ she said bitterly.

‘I did warn you.’

‘Yes, Dawn, you did — but what about my heels? What about my heels? See?’

She slid off a shoe as she sat herself down and held it up for them. It reminded Des of something he had seen the day before: an almost 0-shaped hook securing a freighter in the canal lock.

‘They were fucking killing me. Twelve floors. Mal had to give me a piggyback up the last five! … Twelve floors. Where’s the consideration? Stressing me out.’

After a silence Dawn offered their guest a glass of ‘Mirage’. ‘Threnody’ proudly declined — and then very briefly burst into tears. She said,

‘Oh, Dawn. It’s happened. Lionel’s gone and filled me with his child!’

Haltingly the Pepperdines made it clear how pleased they were by this news.

‘Ah, you should’ve seen your uncle when I told him. The tears were streaming down his face … Mums , Dawn. That’s what we’re going to be. Proper mums. Mums .’ She turned to Des and said, ‘Would you excuse yourself for me? I want to have a mums’ talk with your Dawn.’

He went off to the bedroom with his book. In the passage the older security guard paced and loomed; after ten minutes (and a warning cough) he peered round the door and said,

‘You can go back in there now. If you fancy it.’ He had a way of dropping his head, chin on chest, and looking upward from under his brows, as if over a pair of invisible spectacles. ‘Mal MacManaman,’ he said and offered his hand. ‘I’ve been doing this for fifteen years. Centrefolds. Glamour queens. Page Three. And you know uh, Desmond, it’s right what they call them. They’re fantasy girls. They live in the clouds.’