Nicholson Baker - House of Holes

“Your fingers feel good. So long since what?”

“Since I’ve held a really nice big cock. I went out with a boy in college for about a month. He was big. Not this big, though. Uh. It’s so heavy. I’m going to stop now though. Self-control. I have something for you.”

“Your mouth?”

“No, here.” She handed Dave a flash drive. “This is the movie I made of myself last night.”

“Great, we’ll pop into the Porndecahedron and watch it. I’m signed up for a block of time.” Dave readjusted his clothes, and they walked out into the sunlight squinting and shading their eyes and smiling at each other.

“I’m so horny I can barely walk,” Chilli said, giggling. “Where is this filthy Frigahedron?”

“Right through here,” said Dave. At the upload station he keyed in his password and loaded Chilli’s movie into his playlist. “I warn you, this is pretty immersive. It may just be too much for you. All I’ve got on this playlist is women making themselves come. Plus a few titty cumshots to spice the mix. I love those.”

“That’s okay. I’ll be a part of it. I want to see what you do when you watch me.”

Dave got them a pack of Red Vines and opened a door, and they walked into the staging area and sat together in a tandem chair. Once Chilli had gotten herself buckled in, they were lifted up into the center of the Porndecahedron. Dave tapped a button on his handrest and they started watching. There were movies above them and below them and on all sides, and all the soundtracks merged and mingled and were confusingly present, although some people muted all but one of them or overlaid a music track. “So this is it, huh?” she said. “She looks like she’s enjoying it. Oh my goodness, that’s a lot of sperm. Don’t you find this a bit overwhelming?”

“Hell, I could probably handle twenty-four screens,” said Dave. He was biting his lips, watching, his eyes ping-ponging around from clip to clip. “I love the way she moves her knees,” he said.

“Now that woman looks sexy to me,” Chilli said, pointing off to the left. “Whoa, was that her orgasm? She really came hard.”

Then Dave spotted Chilli’s face. It was on one of the screens just above his head and to the right. “There you are!” he said.

“Where? Uh-oh. This is incredibly embarassing.”

“No, it’s not, it’s beautiful. Is that your living room?” On the screen, Chilli was taking off her shirt and undoing her bra and looking at herself in the mirror of her laptop screen. “You are so sexy! Jesus. Mmm. I’m going to have to do some serious edging. I hope you don’t mind.”

“You’re going to bring your charley horse out right now?”

“Yeah, and I wish you would liberate your clit, too. Just set it free.”

“But then I’d be masturbating to a film of myself mas-turbating.”

“Exactly, and you’ll enjoy it, too. Don’t miss this opportunity to get serious with your entire cunt. It wants your attention.”

“That’s true,” she said.

Dave angled out his Malcolm Gladwell.

“Ooh, you’ve got it out again,” she said. “Can I hold it for a second, just the head of it? Oof.”

He leaned back. “I don’t want to come right yet, though. But, oh gosh, you’re so so pretty up on the twelvemo screen. Look at that, you’re so lusciously nasty with yourself. This is fantastic.” In her movie, Chilli was holding her legs open with her elbows, and she was gripping one hand with the other and stuffing three fingers inside herself.

“I am getting down and dirty, aren’t I?”

“And your eyes, look at your eyes, look at that fucky sex blur in your eyes.”

“This is where I came, I think,” she said. “Yep, that’s how I come.”

“You are ridiculously hot, wait, don’t move your hand on my cock, don’t move even a quarter of an inch or I’ll spunk ham juice out everywhere, oh, oh, so close, let it work its way down — Zen, Zen, whooooooooo.”

“But I want you to come.”

“Not here,” said Dave. “I’ve seen too much porn. I need to escape. I need nature. I want to come in your field with your pussy shoved in my face.”

“I can’t do that,” said Chilli.

“No? Under the clouds in the sex field?”

“Well, okay,” she said. “Briefly.”

“Goody, just press stop on your handrest there.”

The tandem chair lowered to the staging area, and they walked out.

“I’ll get the blanket,” said Dave.

“Hurry, because I’m here leaking right down my leg,” said Chilli.

She and Dave had a breathless run — it felt like an escape — out of House of Holes territory and on through the briars and the bushes to the sex field.

“We can go back close to where you were yesterday,” Chilli said, “but a little ways back. It’s private.”

Dave spread out the blanket over what Chilli noticed was an old dry hole in the ground. Probably a mole hole, she thought. Then she thought, Hmmm. She sat splaylegged on the blanket, and Dave brought out his massive, porn-maddened spunk-spewer. “Let me just stare at it,” she said.

Very lightly and respectfully she touched it, as if less pressure made for less of a marital infraction.

“Can I fuck you right here on this blanket?” asked Dave.

“No, you absolutely cannot fuck me, no,” she said. “But you can fuck my field. Stuff a bit of the blanket down that mole hole and then put your big cock in it. I want to watch your assbuns clench. Drive your cock into my field. Root yourself. I need to show you my whole pussy now. You want to see it?”

She scooted so that Dave’s face, when he arched his neck up, was inches from her cuntgash. He listened to the luscious squelching at close range as she pulled the folds away from her clit. He closed and opened his eyes, and each time he opened them her succulent stovetop filled his vision, being stretched one way and another by her questing and well-practiced fingers. Supporting himself on his one arm, he guided his dick into the prickly wool of the blanket. He sank in deep. “I’m fucking the hole,” Dave said, and he saw her gaze travel to his assclenching maximus cheeks.

She said, “Here’s all of me, Dave, nurse on my big clit so I can come.” He smelled her radiating vadge, and then, opening his soft lips, he slopped and slobbered his whole face into her pussy. He rolled his eyes up to look at her. Her head was thrown back. She was feeling good. He smiled into her pussy and then took a breath. “Look up at these great clouds,” he said, “while I suck your pussy and fuck the planet earth.”

Chilli breathed. “I love this,” she said. She looked down at Dave’s mouth at her lettuce patch and watched his tongue do its wonderful work. “Edge us as close as you can, loverman.”

Dave said, “Gluddle-luddle-luddle-luddle-luddle-luddle-luddle, mmmm.”

“Take it out of the earth and milk your huge cock off for me. I want to see it. Please milk it off.”

Dave pulled out of the crumbling earth hole and knelt close to her. “Here you go, sweet woman,” he said. “Haaahh!” Five days’ worth of sperm flowered out all over her stomach and breasts.

“Now me,” Chilli said. “Jab that wicked tongue back inside me — that’s the way.” She held his head and moved her cuntal hand in slow connoisseurial ovals, and then, making her fingers rigid, she DJ’d herself, as if her clit was a scratch record. “Nnnnn, nnnn,” she said, frowning down at her frigging self. Her hips lifted off the blanket. “Oh, that’s good! Oh, shit, Dave, I’m a pornstar! Oh, juice it, juice it, I’M COMING!”

Ned the golfer had incurred terrible debts at the House of Holes, and he was called into the main office. “Let’s see your body, please,” said Lila.