Yu Hua - Brothers

PR Liu became Baldy Li's shadow, and the virgins’ letters titillated Baldy Li to no end. When he thought of there being so many hymens throughout the country, lined up like a Great Wall of troops waiting for him, Baldy Li couldn't help excitedly scratching his thighs with both hands. The letters PR Liu picked were the most brilliant and moving ones, and Baldy Li's eyes would glitter as he listened to them. He was like a child in nursery school, crying out innocently at every turn, "Really? Really?"

Later Baldy Li found that he couldn't get away from these virgins’ letters; they had become his spiritual sustenance. He became addicted to them as if they were amphetamines, and whenever he felt tired, he would have PR Liu read him a passage, after which he would immediately be able to throw himself back into his work. While he was being interviewed or was discussing business, he would often develop an irresistible craving and would have to sneak out and have PR Liu read him another letter. Only then would the reinvigorated Baldy Li be able to sit back down with the reporters or business partners. During that period, he would often forget that his public relations director was called PR Liu and instead would call him simply Virgin Letter. PR Liu was human, however, and therefore periodically also had to go to the bathroom to take a piss or shit. And if sometimes, when Baldy Li needed a hit of his spiritual heroin and couldn't immediately locate PRLiu, he would stand in the middle of the hall and call out frantically, "Virgin Letter, where are you? Where the fuck have you gone?"

At that point, PR Liu would dash out of the bathroom, holding up his pants with one hand and a letter with the other, and start reading aloud.

THE REPORTERS swept in and retreated like a tidal wave, all in the space of three months. During that time, Baldy Li flitted about like a social butterfly, until one day he suddenly noticed that the reporters were gone. Although there was still a steady stream of people coming to town to discuss business with him, suddenly there were no more reporters, and Baldy Li was finally able to relax a bit. Feeling as though he had been relieved of a heavy burden, he said that now he could finally sleep like a normal person. The first night, as soon as his head hit the pillow, he slept eighteen hours straight. Even after waking up when PR Liu called him on the phone, he complained that he hadn't slept enough. PR Liu himself had slept for seventeen hours and also complained that he hadn't slept enough. As both men lazed about in their beds, PR Liu read Baldy Li virgin letters for two hours until he heard thunderous snores on the other end of the line. Only then did Liu put down the virgin letters, and as soon as he closed his eyes he immediately started snoring as well. Baldy Li and PR Liu each slept for five more hours, and both sported puffy and bloodshot eyes when they saw each other at the office the next day.

For the next week, Baldy Li lounged on the couch in his office, listening to PR Liu's hoarse voice read more letters. Although the virgins’ heartfelt letters still stimulated him like spiritual heroin, he found it hard to adjust to the reporters’ sudden disappearance and became increasingly distracted. Interrupting PR Liu's reading, he wondered aloud, "Why did those bastards all vanish at the same time?"

PR Liu stood in front of Baldy Li's couch and explained that that was the nature of the media — bastards, each and every one of them, flocking en masse toward whatever happened to be the latest hot spot. Like dogs, they pounced wherever there were bones.

Baldy Li abruptly sat up and said, "And do you mean that I, Baldy Li, am no longer a bone?"

PR Liu stammered in response, "Boss Li, you shouldn't speak of yourself in that way."

Baldy Li lay down again on the couch and dispiritedly continued listening to the latest virgins’ letters. He was lost in thought, and after listening to Liu read for a while, he suddenly sat up, face flushed with excitement, and cried out, "No, I insist on being a bone."

The continuous flow of virgin letters had given Baldy Li an inspiration, and he announced that he was going to host a National Hymen Olympic Games. When PR Liu heard this, his eyes opened wide in amazement, whereupon Baldy Li gushed ideas while walking back and forth through his office. He uttered the word fucking more than twenty times. He was going to make those fucking reporters come running back like mad dogs. He wanted the fucking television reporters to broadcast his Hymen Olympics live and also to have it streamed live on the fucking Internet. He wanted the fucking sponsors to open up their fucking checkbooks and take out their fucking money, and to have fucking ads for the games plastered all over the streets and alleys. He wanted to have those fucking beauties wear bikinis and sashay up and down the street, and to have the fucking townspeople of Liu feast their fucking eyes on the spectacle. He wanted to establish a fucking Hymen Games organizing committee, find some fucking political leaders to serve as fucking chairmen and fucking deputy chairmen, and find ten fuckers to come serve as fucking judges. Pausing briefly at this point, he specified that the ten judges must all be male. Finally, he told PR Liu, "And you will be my fucking spokesman."

With pen and paper in hand, PR Liu quickly recorded Baldy Li's fucking instructions. Only after Baldy Li sat down on the couch to catch his breath did PR Liu speak, singing the praises of Baldy Li's brilliant scheme and proposing two very minor suggestions. First, he volunteered that it seemed somewhat inappropriate to call it a Hymen Olympic Games and asked whether they could change the name to Inaugural National Virgin Beauty Competition.

Baldy Li nodded. "That is a good suggestion."

PR Liu then suggested that perhaps it was somewhat inappropriate for all the judges to be men. Shouldn't they also have some female judges? Baldy Li, however, disagreed, and said with a wave of his hand, "I don't want any women. It is ultimately us men who decide which women are pretty or not, so what point is there in including women?"

PR Liu considered for a moment and suggested that there might be unfortunate ramifications if all the judges were men, because this might lead to debates and criticism in the media, ultimately becoming a topic that people would discuss endlessly.

"All the better!" Baldy Li shouted and added, "I want there to be controversy, and I want them to discuss this endlessly. That way I will always be a bone."

PR Liu sprang into action like a bolt of lightning, and the very next day he sent out press releases announcing the virgin competition. He spent the whole day on the phone placing calls to every corner of the country, confirming people to serve as chairmen and deputy chairmen of the organizing committee and also confirming the list of ten judges.

Baldy Li also called up a storm, phoning all those chairmen of the board and trustees who had previously discussed business with him in order to nail down sponsors and advertisers. Finally he called up County Governor Tao Qing and, after telling him about his glorious plan, asked Tao to make the main street of Liu Town available for hosting the proposed Inaugural National Virgin Beauty Competition. Nearly drooling, Baldy Li sketched out his vision: "More than a thousand beauties will come to Liu from throughout China to participate in the competition, and every fucking one of them will be a virgin. The biggest gathering place in the county is the movie theater, but it only has eight hundred fucking seats and therefore won't even be enough to hold all the beautiful virgins, much less us and the other political leaders. Even the judges wouldn't have seats. You wouldn't want us to have to sit in the virgins’ laps, would you? And then there is the question of the fucking spectators who will want to come see the virgins. Naturally, the only option would be to hold it in the street."