Tao Lin - Eeeee Eee Eeee

“Stupid,” says one of the other dolphins.

And throws a smoke bomb.

When the smoke clears there are many bears and no dolphins.

A bears throws a smoke bomb on the floor.

When the smoke clears there is one dolphin. The dolphin slaps Andrew’s face, throws a smoke bomb; smoke clears and there is the first bear. Andrew looks at the bear, who is taller than Andrew.

“Are you okay?” the bear says.

Andrew touches his cheek.

It’s swollen.

“Are you okay?” the bear says.

“I’m okay,” Andrew says. “Are you okay?”

The bear looks at Andrew.

The bear kneels and opens a trapdoor.

There is another ladder.

The bear points at it.

Andrew feels bored.

“No, wait,” Andrew says.

“What,” the bear says.

“I already did that before.”

“There’s two more,” the bear says.

“I know,” Andrew says. “I already went. Uh, the squirrels.”

“Hamsters,” the bear says.

“I forgot. But I went; do you believe me. The hamsters are sad.”

“Go again,” the bear says.

“Go again.”

“Go again,” the bear says. “It’ll be fun.”

“Do you have a name?” Andrew says. “Do bears have names?”

“Andrew,” says the bear.

Andrew feels nervous. “I’m Andrew.”

“My name is Andrew,” the bear says.

“No,” Andrew says.

“Uh, yes,” the bear says.

“Oh,” Andrew says.

“Go again,” the bear says. “We’ll have fun.”

“How will it be fun?”

“We are both named Andrew,” the bear says. “I don’t know.”

“Your name isn’t Andrew,” Andrew says.

“My name is Andrew,” the bear says. “What the fuck?”

“I don’t know,” Andrew says. “I’m stupid. I feel stupid.”

“Let’s go,” the bear says.

“How will it be fun?”

The bear scratches the wall and stares at Andrew.

The bear looks at Andrew.

The bear points at the corridor they came from.

Andrew walks there and stands there.

The bear pushes Andrew a little.

Andrew walks through the corridor they came from.

He glances at the nook without moving his neck; there are two aliens standing on a moose.

The moose’s head is covered with a blanket.

Andrew keeps walking; the bear is behind him.

He makes it to where the ladder is and stands there.

“The next time I have to point I’ll also punch you in your face,” the bear says. “And eat you.”

“Do it,” Andrew says.

The bear makes a fist, slowly moves the fist to Andrew’s face, touches Andrew’s face with the knuckles, with its other hand holds the back of Andrew’s head and slowly smushes Andrew’s face into the knuckles of its hand that it had slowly moved toward then touched the front of Andrew’s face with; the hand is furry.

“Stop,” Andrew says.

The bear stops.

“Do it for real,” Andrew says.

The bear punches the air by Andrew’s head.

“Do it with good aim,” Andrew says. “And with eating. You said ‘and eat you.’ ”

The bear climbs up the ladder.

“Do it with a free laptop computer,” Andrew says. “Or I’ll kill you.”

The bear climbs down and stares at Andrew.

“There’s nothing to do,” the bear says.

“I know,” Andrew says.

The bear looks at Andrew.

“Why were there statues of the president?” Andrew says.

“Life is stupid,” the bear says.

“I hate life more than you do.”

“No,” the bear says.

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Yeah.”

“No,” the bear says and disappears.

Andrew stands there.

Then climbs up the ladder and walks to his car.

The door and the top are back.

Andrew opens the door and the door falls on the street.

