Yu Hua - To Live

“They took my lambs and slaughtered them,” he whimpered. “They killed both of them.”

Youqing was depressed for a good couple of days. He woke up early each morning, but there was no longer any need for him to run to school. I watched him pacing back and forth in front of our hut, not knowing what to do. Normally, basket in hand, he would have been off to cut grass. When it was time to eat, Jiazhen only needed to call him once and he would come right in and sit down at the table. After eating he’d put on his backpack and go out of his way to stop by the lamb pen before listlessly heading toward school.

All of the village lambs were slaughtered and eaten. Only the three oxen’s lives were spared because they were needed to plough the fields. Even the grain supply was almost gone. The team leader made several trips to the commune to get some food, each time bringing ten young men with him. The men brought shoulder poles to carry the food back on. Those ten men with their ten poles left ready to carry a mountain of gold back with them, yet each time they returned, all they had in hand were their poles. They hadn’t even gotten their hands on a single grain of rice. After the team leader returned for the last time, he announced, “From tomorrow on, the dining hall will be closed. Everybody better hurry up and go into town to buy pots. It’ll be just like before: Every family will cook for themselves.”

Back when all this had started, all it took was one word from the team leader and we had all smashed our pots, and now with another word from him we all had to go buy new ones. The dining hall divided up the remaining grain according to how many people were in each family. The grain our family got would be enough for only three days. It was a good thing that the rice in the fields would be ready for harvest in a month. No matter what, we should be able to hold out for one month.

When the other villagers went down to the fields to work, they started to keep track of work points. 5I was considered a strong worker, so they gave me ten points. If Jiazhen hadn’t gotten sick she would have had eight points, but once she got sick she could only do light work and so had to settle for four. It was a good thing that Fengxia had grown up. Compared with the other women, Fengxia was considered very strong, so she was allocated seven points a day.

Jiazhen was upset that she only got half as many points as she could have gotten. She couldn’t get over it. A couple of times she went to the team leader and told him she knew she was sick but she was still able to do heavy labor. She said, “Wait until I really can’t work, and then give me four points.”

After giving her request some thought, the team leader agreed and said to her, “Okay, get back to cutting the rice.”

Jiazhen grabbed her sickle and went down to the rice field. At first she worked really fast, and as I watched I wondered if the doctor could have been mistaken. But then after a swing of the sickle she began to shake. She took a second swing and her movements grew noticeably slower. I walked over and asked her, “Can you handle it?”

Her face covered in sweat, she straightened herself up and grumbled at me, “You do your own work. What the hell did you come over here for?”

She was afraid that my going over would attract other people’s attention.

“You’ve got to take care not to overexert yourself,” I said.

She started to get frustrated and said, “Hurry up and get away from here.”

Shaking my head, I had no choice but to walk away. Not long after I left I heard a thump coming from where she was. Thinking it didn’t sound good, I raised my head and saw that Jiazhen had fallen down. I walked over to her, and although she had gotten up, her legs continued to tremble. When she had fallen she’d grazed her head on the sickle, cutting open her forehead; blood was seeping out. She gazed at me with a forced smile. I picked her up and piggybacked her home without saying a word. She didn’t resist, but after getting part of the way home, Jiazhen began to cry.

“Fugui, will you still be able to take care of yourself?” she asked.

“I will,” I said.

Jiazhen gave up after that. Although she was depressed about those four work points, she was able to get some comfort from the fact that she could still support herself.

After Jiazhen got sick, things became even harder for Fengxia. She had to do the same amount of work in the fields as before, but even more at home. It was a good thing that she was still young. By night she’d be exhausted, but after a good night’s rest she’d have strength and energy. Youqing began to help out with our small, private plot of land. One day at dusk, as I was coming home from work, Youqing called out to me from our yard. I went over to him and, rubbing the handle of his hoe and lowering his head, he said, “I learned a whole lot of characters.”

“Good,” I replied.

He raised his head and looked at me for a moment, adding, “I’ve learned enough to use my whole life.”

I thought, this kid’s really got a big mouth. Not really paying attention to what he was saying, I told him, “You’ve got to continue studying hard.”

It was only then that he finally said what was really on his mind. “I don’t want to study anymore.”

As soon as I heard this my face dropped.

“No way,” I said.

Actually I had already thought about letting Youqing drop out, but I had given this idea up because of Jiazhen. If Youqing stopped going to school, Jiazhen would think it was because of her sickness. I said to Youqing, “If you don’t study hard, I’ll kill you!”

I regretted it a bit after I said it. It was only because of his family that he wanted to give up school. This kid was only twelve years old and already so sensitive, it made me both happy and uncomfortable. I realized that I would have to start being more careful about scolding him and hitting him. That day I went into town to sell firewood, and on the way home I bought Youqing five fen worth of candy. This was the first time that I had bought anything for my son. I felt I should show Youqing that I loved him.

Carrying a pole on my shoulder, I went into Youqing’s school. The school was made up of only two buildings, and the kids were inside muttering and babbling as they studied. As I approached one building I saw Youqing. He was in the classroom all the way at the end, where a woman teacher stood at the blackboard talking about something or other. I stood outside the window and saw Youqing, but the second I laid eyes on him I began to lose my temper. This kid wasn’t even studying! He was throwing something at the kid in front of him. We had given Fengxia away so he could have the opportunity to get an education, and even then, with Jiazhen as sick as she was, I still hadn’t let him drop out. All the while, here he was jolly and gay, running off to school to screw around. I was so angry that I couldn’t even think straight. I threw down my pole, rushed into the classroom and slapped Youqing in the face. Only after I hit him did Youqing see me. He was so scared his face turned white. I said, “You really piss the hell out of me!”

Yelling like that made Youqing tremble, and I slapped him again. Scared completely senseless, Youqing drew his body back. Then the teacher rushed over.

“Who the hell are you?” she demanded. “This is a school, not your home in the countryside.”

“I’m his father!” I answered.

I was so mad that my voice was especially loud. The teacher also started to lose her temper.

“What kind of father are you?” she said sharply. “Get out! You’re more like a fascist or even the Nationalists!”

I didn’t know what a fascist was, but the Nationalists I knew. She was insulting me. No wonder Youqing didn’t study hard — he had a teacher who insulted people.