Tao Lin - Eeeee Eee Eeee

“What if one of us started crying,” Andrew says loudly.

“I’m going to Seattle tomorrow,” Steve says. Didn’t hear. Music’s too loud. Or did he? Doesn’t matter. Steve will go to Seattle and never come back. Sara in New York City, Steve in Seattle. Andrew alone in a tree fort, feeling sorry for himself. The mother squirrel staring at an acorn, disillusioned. The little sisters grown up and depressed, sarcastic high-fives in the living room. The balloon, smacking Steve’s face. The balloon.

They go to Denny’s.

“I need a wife,” Steve says in a booth.

“I need … I don’t know. I knead bread.”

“We’d go on a shopping spree,” Steve says. “Then she’d leave me and I’d go on a killing spree.”

Sara, married; she’s probably married by now. “Remember when the balloon slapped your face?”

“I’m going to kill them,” Steve says. “I will never kill anyone.”

Sara, laughing marriedly. “Remember …” Sara Tealsden. Stop thinking about Sara. “When I said, ‘remember when the balloon slapped your face?’ ”

“Yeah,” Steve says.

“What if your sisters marry each other?”

“We should start a band,” Steve says.

Steve in Seattle, drinking coffee with his dad. Steve’s dad, screaming. Doesn’t make sense.

“We will never start a band,” Andrew says. “I want to start a band called ‘Lesbian Incest.’ ” He feels stupid.

“What the fuck is a ‘Jhumpa Lahiri?’ ” Steve says.

“I don’t know. I told you about her. Didn’t I tell you about her?”

“Yeah,” Steve says. “Still. What the fuck is a Jhumpa Lahiri?”

“I don’t know. A person.”

“It’s not a person,” Steve says.

The waitress comes, a girl they knew from high school. Andrew doesn’t remember her name. They pretend they don’t know one another. They order quickly; she leaves. She has gotten fat. Working at Denny’s. Her life is over. If Sara worked at Denny’s Andrew would smile. Andrew works at Domino’s, a more cutting-edge version of Pizza Hut. He should quit. He wants to quit his life like a job. He is writing a book of stories about people who are doomed. He will never commit suicide. He will never kill anyone, start a band, or commit suicide. His girlfriend in college once tried to commit suicide. Then she published a book. Andrew needs to publish a book. Publishing a book will not make him feel less fucked. He cries a little some nights. He worked in a library and a movie theatre in New York City and now works at Domino’s, and cries a little some nights. His parents moved to Germany. Germany is a more cutting-edge version of China, maybe.

“I forgot her name,” Steve says.

“Starts with an S.” No, that’s Sara. “Uh, she was in my English class.” Mrs. Poole had a bald spot. They put Rogaine brochures on her desk and she pretended it never happened. Sara liked that story. Andrew told her in the tree. He said he wanted to give Mrs. Poole a hug, and three wishes. What else, Sara said. A golden tiara, Andrew said. Sara laughed and said she liked Mrs. Poole. Andrew said he liked Mrs. Poole, then felt depressed and couldn’t speak anymore. Sara’s Popsicle was depressed. His was green. “Starts with an F.” Should’ve thrown it at her; danced nimbly in the tree. “I don’t know. I just made that up. I have no idea.” No future. “I have no future.”

“I don’t want to think about this shit,” Steve says.

“Neither do I. It’s depressing.” And a waste of time. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Seeing my dad,” Steve says. “In Seattle.”

“Oh yeah. For how long?” Steve’s dad, screaming.

“One week or something. I can’t wait.”

“You really want to see him? When people get enthusiastic I feel like they’re being sarcastic. I hate that.”

“I sounded enthusiastic?” Steve says.

“Not really. I don’t know. You sounded strange.”

“I wasn’t being sarcastic,” Steve says. “I don’t really want to see my dad though. Um, I think I meant I can’t wait to not have to raise my siblings for one week.”

“I can’t process what you just said.”

“Neither can I,” Steve says.

“Good.”

“I feel good,” Steve says.

“Wait. Aren’t your sisters going with you? Who will feed them?”

“Oh yeah,” Steve says. “They are coming with me.”

Andrew wants to go too. Andrew and Steve, in Seattle, burying Steve’s dad in the side yard.

“Wait, no,” Steve says. “Ellen is feeding them.”

“What if she kills them instead?” Ellen on a depressed rampage, quietly murdering things.

“She’s taking summer school to make friends,” Steve says. “She has no friends.”

“I just thought about going to Seattle with you and murdering your dad. And I keep imagining your dad screaming.”

The waitress walks by. She looks depressed and confused. She looks directly at Steve for some reason. She walks by again, confused. She has gained weight and given up on life. She gave up on life then gained a lot of weight. They happened simultaneously, like in a nightmare.

“Why does she hate me?” Steve says. “I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. Why doesn’t she have a nametag? I’m angry. I can’t sleep tonight.”

“She’s trying to subvert the Denny’s Corporation. She’s against capitalism.”

“I’m going to subvert her face with a lead pipe,” Steve says.

“I hate faces.” Except Sara’s. Every face should be Sara’s face. That would be scary. If aliens looked like Sara Andrew would hug them and feel calm. Aliens should look like Sara. Andrew should look like Sara. Then Sara would look like Andrew and things would be reversed. The waitress comes back. Steve stares at Andrew. Andrew stares at Steve. Steve has three siblings; 4, 7, and 16, or something. Steve’s father left. Andrew wishes Steve were Sara. Why not? The waitress is here with no food or anything. Andrew glances at her face. She looks cutting-edge. Her eyes are a little wet but very clear and pretty. She’s not as confused anymore. Her life is not over, after all. Not yet. Soon. She takes the ketchup.

“What a fucking bitch,” Steve says, and moves his water to where the salt and pepper are. “I feel like Snoop Dog. Is this what Snoop Dog feels like?” Steve. Andrew likes Steve. He also likes Sara. Sara called people motherfuckers. It made Andrew smile. She did it on purpose sometimes, to make Andrew smile. Andrew would always think about what she did or said and understand that she was very interesting. One time standing in a bookstore she bit Andrew’s shoulder and Andrew bled. One time she called the register guy at Duane Reade a motherfucker. What? the guy said. Nothing , Sara said. The guy’s face was blank. He worked at Duane Reade. He was a young black man. A motherfucker. Andrew had to run away to laugh; he ran into an aisle and laughed. Sara pushed him and he fell on a shampoo bottle and it hurt. They came to Florida and climbed a tree. One time in a bookstore she bit Andrew’s shoulder and Andrew fell on the floor. Denny’s is comparable to Domino’s, probably. What is Denny’s a more cutting-edge version of? Depressing waste of time. Steve is talking about casinos. He wants to start a Jawbreaker cover band, play in casinos. Mass grave behind a casino. Steve on TV with a lead pipe, I’m going to kill her . Reporters, Who? Steve, Jhumpa Lahiri . Sara, laughing. Snoop Dog, stoned.

“When people are winning money they want to hear sad songs,” Steve says. “They want to know even with a lot of money they’ll still be alone.” He sneezes. “That makes no sense. What if it did, though. Then we’d play Jawbreaker songs in casinos. My plane is going to crash tomorrow.”