Daniel Sada - Almost Never

“I will always speak tenderly to you. With words as soft and beautiful as you are.”

“And I will always be grateful.”

A chivalrous adieu. Obsequious smiles for the parents as he accompanied Renata to her seat. When he turned his back upon all of that — quite decently done, of course — Demetrio took long jaunty strides across the basketball court. His mother and aunt greeted him with smiles. They: eager. He: excited. It was still not time, however, to speak about how things had gone with the girl. Instead, what was worth noticing after the agronomist’s abrupt about-face was that Renata and her parents were leaving: we still have to find out why: perhaps these gentlefolk had decided that their daughter should not dance with another: this also to the outlander’s advantage, who thought in a flash: I’ve got my foot in the door. I’m like a Prince Charming from far away. He said as much within earshot of his mother and aunt. They: swelling with pride, smiling. It was best he say no more. Every silence is strategic. It might also help him to think ahead, especially because he was pondering the nature of the summary impressions he’d made upon those who had left, impressions that might even be marvelous: the outlander appeared to be a well-educated man, with good social standing and a promising future; moreover, his height — incredible! impressive! — his self-confidence, his good manners, that sort of thing. Correct impressions of Demetrio, but ones that he had foisted upon the departed trio. Now, here come the comments of his own dear aunt! who didn’t hold her tongue — nor did she overstate her joy—: I know that family. One of the most respectable in Sacramento. That’s all, then on to the next subject. Doña Telma wanted to congratulate the newlyweds, especially the parents of the bride: old friends of hers, and most important: the inviters who’d wired to Parras. Anyway, the three of them proceeded: best wishes were proffered. The introduction of the agronomist son. Then followed more praiseworthy observations pertinent to the couple’s happiness — a sampling? Naw, enough already! The party’s over. Let’s be gone! And why even dip our toes into the flood of verbiage provoked by Renata and Demetrio’s spin on the dance floor, once they were back at the home of that aunt, who mentioned in passing how bad the food was, how there weren’t even enough tables, and, oh — so many unbearable details? Just to make clear, the agronomist ate neither potato salad nor sandwiches made with scrawny bits of chicken soaked in chorizo juice. Would such aloofness be harmful? No, because at least the hungry man had his plate full of love’s frenetic beginnings, more than enough to keep him up all night talking. And now for an aside: Renata Melgarejo was the only daughter left to those refreshingly respectable gentlepeople; the other four, all older, had already been carried off by other outlanders, outlanders with great futures! Et cetera. Many weddings. Ugh! An anodyne extension of the conversation. Bitter pills for Demetrio to swallow as he begged for a bed. Please. Agreed. Go to sleep! the aunt finally exclaimed. Gossip’s full delight to be enjoyed on the morrow. And there he lay in the middle of the mattress, unblanketed. He wore lightweight pajamas. Now for the final frame: the bedded trio — but careful! all wearing pajamas. Dreams and fatigue lasting till noon, and from Demetrio, not the slightest lascivious touch, even when his aunt was well within reach. Only a nudge with a leg and a brief caress of the old woman’s face. Incidents that took place moments before the hostess awoke.

And no drawn-out gossiping.

It would have been a waste of time for both mother and son.

A bold and hasty return to Parras. Then a dreary Noel.

Still, the effects of that memorable dance lingered for many a long evening and night, when Telma and Demetrio’s thoughts mingled in bittersweet conjectures.

A vast illusion they willingly recycled, always seeking new angles.

Until Demetrio said: I don’t want to talk about it anymore! His mind was, instead, pulling him in a more benign direction: Mireya from a distance like a circle with a ceaselessly shifting center: legs, breasts, ass, a cleaving — perhaps? The conjuring of a waiting nakedness, accompanied by a large number of banknotes descending, floating through the air, the whimsy of each movement — would it? could it?

But those Christmas days seemed long, so long that Demetrio spent hours in his room, entertaining himself with his sexual longings. Why not! He masturbated five or more times. What a greedy sinner! Such solitude exasperates and baffles, but he simply didn’t feel like going out and wandering the streets of Parras nor talking to his mother about his plans regarding that angel named Renata. Finally, the New Year swelled with hope that would never be fulfilled or disappointed: hence: to leave, to feign ignorance yet know he was carrying the onus of an illusion. The material thing was in far-off Oaxaca. Nevertheless, first a toast. New Year’s Eve: stiff, then soft and therefore remembered. Two solitudes embraced. Mother and son — contrite? The hug lasted a long time.

Romantic music in the penumbra, a bit of rumbling from behind the four walls: sequestered with memories. He deliberately made the volume overflow. Demetrio had no regard for the other lodgers’ privacy. A mere quarter of an hour had passed and Doña Rolanda was already knocking on the door: her voice through the wood: Turn it down! Please! The good part: prompt compliance; the response: the act: down it was turned, without another word spoken. But the following night, the same thing — ugh! — and even more rumbling: the continued increase the result of love’s pull or the lover’s thickheadedness: an inexorable ascent or, better said, a brutal one. And again: Turn it down! Please! The third night of folly, it resounded even louder, and Doña Rolanda had no choice but to present him with the ultimatum that she would forbid him from having a radio in his room if … et cetera … and thus we put an end to the music problem. Of course, the music continued, but the volume: a wisp that only barely stoked the delirium of he who longed for the ranchera goddess. It’s also worth mentioning that Demetrio had not been visiting Mireya. His longing for her and the oft-dreamed-of screws had steadily diminished during the return trip, a great doubt about the future of his love life having conclusively intervened. To make a sacrifice for a hope (unfortunately, always vague) as opposed to his need for a sexual workout, his apprenticeship, his fantasies, but … desire, that unscalable peak, that muddling and stirring blur … Abstinence, to be so wholly parched, the denial of all sorts of urgencies in order to fortify his tattered spirit. An expiation, perhaps, or a punishment — for how long? and moreover, in order to render what, exactly, clear? The truth was that while listening to those songs that waxed poetic about love’s miseries, Demetrio made several attempts to write his first promised letter. He couldn’t decide whether to write “Highly esteemed,” “Dear,” “Wondrous,” or simply, “Hi, Renata,” or the name by itself, next to a drawing of a flower, using five colored pencils. No! Such vulgarity, quickly shunned … Indolence. Inanity … Nonetheless, try, try, try again, knowing that sheer obstinacy would carry him to his goal, whatever that might be, which might provoke stentorian laughter that was nonetheless sympathetic … to enthuse her, make her forgive such … The agronomist managed to eke out only three sentences, not even particularly shapely ones, in an entire week. No reason even to quote them. They cajoled so blatantly that even he felt like a hypocrite, and the worst part: they lacked all credibility. His mission was to fill three sheets of paper, back and front — six pages in all, though at the rate he was going he calculated that it would take him more than a month. Dig out what was most natural in himself (climbing a mountain carpeted in treacherous snow), and express it, and — what words would sound really and truly sincere? what ideas that Renata could interpret as feelings rising from a limpid depth? Ah. So, no. Indolence won the day, and the other; the brothel, the awaiting brunette, the one to whom he need only say: Hey, you, let’s get it on! Away, now! Resist. No, he didn’t go. Abstinence is better … auspicious? Better to concentrate on his work in the orchard, as he was doing. In the midst of it all, Demetrio masturbated one night with great delight to the rhythm of the music. When he felt the semen seeping through his fingers, a mumbled sentence took shape, almost through attrition: I am turning into a chaos.