He drives out of ‘Windy Brook.’ The top of the car falls on the street. Why did Joanna become very happy after exiting the car? Don’t think about it. Start a band with Steve, if his plane doesn’t crash. Romantically pursue Joanna’s sister, Ashley, under the pretense of needing a bass player. Don’t strategize. Just get her number after fourteen days and start a band under the pretense, somehow, of a killing rampage. E-mail, phone-number, marriage. Martial arts, deer, nothingness. A band can make Andrew happy. Every song will be depressing, which will make Andrew happy. It is not impossible to be happy. One song will be about U-turns. ‘Allegorical.’ ‘Profound.’ When Steve comes back from New York City they will start a band. They’ll ‘screw around’ for two hours then feel depressed and go to Denny’s. (“Remember when my mom died?”) They’ll ‘jam’ for ten minutes and feel bored, and fucked. The word ‘jam’ embarrasses Andrew a little. ‘Screw around.’ Andrew needs to go back to Denny’s and apologize. He’ll throw a wad of cash at the doomed waitress then apologize sincerely. He will not overturn a table. He’ll blame Steve. Steve will go to jail. Use fake names. Thomas ran away, not me. I got caught up in the moment . Use clichés of language and fake names; give the cash in a manila envelope, smile contritely, apologize sincerely, use one or two clichés of language. Gotta run, don’t spend it all in one place . It’s 9 p.m. Do it tonight? Andrew is better, as a person, at night. In daylight he feels like a bad actor in an independent movie, about to go on a melodramatic killing spree.

At home Andrew writes “Sorry” on an envelope. Below that, “For Real.” On another envelope he writes “Really Sorry” and puts two twenties in. Sounds sarcastic. On another, “Sincerely Sorry,” moves the twenties. The alliteration is too commercial. Writes “Sorry.” Moves the twenties. Andrew feels sorry for the twenties. At least they are a pair. The twenties are in love. Andrew is jealous.

He drives to and parks behind Denny’s, turns off the car. I made a fucking U-turn . If Sara were here they’d walk around giving away envelopes containing mystery things. One envelope would have three wishes, and it would be real. In the morning they would climb a tree. There will always be the absence of Sara. There will always be the sad martial arts champion. In the distance there are apartments. There are trees, storage places, a few moose. There is a bear riding a moose like a horse. There is a retirement home with a fence and a moat around it. The fence is not enough. They need the moat in addition to the fence. One manager is not enough. (“Don’t rape her.”) The sad manager. The sad manager is fucked. Andrew as a small boy slept in the same room as his parents and sometimes woke to them having sex on the carpet. They had sex on the carpet instead of the bed. One time Andrew’s mom and dad were fighting in a restaurant. Andrew was seven or eight. His mom was angry that his dad had given her a disease, was how Andrew understood it. Andrew thought it was AIDS. He was crying. He wanted his mom to tell what was wrong because he thought she was going to die. A bear opens Andrew’s passenger door and sits in the passenger seat.

“You lied,” the bear says.

Andrew does not look at the bear.

“Did you lie?” the bear says.

The bear is breathing loudly.

Andrew stares outside.

There is a tree.

The old people’s home.

There will always be the old people’s home.

“You lied,” the bear says. “You lied and made me sad.”

The bear hesitates then leaves.

Andrew’s mom said she would tell if Andrew stopped crying. He stopped crying and felt nervous. She said she would tell in the restroom. In the restroom Andrew felt very small. Andrew’s mom locked the door. She bent over and said in Andrew’s ear that it was herpes — Andrew was looking in the mirror; his eyes were just a little above the counter and he looked at the top part of his head — and that she wouldn’t die. Andrew felt very happy and enjoyed his lunch even while his mom and dad kept fighting so that it was uncomfortable for everyone else in the restaurant. After college Andrew kept his job at the library and got another in a movie theatre. They tricked him at the movie theatre and he lost the job. At the library he began to take two-hour lunch breaks; one day they surrounded him and fired him. He had no money left and went home and lived with his parents in Florida. His mom was keeping things from him, he could tell. She had cancer or something but wouldn’t talk about it. Andrew’s dad was like, Your mom doesn’t want you to know, but I think I should tell you —and Andrew interrupted and said that if his mom didn’t want him to know he shouldn’t know. His dad walked away. Whenever there was partial nudity on TV Andrew’s dad would say, “This isn’t for kids.” Even when Andrew was twenty his dad would tell Andrew not to look. He’d say it in a strange tone that was serious and nervous and his face would look meek.