Rafael Yglesias - Hide Fox, and All After

Raul sighed. “Look. Let me speak. Don’t interrupt. I want to explain.”

“Okay.”

“I was very stoned that night, and all that nonsense Barbara told me about her father moved me. I don’t know if it was pity or compassion — that doesn’t matter, though.” He paused. “And when she complained about her fingers, it just seemed natural, you know…”

Alec hissed in dissatisfaction. Raul looked at him, surprised. “What?”

“I don’t wanna hear that you were stoned. That’s a lousy excuse.”

“What d’ya mean that’s a lousy excuse? Come on, man, weren’t you stoned?”

“I’m not saying you weren’t stoned. I’m saying…Raul, you and I both know that being stoned doesn’t eliminate knowing right from wrong.”

Raul smiled at Alec’s sarcasm. “I can’t plead not guilty because of insanity, is that it?” Raul asked, laughing.

Alec said nothing. His face tightened because of his annoyance at Raul’s laughter.

Raul quieted under Alec’s displeasure. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to laugh.” They walked on. “So what is it you intend to do?” Raul asked finally. “Not see me any more?”

“No, not that,” Alec said softly. “I’ll see you, but it will never be the same. I trusted you. I trusted you more than any other person, and you’ve betrayed me. There’s a wall between us from this, and it will never come down.”

Raul blanched at the clichés but was confused by the sincerity of his tone. Could he be serious with that nonsense? Suddenly Raul became amazingly annoyed; he was surprised at the rush of emotion. Is Alec seriously going to break this relationship with a pack of clichés? If one were to drop all pretense of modesty, this relationship is based on Art and Immortality. And this is what he’s sacrificing it to?

They walked on, Raul thinking. The silence that followed Alec’s speech gave it more weight. The air was heavy, and Raul discovered a mounting anger at the soap- opera tone. Suddenly he turned, facing Alec, and said, “What a bunch of bullshit! That’s real wholesome crap.”

The incongruity struck them both. The scene was hilarious: Alec speaking solemnly, Raul, apparently moved, walks on thinking, turns suddenly and screams it’s bullshit. Viewed peripherally, it was hysterical. And their eyes began to laugh, but Alec’s quickly changed. I will not be seduced, they said.

“Okay,” Alec said quietly. “Fine.”

Raul sighed. “Look, it’s crazy. What the hell are you angry about?”

Alec’s eyes met Raul’s with equanimity. “All right, I’ll tell you,” he said calmly. “I don’t like your using my house, my grass, pretending to be doing it for me, for a seduction.”

“What!” Raul shrieked. “Do you think I intentionally invited her there to seduce her?”

Alec nodded.

“You’re outta your fuckin’ mind, do you know that?” he yelled. “You’re sick!”

“That’s possible.”

“That’s possible,” Raul mimicked. “That’s possible. Your sarcasm’s really cute. I appreciate it.”

“So is yours.”

“Look, Alec, it just happened. Really, it just happened. I don’t care whether or not you believe I was too stoned to know better, but I didn’t, I swear to hell I didn’t, invite her there for me.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“It doesn’t matter whether I do or not, what you did was still wrong.”

Raul sighed again.

“Look,” Alec said, “at least you didn’t have to do it while I was there.”

“Alec, I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“And then did you have to lie like that? I mean, you must have thought I was an idiot. You wanted material for a short story, that’s why you wanted to take her to your house.”

Raul blushed to his soul. “I kinda thought it was.” He laughed. “Believe it or not.”

Alec looked Raul full in the face. “Why did you lie like that?”

Raul looked away from him. “I don’t know why,” he said. “I was embarrassed or something. I don’t know. I was confused. I really didn’t know what I was doing.”

Alec looked away.

Raul strained under the futility of his words. In any argument between two people who are close, an unlikely explanation is enough. One acts as if one is terribly weak, receives a lecture and forgiveness. Somehow he couldn’t do it; he wasn’t organizing his words correctly. How could he? He really had acted unconsciously, and what he had done was not that awful.

“What do you want from me, Alec? I’m sorry, I really am. It happened, what can I say? I’m sorry, but what could I do? And what are you so angry about? I mean, I didn’t plan it. So you can’t be angry about that. Look, I’m sorry, Alec. It was silly of me, but it happened.”

“That’s not enough,” Alec said.

Raul pleaded, yelled, reasoned, with no result. Alec’s opposition was unreasonable; it seemed that he wished the relationship over. Could it have meant so little to him?

Slowly Raul lost his confidence. He was frightened: it would really end. He was running scared now, his hysterical pleading only making Alec more distant. He knew that his haste was working against him. He had to stop and think.

They were both late for their appointments. They began walking back. There’s only one way, Raul thought. Find out his real anger. Only ego commands such outrage, he thought.

It dawned on him.

His confidence returned as it became clear. Why hadn’t he thought of it before? Incredible as it was, Alec didn’t like Raul, that virgin, winning from him, number one seducer, a girl.

Raul could barely contain his laughter. It was all so clear now. He was on top of it. What he had to do was obvious.

“You know,” he said to Alec, “we didn’t go to bed.”

Alec’s head jerked slightly. “You didn’t?”

“No, I’m too much of a clutz.” He laughed. “It’s so funny. Here I am losing you, for what? For what?”

“Exactly the way I feel. Was it worth it, Raul?”

“No.”

They walked on in silence. Then Raul said, “What you’ve been saying to me is that it’s either her or you, right?”

Alec looked at him, surprised. “Well, I can’t see you if you’re seeing her, I…”

“I understand.” Raul felt in control now, knowing what Alec wanted. “Alec or Barbara, Raul has to choose.”

“It’s crazy for you to give her up, Raul. I just can’t keep seeing you…”

“Why is it crazy for me to give her up? What the hell good is she doing me?” Raul roared with laughter. He exulted with victory. His mistake wouldn’t cost him after all.

They stopped by a high wall that looked down into the theater’s courtyard. Alec watched Raul, considering. Both of them were breaking out into smiles. They knew what each was doing, and the consciousness made them play the farce with more glee.

They looked at one another, smiling. They captured themselves with the joy their faces expressed. Barbara, Raul being late, drove by in her car. She stopped a hundred yards away. Raul pointed to her, laughing. Alec turned around, looking at Raul to see what he would do. Raul didn’t move, and Barbara drove away.

Alec looked at him, astonished. The first formers playing below tossed a miniature football over the wall. Raul picked it up, looking at Alec. He laughed and said, “You want a little guilt, Alec? Here, have a little guilt.” He tossed it to him.

Alec swung about, laughing, and said, “Here, have some guilt, Raul.” He tossed it to him.

They threw it back and forth, yelling that it was guilt. They ran up and down the street, joyously bumping into cars and people as they gave guilt to each other. The first formers heckled them for the ball.