Martin Amis - Lionel Asbo

He knew his irrational fears were irrational, and he tried to keep quiet about them, but late one night, in the dark, he found himself saying,

You wouldn’t go and do a runner on me would you Dawnie?

… Don’t be daft .

And another night he might say in the dark,

You won’t suddenly up and leave me will you Dawnie?

And she might say, Desmond , and roll over towards him.

… I worry , he said with a convulsive swallow.

No need. My love. My love. No need . And then she said (solvingly, it turned out), Oh, Desi, don’t. Stop trying not to cry. Stop. Don’t. It breaks my heart .

A weekend morning, and there they were, in their limited habitat, Dawn on the balcony, reading, Des in the passage, exercising. He was now very fit; twice a day, before and after work, he went for half-hour sprints on Steep Slope; and he could polish off forty-five press-ups in less than a minute. Why was he doing all this? Because he was a man who was going to have a baby. And his body, at least, his physical instrument, would be perfectly primed …

‘I’ll get it,’ he called, and went to the phone.

‘Des, it’s you Uncle Li. Listen. A couple of EBs’ll be over to clean me room. They’ll let theyselves in. Take care.’

By EBs Lionel meant persons from the Eastern Bloc. And that afternoon, sure enough, Danuta and Kryzstina hurried talkatively into the flat with armfuls of thick towels and glowing flax. They worked for an hour, and drank a cup of tea, and left.

Again Des ventured within, and Dawn followed. The white smile of the folded upper sheet (which was quality linen, and not the scorching polyester of earlier days), the white Turkish bathrobe plumped up at the foot of the bed. And there in the drawer were Lionel’s old socks and pink-tinged Y-fronts, his sweats, his combats.

Dawn sighed and said, ‘I know I’m always moaning on about it. But wouldn’t it be lovely if we could move in here.’

‘Then our room’d be perfect for Toilet.’

‘Perfect. Where’s Toilet going to sleep?’ Dawn was looking at herself in the freestanding swing mirror, full on and then in profile (as Cilla used to do before she went out). ‘I’m still not showing!’

Des glanced down at his own mid-section. No: his hysterical pregnancy was not quite as hysterical as that. And in fact he felt much calmer. Dawn was always praising him, admiring him, and enthusiastically returning his embraces and caresses, and it now seemed rather unlikely, on the whole, that his beloved wife, four months pregnant, would desert her home and husband and elope with the unborn child. He said,

‘You’re showing a bit , Dawnie.’

‘But the other mums are out here! And I still don’t feel pregnant.’

‘She hasn’t stopped kicking, has she?’

‘Don’t look so stricken! Of course she hasn’t stopped kicking. You think I wouldn’t tell you? And she’s a boy too. It’s like a pub brawl in there. She’s a boy.’

‘Not necessarily, Dawnie. You know, I’ve been looking round the stalls. And I think I’ve found the perfect cradle for Toilet.’

‘Harry.’

‘Lally.’

‘Gary.’

‘Sally.’

‘… You know, Des, I’m getting an awful feeling.’

‘So am I. He’s moving back in.’

BY NOW THE lovers were being referred to, simply, as ‘ Threnody’ and Lionel , or as Li and ‘ Thren ’, or (for a week or two at least) as Thrionel (and even ‘ Thr’ionel ). England looked on with an indulgent smile as the romance spread its buds and bloomed.

Lionel and ‘Threnody’ feeding the ducks in St James’s Park, and strolling on, hand in hand. ‘Threnody’ and Lionel drinking champagne in the directors’ box at Upton Park (where they watched West Ham lose heavily to Manchester City). Lionel top-hatted, and ‘Threnody’ extravagantly befrocked, enjoying a day at the races. But there were also nights out at the greyhound tracks — Walthamstow, Haringey, Ockenden — with the principals in jeans and bomber jackets … Des gazed for a long time at a not unendearing photo (he thought) of Lionel in earnest communion with his Morning Lark in the stadium cocktail bar while ‘Threnody’ paid a visit to the ladies’ room.

I’ve finally met a man , ‘Threnody’ told reporters (including Desmond’s new colleague at the Daily Mirror ), who makes me feel cherished. He makes me feel safe. He’s an Englishman. He’s a real man, not like that sad, pathetic little b*****d Fernando. And don’t get me going on that stupid s*d Azwat .

At ‘Wormwood Scrubs’, when it’s just Lionel and I, we generally have an interlude in our room before dinner. With the lights down low, I model him the latest creations from ‘Self Esteem’. Starting with the bustiers and ending with the teensiest little frillies. As a prelude to the obvious!

He’s a decathlete in the boudoir, my Lionel, but also so very sensitive and caring. For hour upon hour we surge and meld. However, for me, the really romantic part comes after our evening meal. We go up, we lie there in the dark. I’ll say, ‘Love you, Lionel.’ He’ll say, ‘Love you, “Threnody”.’ And we’ll fall asleep in one another’s arms, in an ecstasy of loving .

A source at the office of Megan Jones did not deny that the couple had ordered several catalogues of engagement rings.

‘There is no mistaking “Threnody”’s heartfelt adoration,’ concluded Daphne, in a follow-up think-piece in the Sun . ‘And Lionel? Oh, he looks as sunny as a dog with two tails!

‘And whilst the couple are impatient to start a family of their own, they also have plans to adopt the three Afghan babies that “Threnody” fell in love with at the orphanage in Badroo.

‘So who knows? The two poor little rich things might yet become national treasures, as they find their way to the proverbial “dream come true”.

‘And what, finally, of Lionel’s adorable nephew? May I, on behalf of the Street of Shame, extend a warm welcome to Des Pepperdine. As much as it pains me to praise a rival, young Des, a fresh face on a certain venerable tabloid, has already started to impress. What a striking comprehension of the criminal mentality! Hmm. Wonder where he got that from!’

‘She’s copying Danube again,’ said Dawn.

The Pepperdines were en route to Cape Wrath. Activated for travel, England thrummed past them with its rainbow of greens.

‘Listen to this.’

On her way from an OK! shoot to an appearance on T4 — and before making a PA at EZ (a new nightclub) — ‘Threnody’ instructed Sebastian Drinker to release a statement about the forthcoming ITV documentary ‘ Threnody’ and Lionel: Fusion .

‘She’s doing a Danube,’ said Dawn.

‘Pinch me,’ said Des, aghast. ‘She’s signed him up for I’m a Superstar, What the F*** Am I Doing Here? No. Never.’

I just want to be with Lionel 24/7 , said ‘Threnody’ in a speech at the annual Formula 1 Pit Pets Party (like Danube, who did not attend, ‘Threnody’ was a former Formula 1 Pit Pet). And to think I used to obsess about my career! And about Danube! Danube. Who’s so over. That’s what happens when you find true love. You don’t give a s*** about anything else. End of .

Then all this changed.

But before it did that, Lionel called Avalon Tower and gave warning.

‘I’m going to be fussing over you. You won’t have a minute’s peace.’

Des’s tone, now, was no longer tearful or pleading. It was pitched at the level of romantic banter, and Dawn seemed to like it. She gave her new laugh (half an octave deeper) and said, ‘Promise?’