Nicholson Baker - Checkpoint

JAY: I know it’s huge.

BEN: It’s so big that there are no insiders because the inside is all around us. That’s the thing. You need a fair amount of condensing and distilling and sheer forgetting to go on before historians like me can get to work.

JAY: Yeah, yeah.

BEN: But that’s not the real problem. For me the real problem is that if I worked on Now rather than working on Then I’d have to type these names all the time. Day after day I’d have to be typing “Dennis Hastert” or “Richard Perle.” “Tom DeLay.” They’re so familiar. They’re for journalists. Much more pleasant to type “Stuart Symington” or “Harry Hopkins” or “John Foster Dulles.” You see?

JAY: It’s an escape.

BEN: Sure it is! Of course it is! I don’t want to have to think about William Kristol any more than I have to. That sad sickly smile on TV. I want to think about Herman Kahn. He’s dead, he can’t do any more harm.

JAY: Who’s Herman Kahn?

BEN: Oh, a civil defense nut.

JAY: You could at least map the old onto the new.

BEN: Well, you know, the weird thing about this administration, actually, is that the big guys in it are historical figures already. They’ve lurched back to life.

JAY: Like Cheney.

BEN: Cheney was part of the Nixon White House; so was Rumsfeld. You can go to the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library and ask to see the Cheney papers. They’re there.

JAY: It’s as if these rusted hulks, these zombies, have fought their way back up out of the peat bogs where they’ve been lying, and they’re stumbling around with grubs scurrying in and out of their noses and they’re going “We — are — your — advisers.”

BEN: Precisely.

JAY: I mean they’re there, physically in the White House, making decisions — Dick Cheney! Oh, he’s hunched, man, the corruption has completely hunched and gnarled him. His mouth is pulled totally over on one side of his face. It’s really—

BEN: And around him are all those freshfaced little Republicans.

JAY: Yes, yes, the applecheeked boys with their cruel mouths, starstruck, I swear they fall in love with these drugstore cowboys. George W. Bush, J. Danforth Quayle. Surrounded by fawners who want to Serve Our Leader. Soon they’re going to discover some hormonal thing that leads to right-wing behavior, some very specific deficiency combined with an overdose. You end up mean-spirited, with a high, whiny voice.

BEN: Like Newt.

JAY: Or Orrin Hatch. Or what’s his name, Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf. And the thing I can’t figure is, military men seem to want to spend their lives living with other men. Can you make any sense of it? They’re out there on some desolate airbase in the middle of nowhere, protecting some future pipeline — eating with other men, shaving with other men. And then actually defecating with other men.

BEN: It’s a puzzler.

JAY: Shitting with them, day after day after day! How can they endure it?

BEN: I guess it’s like professional football.

JAY: Excuse me for a second, I’ve got to take a dump.

BEN: Sure.

JAY: No, I’m just kidding.

BEN: Oh, I see.

JAY: And then they stand in the briefing rooms tapping a stick on a map. “These, gentlemen, are our targets of opportunity.”

BEN: Yeah, the Democrats—

JAY: And then it begins, the flyovers, and people get hurt. Bombing “campaigns.”

BEN: The Democrats do seem more real, somehow. Not all of them. But guys like Barney Frank.

JAY: Barney Frank is great.

BEN: He’s articulate, he’s funny. I love the guy.

JAY: He’s a normal human being.

BEN: Well, and coming from a person such as yourself, that’s quite an endorsement.

JAY: Haven’t you ever thought about killing somebody? Haven’t you?

BEN: Yeah… but not. Not. But yeah.

JAY: Okay, then.

BEN: Well, what about Dick Cheney? Are we going to kill him, too?

JAY: We certainly should.

BEN: He’s smarter, he’s more corrupt, by which I mean he’s had more time to capitalize on

his corruptions, he’s wrecked military procure-

ment—

JAY: But what do you mean, “we”? That’s what you said: “Are we going to kill him?”

BEN: Yeah, well, by “we” I mean “you.”

JAY: Oh, I see.

BEN: You know, of course, that Cheney tried to block the Freedom of Information Act back when Ford was president? The man is a classic intelligence hack, working to keep everything quiet. There’s a nice photograph of him and Rumsfeld together when they were both on staff for Gerald Ford. Rumsfeld’s chin was even bigger then.

JAY: Fucking Bobbseys. Cheney was CIA, surely, he has that look.

BEN: Oh, maybe, who knows? Actually, Cheney’s first job in Washington was working for Rumsfeld at the Office of Economic Opportunity — Johnson set that up to help poor people. Then Nixon took over and he went, “We’ll show those poor people, heh heh,” and he put Don Rumsfeld in charge of it. And Rumsfeld kind of got into it. Then later, Rumsfeld and Cheney got extremely rich. Rumsfeld made his bundle when he got the FDA to approve NutraSweet.

JAY: Economic opportunity.

BEN: But no, see, the thing about Cheney is that he’s the one. He’s the guy who bombed Iraq back in 1991. He and Father Bush tore up those people with cluster bombs, pounded the power stations, the water plants.

JAY: They’re responsible.

BEN: The targeting was immoral, and then most of the bombs missed the targets anyways. Sometimes they fell in the sand, sometimes they fell on a house. Not just that one shelter where a hundred cowering civilians died, but over and over.

JAY: And then the years of sanctions.

BEN: Madeleine Albright, God of mercy, that woman! And Clinton goes ahead and does it all over again in Belgrade, with the cluster bombs. Unbelievable. A Rhodes scholar.

JAY: And they know that they’re killing innocent people. I remember last year, at the start of this war, that very first day I think it was, General Barry Mc — McArthur?

BEN: McCaffrey.

JAY: General Barry McCaffrey, that animal, was on one of the networks as a color commentator, and he himself said, right on network TV, he said, We know we’re going to have civilian casualties, because we know that ten percent of the bombs don’t go where they’re supposed to. It’s built in to their statistics.

BEN: Well, in the first Gulf War it wasn’t anything like ten percent, because we were getting rid of all those old munitions — sixty percent of the dumb bombs missed, sixty percent. It was a big waste disposal project — the Persian Gulf was the landfill. You dump the expired bombs so that you have to order up fresh new ones. Did you ever by any chance read Crusade ?

JAY: No, no.

BEN: Well, it’s a history of the first Gulf War. There’s a moment in there — it’s by a guy who writes for the Post, and he interviewed a ton of people — there’s a moment in there that sums up the whole war, the futility of it.

JAY: What is it?

BEN: This battleship is stationed somewhere off the coast of Kuwait. So it shells the coast and it shells the coast, and then the assessment people fly over and they say, Okay, you’re done, you’ve totally destroyed everything that needs to be destroyed, mission accomplished, you can stop your shelling now, nice job. And the captain of the ship goes to somebody, I think he went to Schwarzkopf, and he says, “General, my ship is due for scrapping. This is its last moment of glory. When we go home all the old shells we have on board will have to be decommissioned, and that’ll be very expensive. So what do you say?” And so Schwarzkopf, or whoever it is, goes, “Okay, sure.” And so the ship sits in the water lobbing more shells into Kuwait, blowing up stuff that’s already been blown up fifty times over.