Yu Hua - To Live

The team leader had a good heart. Seeing how depressed I was, he said, “Fugui, don’t take it too hard. Everyone’s got to go sometime. Right now don’t worry about anything, just try to let Jiazhen feel at ease during her last days. You can have any plot of land in the village you want for her burial.”

But by then I had already decided. I said to the team leader, “Jiazhen wants to be buried with Youqing. They should be buried together.”

Poor Youqing, buried with only a layer of clothes to protect him. I wouldn’t let Jiazhen be buried like that. No matter how poor we were, I had to buy her a coffin. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. If Jiazhen had married someone else, she would have never had to suffer with me, and she would never have ended up working herself to the point of illness. I went from house to house around the village borrowing money. I’m not sure what was wrong with me, but as soon as I said the money was to buy Jiazhen a casket, I couldn’t help but cry. Everyone in the village was poor, and all the borrowed money put together still wasn’t enough to buy a coffin. It was only after the team leader gathered together some public funds that I was finally able to go to the neighboring village to hire a carpenter.

At first Fengxia didn’t know her mother was dying, but she noticed that every chance I got I kept running off to the neighboring village’s lamb pen, which is where the carpenter worked. Every time I went down there I would stay half the day, even forgetting to come home to eat. Fengxia would come to get me, and after a few trips she saw the coffin gradually starting to take shape. It was only then that she began to realize what was happening. Her eyes opened wide as she made a sign with her hands to ask me. I thought Fengxia should know, so I told her.

Fengxia just kept shaking her head. I knew what she was thinking, so I used my hands to tell her it was for Jiazhen. I told her Jiazhen would use it after she was gone. Fengxia kept shaking her head and pulled me home. Even after we got home Fengxia still wouldn’t let go of my sleeve. She nudged Jiazhen, and Jiazhen opened her eyes. Then she forcefully shook my shoulders to show me that Jiazhen was still alive and well. Finally, she extended her right hand and made a downward chopping motion — she wanted me to get rid of the coffin.

Fengxia had never even dreamed her mother would die, and even if I had told her she wouldn’t have believed it. Seeing Fengxia like that, I could only lower my head. I didn’t even attempt to gesture to her at all.

Once Jiazhen took to her bed, she didn’t get up for over twenty days. Sometimes it seemed like she was getting better and she might pull through after all. Then one night as I lay down next to her and was about to turn out the light, Jiazhen suddenly reached out her arm and pulled me toward her — she told me not to turn out the light. Her voice was weaker than the buzz of a mosquito. She had me turn her on her side. That night my wife couldn’t stop staring at me. She kept calling out to me, “Fugui.”

She smiled at me and closed her eyes. After a while Jiazhen opened her eyes and asked, “Is Fengxia asleep?”

I propped myself up to look at Fengxia and said, “She’s asleep.”

Although she kept pausing between her words, Jiazhen talked quite a bit that night, and only after she was utterly exhausted did she finally go to sleep. I, on the other hand, was terrified and couldn’t get to sleep no matter how hard I tried. Jiazhen seemed so much better, but I was afraid it was that “last radiance of the setting sun” that everyone talks about. I caressed Jiazhen’s body, and only after I realized she was still warm did I begin to relax a bit.

The next morning when I got up, Jiazhen was still asleep. She had been up late the previous night so I didn’t wake her. Fengxia and I had some porridge before heading out to work. We finished early that day, and when Fengxia and I got home I was shocked to find Jiazhen sitting up in bed. She had sat up all by herself. Seeing us come in, she said quietly, “Fugui, I’m hungry. Would you cook me some porridge?”

I just stood there in shock for a long time. I had never imagined that Jiazhen would get better. Only after Jiazhen called me a second time did I snap out of my daze. Tears rushed down my face, and forgetting that Fengxia couldn’t hear, I said to her, “You did it. It’s all because in your heart you wouldn’t let your mom die.”

As soon as she got her appetite back, I knew that Jiazhen was going to be okay. Before long Jiazhen was well enough to do some needlework from her bed. If she keeps improving at this rate, I thought, she might even be able to get out of bed and walk again. I could finally rest at ease.

The moment I got some peace of mind, however, I myself became ill. I had actually gotten sick a long time before, but after Youqing died and with Jiazhen on the verge of following him, I couldn’t worry about my own illness — I just didn’t let it get to me. But while Jiazhen had defied her doctor and gradually started getting better, I began to feel increasingly lightheaded and dizzy. This dizziness continued until I passed out one day while transplanting rice seeds. Only after someone carried me home did I realize I was sick.

As soon as I fell ill, things became terrible for Fengxia. With both Jiazhen and me bedridden, Fengxia had both of us to take care of, and at the same time she still had to go out to the fields to earn work points. After a few days I realized that Fengxia was beyond the point of exhaustion. I told Jiazhen I was feeling a lot better and dragged my sick body out to the fields to work. When the other villagers saw me they were taken aback. They said, “Fugui, your hair’s all gray.”

“It’s been gray for a long time,” I laughed.

“No, you used to have a lot of black hair left,” they said. “How could it all turn gray in just a few days?”

In just a matter of days, I had really grown old. The strength I had had was gone. My shoulders and lower back would get sore when I worked, and if I pushed myself too hard sweat would stream from every pore in my body.

Just over a month after Youqing died, Chunsheng arrived. He was no longer called Chunsheng — he was called Liberation Liu. When other people saw him they’d all address him as Magistrate Liu, but I still called him Chunsheng. He told me that after he was taken prisoner he joined the Liberation Army. He fought all the way down to Fujian and later went to war in korea. Chunsheng was lucky to have come back in one piece after all those battles he had fought in. After the korean War he was transferred to civilian work and moved to a nearby county. He didn’t come to our county until the year Youqing died.

We were all home when Chunsheng arrived. Before Chunsheng even got to the door the team leader announced him, calling out, “Fugui, Magistrate Liu has come to see you.”

The team leader and Chunsheng both came in.

“It’s Chunsheng, Chunsheng’s here,” I told Jiazhen.

Who could have known that as soon as Jiazhen heard it was Chunsheng, tears would trickle from her eyes? She rushed at Chunsheng, screaming, “Get out!”

I was completely caught off guard by Jiazhen’s reaction and didn’t know what to do. The team leader got anxious.

“How can you talk like that to Magistrate Liu?” he demanded.

But Jiazhen couldn’t have cared less about all that. Screaming through her tears, she cried, “You give me back my Youqing!”

Chunsheng shook his head and said to Jiazhen, “This is a little token of my regard.”

Chunsheng tried to hand some money to Jiazhen, but she wouldn’t even look at it. Lunging at him again, she shouted, “Leave! Get out!”

The team leader rushed over to Jiazhen to keep her from Chunsheng.