Yu Hua - Brothers

When Writer Liu entered Baldy Li's thousand-square-foot office, Baldy Li was on the phone with someone discussing business. Writer Liu looked about, exclaiming and sighing, and when Baldy Li finally got off the phone, Writer Liu said with a broad smile, "I had long heard how magnificent your office was, and now I see that its reputation is well deserved. I have visited the county governor's office, and although his is big, it is a mere bathroom compared to yours."

Baldy Li's cold gaze extinguished Writer Liu's excitement. Baldy Li scowled. "I hear that you have been spreading rumors."

Writer Liu turned pale and started shaking his head and saying repeatedly, "No, no, not at all…"

"Fuck." Baldy Li pounded the table. "Fuck."

As Writer Liu heard these two "fucks," his entire body started to shake. He thought this was surely the end. Baldy Li was at the height of his powers, and if he wanted to get rid of Writer Liu, he could do so as easily as squashing a fly Baldy Li laughed coldly and asked, "What have you been saying? Is it true you said you made my wedding gown?"

Writer Liu nodded and bowed, saying, "I'm sorry, Boss Li, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

Baldy Li tugged at his suit and asked, "Is this the wedding gown you made me?"

Writer Liu shook his head repeatedly. "No, no …"

"Do you know what brand this is?" Baldy Li said proudly. "This is an Armani. And do you know who Armani is? He's Italian, and the world's most famous designer. Do you know how much this suit cost?"

Writer Liu started to shake his head. "Very expensive. Certainly very expensive."

Baldy Li held up two fingers: "Two million lira."

Writer Liu heard "two million" and was so astounded that his knees started to wobble. How could this bumpkin know what a lira was? He was just convinced that foreign money was more expensive than Chinese money. He shouted, "Two fucking million!"

Baldy Li saw Writer Liu's look of astonishment and smiled slightly, saying, "I'll give you some advice: You should watch your mouth."

Writer Liu continued nodding. "Yes, yes, I certainly will. As they say, loose lips sink ships, so I'll certainly watch mine."

After Baldy Li had shown Writer Liu some severity, his expression abruptly changed and he said amicably, "Won't you have a seat?"

For a second Writer Liu didn't know how to respond, so Baldy Li again invited him to sit down. Only then did Liu carefully sit, whereupon Baldy Li said cordially, "I read that article you wrote. You are a fucking genius. How in the world did you come up with the idea of that key?"

Writer Liu let out a sigh of relief and said happily, "That was sheer inspiration."

"Inspiration?" Baldy Li thought that was too deep for him. "Don't use such fucking abstract concepts. Speak more directly."

Writer Liu chuckled knowingly and, turning his head toward Baldy Li, confided, "I also used to peek at women's bottoms in the public toilet, so I have some experience in these matters."

"Really? You've done it, too?" Baldy Li asked excitedly. "What kind of experience?"

"I used a mirror." Writer Liu stood up and started to demonstrate. "I would position it so that I could look at their bottoms in the mirror. That way I wouldn't fall into the cesspool and also could watch and make sure no one else came in."

"Fuck." Baldy Li hit his forehead. "Why didn't I think of using a mirror?"

"But at least you were able to see Lin Hong's bottom," Writer Liu said fawningly "The only one I was able to see was that of Blacksmith Tongs wife."

"Fuck," Baldy Li said again, his eyes glimmering. "You are truly a fucking genius. I have three loves in life: money, genius, and women. You bastard, therefore, exemplify my second love. My company has now grown large, and large companies need a media spokesman. I think that you, bastard, are a perfect candidate for this position."

With that, Writer Liu became Baldy Li's official PR person. When the townspeople of Liu saw him again a few days later, he was no longer a country bumpkin but was now decked out in a stylish suit, polished shoes, a white shirt with a red tie, and neatly combed hair. Whenever Baldy Li got out of his Santana, Writer Liu, who was now known as PR Liu, would be right at his heels. PR Liu took to heart Baldy Li's advice that he watch his mouth, and from that point on the people of Liu found that getting any dirt out of him was tougher than pulling teeth. PR Liu privately told friends, "I can't speak as freely as I used to, because I am now Boss Li's mouthpiece."

Baldy Li had not misjudged Writer Liu. When he wasn't supposed to speak, you couldn't beat a word out of him with a stick; when he was, pearls streamed from his lips. When everyone was taking great delight in some sex scandal involving Baldy Li, Writer Liu came out and issued a correction: "Boss Li is a bachelor, and when a bachelor sleeps with a woman, that is not a scandal. What is a scandal? A scandal is when a husband sleeps with someone else's wife, or when a wife sleeps with someone else's husband."

Townspeople asked, "If someone else's wife sleeps with Baldy Li, does that count as a scandal?"

"That would indeed be a scandal." Writer Liu nodded. "But a scandal for someone else. Boss Li's hands would be clean."

Writer Liu's response on the scandal reached Baldy Li, who said approvingly, "That little bastard is absolutely right. For a bachelor like myself, even if I were to sleep with countless women from antiquity to the present, from China and abroad, it still wouldn't constitute a scandal."

After Writer Liu accepted his appointment as PR Liu, his first task was to deal with Baldy Li's vast mountain of mail. These letters came from every corner of the country and were all from self-avowed virgins. The thought of a multimillionaire who had never experienced love or met an honest-to-goodness virgin captured the imagination of countless women, leading them to write him letters professing their undying devotion. Young girls and young wives, mothers and prostitutes, city gals and country lasses, middle-school, high-school, and M.A. and Ph.D. students, even a lady professor all claimed to be virgins. Furthermore, they all either hinted or stated outright that they wanted to offer Baldy Li their hymens, which they had carefully preserved up to this point.

Every day the postman would deliver a huge sack of mail, and then a couple of burly young fellows from Baldy Li's company would drag the bag from the mailroom to Writer Liu's — or, rather, PR Liu's — office. PR Liu worked diligently. His office was right next door to Baldy Li's, and, like Baldy Li, he became so busy that he only had time to sleep two or three hours a night. He read through the vast pile of virgins’ letters, selecting a few of the better ones to read out loud to Baldy Li. Baldy Li was so busy that he barely had time to take a breath, so PR Liu had to seize whatever free moment Baldy Li happened to have. For instance, he would read a bit while Baldy Li was taking a piss, a bit more when he was taking a shit, and a bit more while he was having dinner. When Baldy Li went out, PR Liu followed behind, reading him a choice excerpt or two. When Baldy Li got into his sedan, Liu would also squeeze in and continue reading. When Baldy Li returned home in the middle of the night and lay down in bed, PR Liu would stand next to his bed reading; and when Baldy Li fell asleep, Liu would lie down at his feet and sleep as well. When Baldy Li woke up, PR Liu would immediately spring to his feet and continue reading as Baldy Li brushed his teeth, washed his face, and ate his breakfast. He continued reading right up until Baldy Li reached his office and became occupied with other matters, and only then would he rush off to brush his own teeth, wash his own face, and eat his own breakfast. Then he would bury himself again in the mountain of letters, struggling to get through each new batch that arrived with the days mail.