Rafael Yglesias - Only Children

PETER LOOKED down at the few uncovered inches of Byron’s body. After Kelso’s examination—“Ten, ten,” the cheerful fellow announced. “He’s passed his first test”—some more disgusting things were done about the umbilical cord, and then they left Byron to lie nude under an intense heating lamp while dawdling over taking his foot-and fingerprints—“He’s already got a record,” a nurse wisecracked — before swaddling him in two cloth blankets, leaving only the barest minimum of his face exposed. By then Byron had cried himself into a state of unconsciousness. A blissful sleep, it seemed to Peter, who had been handed the package of his child while he sat awkwardly on the stool (the lack of armrests made holding Byron wearisome) next to Diane’s head. Her lower half was presumably being replaced and sewn up; Peter certainly wasn’t going to look and verify that. When he occasionally glanced at the floor beneath the operating table, he saw a bucket into which they had dumped the sponges and Lord knows what else. The items inside were soaked red, and Peter was sickened by the notion that Diane had lost a pailful of blood. Rationally, he assumed that wasn’t possible, but the sight argued otherwise.

“He’s beautiful,” Diane kept saying in a hoarse, tired voice. Every few minutes, punctuating her awed stare, she’d repeat, “He’s beautiful”—each time with a tone of discovery.

Peter looked down at the uncovered oval of Byron’s face. To him it seemed nothing more than a mush of uncooked flesh. The only distinguishable things (nose and mouth) were too small to be taken seriously; his closed eyes seemed to blend seamlessly into his forehead. Why, that little stub of a nose looked as though a strong dose of sunlight could melt it. And he was so light — too insubstantial to have caused the enormous fuss around them.

“He’s beautiful,” she said again, amazed. And then: “Isn’t he?”

He’s mush, Peter thought. Unmolded clay. A transparency on which she could project any fantasy.

“Don’t you think he’s beautiful?” Diane asked.

But what is he? Peter wondered. That’s really a human being? From this blob a tall version of himself would grow and one day stand, dressed in a black suit, and mouth Peter’s death? Peter imagined old versions of his friends passing in front of a dark, smooth young man: Byron grown. “Your father was a good man. I’ll miss him.” And what would Byron be feeling? Relief. Now the trust funds would dissolve and the money come directly under his control. Now he would stand at the head of the ship, no longer second-in-command, no longer peering over the old man’s shoulder at the bright blue horizon.

I will become the whimsical god of his life — idol and tormentor— someone to imitate, someone to destroy.

“Yes, he’s beautiful,” he finally answered.

“Hold his head up,” a nurse instructed, lifting the elbow that was cradling Byron’s head. “They have no neck muscles. You have to support his head.”

“That’s not all I have to support,” Peter answered.

The anesthesiologist snorted in agreement.

Peter’s awareness of these attendants had been unspecific up until now — other than Dr. Stein, faceless. To think of them otherwise, for them to be real, to accept the fact that these strangers had been staring into his wife’s body like commuters stuck in a line peering into the Holland Tunnel was untenable. It seemed absurd to have to share this moment, this unique and intimate experience, with a bunch of people to whom he hadn’t even been introduced. He wanted to get out of this sordid tiled place, away from his new burden and back to his comfortable home, to the dignity of seclusion. After all, these next few days, while Diane and Byron were at the hospital, might be his last chance at peace for many a year.

“I’m going to go,” he said.

“What?” Diane said.

“I’ll take the baby.” The nurse who had been hovering over him interrupted. She practically snatched Byron away. Not that Peter resisted.

“I have to tell people,” Peter remonstrated, although Diane hadn’t sounded argumentative. “They’re all waiting.”

“When will I see you?”

“This evening.”

“When are visiting hours?” Peter asked Dr. Stein, glancing in his direction and catching sight of a bloody sponge as it was tossed into the pail.

“Husbands can come anytime,” the nurse answered with a hint of reproach. At what? Peter wondered.

“If the wife wants them,” Stein mumbled.

“I want him,” Diane said.

“All right, I won’t go.” Peter folded his arms and stared ahead. He felt stupid having this personal conversation in front of the hospital people.

“No. Go. You have to call people.”

Peter got up quickly before she could change her mind again, kissing her perfunctorily. “Wait,” she called out, her hand pleading for his return.

Peter bent over again. She urged him down and opened her pale, dry lips. He met them reluctantly. She was lying nude, her lower half not only exposed but still sliced open. This romantic embrace seemed silly under the circumstances.

“I love you,” she said with the happy, spent openness of a satisfied inamorata. It was absurd, as if they had moved their bed to the Forty-second Street IRT station and were doing their lovemaking amidst the stone-faced commuters.

“Me too,” he said quickly. “I’ll call from the hall and come back to visit you in recovery before going home.” Peter began his stride to the enormous swinging stainless-steel doors built wide and high for the gurneys and equipment. Already he felt lighter; the heavy constriction of controlling his behavior in front of those people loosened its grip. “Bye, Byron,” he called to the tiny bundle, and pushed his way out. He walked faster and faster through the hall of birthing rooms, feeling more himself with each step away from them. I’m a father, he thought with growing pride. He was eager to tell everyone the news. He felt more interesting. More real.

My son is born, he thought, studying the faces of waiting fathers, arriving mothers, bored nurses, and abstracted doctors. And Byron will be a better person than every one of these people.

Actually, the whole business had gone quite well, as well as he had hoped. He dared to think, as he dialed his mother’s number on the wall phone in the outer hallway, that now things would go smoothly. And it was sweet to think, no matter how embarrassing the expression of it, that Diane loved him and enjoyed becoming a mother. It would be good for his boy.

“Hello?” his mother’s voice asked.

“Hello, Grandma,” he said to the phone, and got the expected satisfaction of hearing her gasp with awe and pleasure.

ERIC HAD LOST any trace of excitement about having a baby. He had felt some trepidation in the previous few months, but this surpassed his worst fears. With every minute, Nina’s pain seemed to intensify; the prospect of hours more appalled him. Surely, once they got to the hospital and Dr. Ephron examined Nina, she would give her an epidural or a Caesarean or at least some heavy painkillers. Nothing this horrible could be natural.

At last, they had been given permission to go to the hospital. It was now three o’clock in the morning. Nina had been in labor for twelve hours. He felt absolutely spent. But the end was in sight— provided he could find a taxi.

When they got in the elevator, even Nina seemed more relaxed. “You wait in the lobby,” he said. “I’ll go to the avenue for a cab.”

“Don’t leave me with Gomez to have the baby,” she said, referring to their weird night doorman.

“That’s the idea,” he answered as the doors opened to the lobby.

She grabbed his arm. “Please.”