Rohinton Mistry - Tales From Firozsha Baag

“And Sarosh’s careless words spoken at the party gradually forged themselves into a commitment as much to himself as to his mother and the others. It stayed with him all his years in the new land, reminding him every morning of what must happen at the end of the tenth, as it reminded him now while he descended from his perch.”

Jehangir wished the titters and chortles around him would settle down, he found them annoying. When Nariman structured his sentences so carefully and chose his words with extreme care as he was doing now, Jehangir found it most pleasurable to listen. Sometimes, he remembered certain words Nariman had used, or combinations of words, and repeated them to himself, enjoying again the beauty of their sounds when he went for his walks to the Hanging Gardens or was sitting alone on the stone steps of C Block. Mumbling to himself did nothing to mitigate the isolation which the other boys in the Baag had dropped around him like a heavy cloak, but he had grown used to all that by now.

Nariman continued: “In his own apartment Sarosh squatted barefoot. Elsewhere, if he had to go with his shoes on, he would carefully cover the seat with toilet paper before climbing up. He learnt to do this after the first time, when his shoes had left telltale footprints on the seat. He had had to clean it with a wet paper towel. Luckily, no one had seen him.

“But there was not much he could keep secret about his ways. The world of washrooms is private and at the same time very public. The absence of feet below the stall door, the smell of faeces, the rustle of paper, glimpses caught through the narrow crack between stall door and jamb — all these added up to only one thing: a foreign presence in the stall, not doing things in the conventional way. And if the one outside could receive the fetor of Sarosh’s business wafting through the door, poor unhappy Sarosh too could detect something malodorous in the air: the presence of xenophobia and hostility.”

What a feast, thought Jehangir, what a feast of words! This would be the finest story Nariman had ever told, he just knew it.

“But Sarosh did not give up trying. Each morning he seated himself to push and grunt, grunt and push, squirming and writhing unavailingly on the white plastic oval. Exhausted, he then hopped up, expert at balancing now, and completed the movement quite effortlessly.

“The long morning hours in the washroom created new difficulties. He was late going to work on several occasions, and one such day, the supervisor called him in: ‘Here’s your time-sheet for this month. You’ve been late eleven times. What’s the problem?’ ”

Here, Nariman stopped because his neighbour Rustomji’s door creaked open. Rustomji peered out, scowling, and muttered: “Saala loafers, sitting all evening outside people’s houses, making a nuisance, and being encouraged by grownups at that.”

He stood there a moment longer, fingering the greying chest hair that was easily accessible through his sudra , then went inside. The boys immediately took up a soft and low chant: “Rustomji-the-curmudgeon! Rustomji-the-curmudgeon!”

Nariman help up his hand disapprovingly. But secretly, he was pleased that the name was still popular, the name he had given Rustomji when the latter had refused to pay his share for painting the building. “Quiet, quiet!” said he. “Do you want me to continue or not?”

“Yes, yes!” The chanting died away, and Nariman resumed the story.

“So Sarosh was told by his supervisor that he was coming late to work too often. What could poor Sarosh say?”

“What, Nariman Uncle?” rose the refrain.

“Nothing, of course. The supervisor, noting his silence, continued: ‘If it keeps up, the consequences could be serious as far as your career is concerned.’

“Sarosh decided to speak. He said embarrassedly, ‘It’s a different kind of problem. I … I don’t know how to explain … it’s an immigration-related problem.’

“Now this supervisor must have had experience with other immigrants, because right away he told Sarosh, ‘No problem. Just contact your Immigrant Aid Society. They should be able to help you. Every ethnic group has one: Vietnamese, Chinese — I’m certain that one exists for Indians. If you need time off to go there, no problem. That can be arranged, no problem. As long as you do something about your lateness, there’s no problem.’ That’s the way they talk over there, nothing is ever a problem.

“So Sarosh thanked him and went to his desk. For the umpteenth time he bitterly rued his oversight. Could fate have plotted it, concealing the western toilet behind that shroud of anxieties which had appeared out of nowhere to beset him just before he left India? After all, he had readied himself meticulously for the new life. Even for the great, merciless Canadian cold he had heard so much about. How could he have overlooked preparation for the western toilet with its matutinal demands unless fate had conspired? In Bombay, you know that offices of foreign businesses offer both options in their bathrooms. So do all hotels with three stars or more. By practising in familiar surroundings, Sarosh was convinced he could have mastered a seated evacuation before departure.

“But perhaps there was something in what the supervisor said. Sarosh found a telephone number for the Indian Immigrant Aid Society and made an appointment. That afternoon, he met Mrs. Maha-Lepate at the Society’s office.”

Kersi and Viraf looked at each other and smiled. Nariman Uncle had a nerve, there was more lépate in his own stories than anywhere else.

“Mrs. Maha-Lepate was very understanding, and made Sarosh feel at ease despite the very personal nature of his problem. She said, ‘Yes, we get many referrals. There was a man here last month who couldn’t eat Wonder Bread — it made him throw up.’

“By the way, boys, Wonder Bread is a Canadian bread which all happy families eat to be happy in the same way; the unhappy families are unhappy in their own fashion by eating other brands.” Jehangir was the only one who understood, and murmured: “Tolstoy,” at Nariman’s little joke. Nariman noticed it, pleased. He continued.

“Mrs. Maha-Lepate told Sarosh about that case: Our immigrant specialist, Dr. No-Ilaaz, recommended that the patient eat cake instead. He explained that Wonder Bread caused vomiting because the digestive system was used to Indian bread only, made with Indian flour in the village he came from. However, since his system was unfamiliar with cake, Canadian or otherwise, it did not react but was digested as a newfound food. In this way he got used to Canadian flour first in cake form. Just yesterday we received a report from Dr. No-Ilaaz. The patient successfully ate his first slice of whole-wheat Wonder Bread with no ill effects. The ultimate goal is pure white Wonder Bread.’

“Like a polite Parsi boy, Sarosh said, ‘That’s very interesting.’ The garrulous Mrs. Maha-Lepate was about to continue, and he tried to interject: ‘But I —’ but Mrs. Maha-Lepate was too quick for him: Oh, there are so many interesting cases I could tell you about. Like the woman from Sri Lanka — referred to us because they don’t have their own Society — who could not drink the water here. Dr. No-Ilaaz said it was due to the different mineral content. So he started her on Coca-Cola and then began diluting it with water, bit by bit. Six weeks later she took her first sip of unadulterated Canadian water and managed to keep it down.’

“Sarosh could not halt Mrs. Maha-Lepate as she launched from one case history into another: ‘Right now, Dr. No-Ilaaz is working on a very unusual case. Involves a whole Pakistani family. Ever since immigrating to Canada, none of them can swallow. They choke on their own saliva, and have to spit constantly. But we are confident that Dr. No-Ilaaz will find a remedy. He has never been stumped by any immigrant problem. Besides, we have an information network with other third-world Immigrant Aid Societies. We all seem to share a history of similar maladies, and regularly compare notes. Some of us thought these problems were linked to retention of original citizenship. But this was a false lead.’