Jon McGregor - Even the Dogs

Is this what all we are seeing now. What Steve sees as he lies on the mattress in his whitewashed room. Ant lying beside him, stiffening and slackening and falling quiet, H waiting for them both to wake, Danny standing in the yard and calling up and throwing stones through the window, that woman Marianne or Marie and the smoke rising from the village and the policeman saying Even the dogs. And the way he fell from the Land Rover while it raced along the track outside Stanley, thinking What kind of war wound is this when the fighting had all been done before he even got off the ship, the fight with Robert and the fights after dark at school and watching the police creep down the hall to where Robert lay and Ant going Look I’ll show you what the fuss is all about. And is this what Ben sees as he crouches behind the bins in the carpark basement, the three days rattling in the cells, the way he’d taken Jamesie down in the day centre and the way Mike had disappeared before the police arrived, and himself white-eyed and blue-lipped going over. And Robert being carried out to the van. And his sister slapping him round the face going What did you ever do, and that bloke who paid to take him home and tried to, all that, and Mike giving him that warning, all that It’s for your own protection la but you’ll need to ease off with that mouth of yours else something might, and what Heather did, so what, and is this what Danny sees, curled up on the phonebox floor, the daylong march around town with no one around and Einstein chasing along at his feet, and slamming the door on Laura’s room, and climbing out of the flat with her, and his brother pushing him back out the door and his brother holding him up one time when he was sick all over his bathroom floor, his brother holding him tight, and Robert on the floor, and Robert in the bodybag, and Robert with his chest cut open on the table, and Laura sitting straight-backed in the court with her hands wedged between her thighs, and is this what Heather sees, kneeling beside her bed with the long white curtains blowing into the room and her heart slowed to a stop and the blood all sinking down towards the floor, Danny buzzing away on the intercom and shouting up at the window, her front door crashing in when they came for her kids, the time up on stage when the band let her play, the crowd, the way the crowd looked at her, Jimmy saying Best not tell anyone I’m stopping here though, the judge saying But while you allow your partner to remain in the house, and all those years on the road, and waking up with that tattoo, and Robert being carried in through the chapel door, and the four of them it took to hold her back against the wall, and everything she did to get rid of that and she still sees it all roaring through her now, and is this what Mike sees, all of this, every last moment, as he strides out into the road with his phone pressed against his ear, going No you listen to me pal you listen to me what have you done, what have you gone and done this time, I’ve been looking everywhere and I can’t find no one now they’ve all gone, what’s happened, what have you gone and done, and what about Laura, what about that girl, what have you done to her now, well youse can all stop talking now I feel much better now thank you now I got a bus to catch. And is all this what he sees as he lies there in the hospital bed. Wires and tubes coming out of his body and his shattered bones twisting back. Like healing. And his eyes closed for weeks and some machine going beep and ping and keeping him comatose so his body can. While these visions go surging through his blood. All this. Is it. Is that what all this.

And the red curtains part and the coffin rolls away. There’s no music. Who would choose the. The vicar closes his book and thanks the men and they stand and walk away. We follow Robert’s coffin. What else can we. On the other side of the curtains. We see two technicians. Opening a heavy steel hatch and rolling the coffin through. Sealing it shut. Turning dials and pressing buttons and standing aside to let us watch through a thick glass panel as the flames begin to rise. Blue and orange jets of fire in long straight rows. Like an oven. Tongues of fire. And the thin wood of the coffin quickly chars and smoulders and crumbles into ash around his body, and his flesh spits and cooks in the roaring furnace heat, melting around his bones which splinter and crack in the blinding firelight. Outside the tall thin chimney. Footsteps and voices and organ music in the chapel as the next group of. Minutes pass. Little more. What’s left of him. The burning. Charred pieces of bone and. The technicians open the door and rake over the embers and fire up the furnace again. The blue flames burn cleanly now. They rake the ashes through a grille and into a steel pan to cool. They set them aside. What’s left of him. And what do we do now.

We sit at the back of the court. And we watch Mike. Struggling to his feet. His crutches crashing against the chairs in front as he hauls himself to his. The court usher saying If you could just. Laura with a hand over. And Mike going I’ve had enough of this pal I’m. I’ll see you around I’ll. Dragging his feet across the. And everyone. And crying out each time his foot. The door closing behind him and the room still ringing with his presence and we watch Laura. The tilt of her head as she watches the coroner gather her. And she realises there are no more. But what about. Everything else she needs to know. Everything else she wants. But she won’t. It’s not. It’s what is it outside the remit of the court. Isn’t it always. Aren’t we always outside the remit. We watch. Pushing her hair back behind her. Rubbing her hands on her. Where will she go now. What will she. Leave town and. Stick to her script and wait for another place in. Will they let her have another. And that keyworker what can he. Will she get up again. What else can she. Will she keep getting up again. And will she wake up in the morning and think about making a cup of tea. Putting on the kettle and waiting for it to boil. Finding a mug and a teabag and. Is there space in her head for. Watching the teabag rise to the surface and turn and fall. Can she give herself the time. Is she halfway there and. Waiting for the tea to brew. Scooping out the bag and dropping it in the bin and stirring in the milk. Can she make plans now. Is there space in her head for. Sitting at the table with the steam rising out of the mug and catching the light and turning in the air.

And Mike still struggling down the street. His two crutches scraping along the ground. And crying out. Huh hah huh. A crowd of pigeons scattering at the sound of his voice and circling overhead. Settling on a rooftop and rising and circling and settling again and Mike going. Huh. Hah. Huh.

The coroner signs something and stamps some documents with an inky thud. And stands up and. Smiles at Laura one more time and glances at the. And the policeman already getting to his feet as she steps down from the bench with the file of papers under her arm and the usher says All rise will the court please.

We rise. What else can we do, we fucking rise.

My thanks to the following for their generous sharing of knowledge and experiences: Dr Nigel Chapman, Rachel Harborne, Dr Kate Jack, David Jones, Kirstie Joynson, Professor James Lowe, Cathy Mason, Ian Nesbitt, Steven Nicholls, Kevin O’Connor, Paylor, Dr Ros Rosser, PC Tim Townsend, Ian Walker, John Wright.

Thanks also to the following, for other things: Mark Day, Kim Langford, Elena Lappin, Lisa Newton. Rosemary Davidson. Everyone at Nottingham Writers’ Studio. Tracy Bohan and all at the Wylie Agency. Helen Garnons-Williams, Erica Jarnes, Alexandra Pringle and all at Bloomsbury. Sarah-Jane Forder. Alice, Eleanor, Lewis.