Julie Schumacher: Dear Committee Members

In any event, I did ultimately locate the elusive Glenk, who, after wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve, refused to confirm or deny the existence of his LOR on Browles’s behalf. In case he sends or has sent a letter, allow me to provide some context for it: Glenk is a merciless and vengeful chucklehead — an Eliot scholar suffering from the delusion that he is a poet, though he hasn’t written a word of any significance for a dozen years.

Eleanor, I appeal to you: Darren Browles doesn’t need three LORs, and his “Bartleby” novel needn’t be subject to the sordid aspersions of a cretin like Glenk. Don’t let him be punished for my lack of popularity among my colleagues, present or past. (I include the word “past” to encompass any rivalry or unpleasantness between the two of us during the Seminar; our personal discord has no bearing on Browles, and I’d like to spare him the politicized trauma of our earlier years.)

Seeking to bury the hatchet or at least dull its blade,

Jay

P.S. (to Eleanor): Speaking of our Seminar years, I got a letter from Troy Larpenteur last week — resurfaced at last, somewhere in Ohio. His tone was cautiously upbeat, but I suspect he has been unwell for a very long time. He needs a recommendation, of course. Do you know if he’s been in touch with anyone else? Would Madelyne TV have kept track of him?

ITech Solutions

271 Riverview Way

Dubuque, Iowa 52003

Attention: Maxine Wells

Dear Ms. Wells,

I am overjoyed by the opportunity to recommend Mr. Duffy Napp to your firm. Mr. Napp currently serves as the sole remaining member of what used to be the “Tech Help team” in our Department of English, and he clearly suffers under the burden of our collective ignorance. Mr. Napp demonstrates all the winsome ebullience one expects these days from a young person more inclined to socialize with machines rather than human beings. His approach to problem solving is characterized by sullenness punctuated by occasional brief bouts of good judgment.

Whatever I can do to assist in your — or any other firm’s — hiring of Mr. Napp I will accomplish with resolution and zeal.

Hopefully, and with fingers crossed,

Jason T. Fitger

Professor of Creative Writing and English

Gar Canfield

Zentex Corporation

8591 Taylor Boulevard

Panama, Ohio 45807

Dear Mr. Canfield,

This letter very warmly endorses the application of Troy Larpenteur, who has informed me of his desire to secure a position as sales associate in the Zentex Corporation.

I have known Troy Larpenteur for twenty-three years: we attended graduate school together. Troy was widely acknowledged to be one of the most gifted and original writers to pass through the infamous Seminar under the tutelage of H. Reginald Hanf. (If you don’t know Hanf’s work: please head straight to the library or bookstore — I give you leave to put this letter aside and come back to it later — to find a copy of Testimony in Red , a finalist for the National Book Award, which, in the absence of cronyism among the judges that year, would have won.)

Though he appears not to have mentioned it on his résumé, Troy Larpenteur published a brilliant lyrical novella called Second Mind , which was showered with praise but underappreciated, as are many pathbreaking works; it is now out of print. Subsequently he labored for the better part of a decade on his magnum opus, a novel, which was lost along with his pregnant wife when the cabin lent to them by a friend, a cabin in which they were taking a long-awaited vacation, was struck by lightning during a storm. The randomness of his wife Navia’s death — the vacation had been urged upon them; Troy had driven to the store for supplies before the storm’s scheduled arrival; the car got a flat tire and Troy stumbled back down the flooded road to find the cabin in flames — defeated his belief in art and quelled his aspirations. He never returned to the novel. He moved to India, where Navia had spent her early childhood, and wiped himself off the grid for a dozen years.

You may be searching this letter for references to Troy’s “relevant experience.” (Troy asked me to limit myself in this recommendation to the qualities and attributes that will make him an asset to your firm.) Let me suggest that, no matter the variety of employment, there is nothing more relevant or crucial than an aptitude for original thought and imaginative expression. When I think back twenty-three years to the sight of Troy across from me at the Seminar table, his hair looking as if he had slept on the floor of the library by the vending machines (he usually had), his face alight with intelligence and anticipation, I believe the best years of my life will be the ones in which I had the privilege of hearing him read his work aloud to our group. Even HRH — Professor Hanf — fell silent when Troy slid his pages from the battered portmanteau in which he liked to keep his writing; we waited on tenterhooks, knowing that whatever Troy read would alter something within us, changing the way in which we understood language and its cumulative power, the way it made our lives feel capacious, infusing us each week during our three- or four-hour-long sessions with the sensation that we were at long last about to apprehend … what? Unlike many of his peers, myself included, Troy was free of egoism. He cared about his work, and others’ work, as opposed to “success.” He was, and remains, an intellectually nimble, brilliant, generous man.

I understand that Troy has applied for the position of sales associate. This is a foreign concept to me: here in the academy we are unaccustomed to salesmanship of any kind, even to the faintest of efforts to make ourselves presentable or attractive to others. Nevertheless I can readily attest to Troy Larpenteur’s seriousness, his quick intelligence, and his kindness. He is not gregarious — I do not envision him cracking jokes by the water cooler — but he is a man of great integrity and depth.

Forgive the meanderings in what should have been a more businesslike letter. (Blaise Pascal: I apologize that my letter is so long; I lacked the time to make it shorter .) I have written more than 1,300 letters of recommendation (I keep precise records), and were it possible I would assemble the many laudatory phrases from this bloated collection and apply them like a poultice to Troy Larpenteur’s pain.

Of course I have failed to do here what he asked of me: I seldom lived up to his example. For reasons I won’t bother to go into now, Troy might once have harbored an unfavorable opinion of me, but he is too generous. I will be forever in his debt.

Please hire this exceptional man, whose many fine qualities must surely find an appreciative home in your corporation.

Sincerely,

Jason T. Fitger

Professor of Creative Writing and English

Author, Stain; Alphabetical Stars; Save Me for Later; and Transfer of Affection

Carole Samarkind, Associate Director

Student Services/Fellowship Office

14 Gilbert Hall

Dear Carole — and Relevant Committee Members,

Pa Vang has requested that I support her application to Payne’s Students of Distinction Fellowship Fund. A cursory glance at her transcript, with its tidy, monotonous fishing line of A’s, should suffice to recommend her. All I have to add is that she is as bright in person as she is on paper; she has not accumulated her perfect scores by fraudulent or suspicious means; and she appears to be a pleasant human being. (I am of the opinion that pleasantness is immaterial, but I am aware of brilliant but “difficult” students who have been denied funds.)